Monday Night Raw is a generally bad television show, and this week’s episode was a great example of exactly why that is. The characters simply aren’t connecting in any meaningful way and while there are many reasons for that, the outlandishly bad dialogue stood out as particularly offensive on this show, at least for me.
There were two segments that saw a group of wrestlers talking and that talking leading to a match. For the sake of this exercise, I simply transcribed what was said so I could read it to see if it reads as bad as the performers made it sound.
First, the women’s tag team division shaping up:
Charlotte Flair: “Well, well would you look at this. I am in the ThunderDome. And what would the ThunderDome be without The Queen? My first night in the ThunderDome I walked in as the champion because we all know that’s who I am at my core, and trust me nothing has changed these last six months. But when a friend asks for help, and there’s something in it for me, all they have to do is ask. And that friend happens to be my co tag team partner, who some people say is the heartbeat of this division, my friend, my partner, The Empress of Tomorrow, Asuka!”
Asuka: “The Empress of Tomorrow is the double champion of today — Raw women’s champion and women’s tag team champion. Nia and Shayna were not ready for Asuka and they were definitely not ready for my partner, The Queen Charlotte Flair.”
Charlotte: “So, wait, hold on a second. What about that Raw women’s championship. So, friend to friend…”
Nia Jax: “Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte, it’s so good to see you. I see six months, all the six months took to heal up that broken arm. But it hasn’t seemed to cure that robotic voice of yours.”
Charlotte: “So, like, that robotic voice, does this work for you: I kicked your ass last night.”
Nia: “Robotic. Um, okay, so before you guys get too comfortable with those titles, let me tell you a little holiday story. Santa Claus isn’t the only one with a ‘naughty or nice’ list. We got a list of our own too. The only thing is we don’t hand out coal to the people who are naughty.”
Shayna Baszler: “No, we hand out beatings. Oh, oh, season’s beatings.”
Nia: “Season’s beatings.”
Shayna: “Yeah. Just ask Asuka’s last partner, Lana.”
Nia: “Or Kairi.”
Mandy Rose: “Hold up, stop the music. Dana, something looks different about you, what is it?”
Dana Brooke: “Nothing. Something wrong with you, Mandy?”
Mandy: “No. I mean, we look the same as we did last week but those two look a little different, Nia and Shayna.”
Dana: “Yeah, you’re right. Shayna looks like Rudolph with a nose job.”
Mandy: “Speaking of reindeers, the only thing Nia lacks is a set of antlers.”
Dana: “Wait, I know what’s different!”
Dana: “They’re not the tag team champions anymore! Which means move over, ladies.”
Charlotte: “Oh wait, wait, wait, oh. Mandy Rose, Dana Brooke, Shayna Baszler, Nia Jax, wait, wait, wait. How about we get a ref? You want to stay and watch this, because I want to watch this?”
Asuka: “Let me see… yes!”
Then, The Hurt Business getting into it with an apparently newly formed tag team, The Hardy Bros:
Matt Riddle: “Hey bros, congratulations on the big win last night. And I’m really digging the celebration. But I feel like you’re doing a couple things wrong, you know? Like why are you spending so much money at the club? You don’t need to be buying fancy bottles of champagne. What you need to be doing is just chilling out and relaxing with the homies. Maybe huck the disc in the back yard. Maybe grill up some tasty treats. Get a little toasted. And then maybe listen to the Joe Rogan podcast, or maybe watch a Dave Chappelle comedy special and escape the day-to-day existential grind that life is, you know what I’m saying? No, hey, I’m not done yet. And there’s no reason to spread negativity and being bullies because at the end of the day we’re all the same. We’re all self aware carbon matter that’s on a rock hurling through the void of space. So why don’t y’all just chill out.”
MVP: “No, no, we’re not the same. We’re not the same at all. You don’t know what you’re talking about so obviously we don’t know what you’re talking about. Nobody cares about your totally harebrained concepts. Why are you here, man?”
Jeff Hardy: “What he’s trying to say is there are more important things in life than status and money. A man’s character is the only criterion of wealth, you know? So we’d rather die full of our pride rather than live a life of greed. But look, man, if we’re gonna beat Bobby and MVP tonight we’ve gotta fight with the one thing that’s worth a lot more than anything they could ever buy — our faith, bro.”
That is atrociously bad.
I sure do miss the days of one guy saying he was going to stomp a mudhole in someone’s ass and walk it dry while the other guy tells him to know his role and shut his mouth.