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Total Bellas Season Five Premiere Recap & Review: Lingerie & Tears

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Finally. The show we have all been waiting for is back! No, I’m not talking about WrestleMania. I’m obviously talking about Total Bellas, the greatest reality show show on TV.

I didn’t watch Total Divas last season due to Ronda Rousey and her chickens, so to say that I was excited about the return of TB is an understatement. New relationships, new careers, and new babies! That’s like the reality TV triumvirate!

The episode opens with a “teaser” for the upcoming season that gives away literally every interesting thing about the season. Like, if I were going to make a super-cut of all the big scenes for the entire season so that viewers didn’t actually have to watch, that would be it. Did it make me want to stop watching? LOLOLOL are you kidding? It made me want to watch even more.

The first thing we see after a brand new, very sleek opening credits sequence is Brie Bella peeing on a pregnancy test. And when I say peeing on a pregnancy test, I do mean sitting on the toilet hand under her dress peeing on a stick.

On tv.

Incredible.

Birdie also thinks it’s incredible, but mostly because she is proud of her mom for making a “poo-poo” on the toilet.

Brie Mode?

Now that Birdie is bigger, she has more of a substantial part in the show, and boy is she adorable! I’m always conflicted when celebrities make Instagram accounts for their children and monetize their babies, but she’s cute enough to make me stop thinking critically through my heart eyes. Well played Bellas.

And just we we’ve had enough literal toilet talk we head over to Artem’s house were Nikki is trying to distract him from making “yummy” Russian food with kisses. It’s very sweet, even if Russian food is gross. Nikki is smitten.

There is one moment when Nikki gets some make-up on his shirt and apologizes, and I couldn’t help imagining control freak John Cena sighing and lecturing Nicole about his rigid dry cleaning schedule. Artem doesn’t seem to mind. He’s nice.

Artem is Nikki’s actual boyfriend now, so he gets confessional scenes which means it’s the most he’s ever talked on the show. He’s shy and it shows, but his face lights up when he starts talking about his Dancing with the Stars job.

Smash cut: Artem gets fired from DWTS. Oh well, you got yourself a Sugar Bella. A Sugar Bella that will invite you to live in her new house without thinking about when you’re a guest on her podcast in front of her clearly disapproving sister. Messy!

I loved that scene for two reasons. One, I still think it’s hilarious that the Bella’s have a podcast - as my husband puts it, “Podcasting plays to none of their strengths.” - and two, disapproving Brie is my favorite Brie. Nikki leads 100% with her heart, but Brie is all brains (well, you know as much as a Bella is a brain). Brie knows her sister better than Nikki knows herself sometimes, and in these moments, it’s when the real twin magic happens. It’s sweet, really. Also, Brie is almost always right. I know whenever I am making a decision, I ask myself WWBBD?

Artem may have lost his job, but Nikki & Brie are career women, and they are headed to NYC for the launch of their beauty line. (No, I haven’t tried it yet. I’m still scarred from the wine.) Before their launch party, Nikki and Brie decide to bike ride through the park for a picnic, and once again, Nikki has chosen to ignore Brie’s sage advice deciding to wear wedge sandals and flowy pants to ride a bike. She’s an Idiot Icon, and I love her.

During their picnic, they discuss Brie and Bryan’s baby drama, or rather no baby drama. You see, Bryan wants a baby boy so badly that they are trying for one. That face you are making is the correct one. You and the medical doctor Brie sees later in the show know that that’s not how babies work. Somethings you just have to let the Bellas learn on their own...

Anyways, Brie realizes that with all the things that come along with being a Bella plus Bryan’s return to the ring, she doesn’t want a second baby. They are too busy, and she doesn’t want to decide between being a good mother or having a successful career. Which is COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE AND A NORMAL THING TO THINK.

Evergreen sidebar when it comes to Total Divas and Total Bellas: do not watch this show if you want to like Daniel Bryan.

After their picnic, they head to their launch party casually having a conversation about farting in front of their partners. Unsurprisingly, Nikki doesn’t fart in front of Artem, and Brie rips them in front of Bryan.

The launch party is pretty and full of awkward girl power moments, but the Bellas look gorgeous, and everyone is having a good time.

To continue the celebration of their beauty launch, Brie and Nikki have fancy drinks with the girls. Nikki learns how to say b*tch and penis in Russian, so she’s basically set when she meets Artem’s mom. Brie outs Nikki, by telling the girls that Nikki invited Artem to live with her in Pheonix and they all object. You can almost hear Momma Bella’s disapproval in the background yelling NICOLE! It takes some cajoling, but eventually, Nicole agrees. Her friends have clearly been down the “Nicole makes an irrational, impulsive decision, and we have to hear about it for months afterward” road before.

You know what’s a super appropriate place to have a serious conversation about the future of your relationship is? A bougie lingerie store! In between modeling strappy bits of lace, Nikki decides to tell Artem that she isn’t sure that moving in is the right step.

In my favorite moment of the entire episode, Artem incredulously asks in his heavy Russian accent, “Did you bring me to a lingerie store to ask if we are moving to fast?”

Total Bellas is ART.

Nikki has enough sense to be a little embarrassed by her choice of venue, and while it is super awkward, they both agree (aka Artem gives in) that moving in is perhaps too fast.

Hold on to your hearts because we are not done yet! Not only does Brie decide that she doesn’t want a second child, but she decides to bring it up while Bryan is crying over the death of their sweet dog Josie right before he leaves for a WWE taping.

Now, Bryan isn’t my favorite TB character. He’s weirdly controlling and a little too traditional for my tastes, but DAMN Brie. At least take him to a lingerie shop to have this heavy conversation!

Ultimately Brie and Daniel agree that considering their lifestyles that a second baby isn’t a great idea. They are both a little melancholy about it, but to quote Daniel, “the life plans change.”

Brie is relieved and finds new hope in her marriage going forward. “I feel more free. We’re going to be stronger.”

Except for PLOT TWIST. Bryan lied and is not only NOT okay with not having a second child, but feels more estranged from his wife than ever.

What’s that they say about communication in relationships? Lie about your real feelings, and everything will be fine? Yeah, that sounds right.

And that’s were the episode ends. Nikki has new lingerie and a new sugar baby. Brie and Bryan are so totally not on the same page. Birdie is cute as hell and I’m still trying to convince myself not to buy Bella branded shampoo.

I give this season premiere an astounding A+, and I can’t wait for the rest of the season.

Spoiler Alert: thar be babies there!