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WWE Raw results, recap, reactions (Aug. 5, 2019): Goldberg returns

In reality, Dolph Ziggler did what he’s always done. He talked a quantity of trash that his ass simply could not handle.

Enter Goldberg. “Guess what, son? You’re next.”

It’s perfect, honestly. The SummerSlam card is 26 matches long, so we probably know how this one’s going to go. Goldberg walked down to the ring, signed a contract, and was sweating slightly from the ordeal; I’m not exactly expecting a 10-minute match here.

But no one really wants that from Goldberg, anyway; just go be the delightfully destructive bull in a china shop that you are, and it’ll be perfect.

I liked the misdirection in this closing segment. Miz’s “I’m looking forward to kicking your ass on Monday night” line was great, as was Shawn Michaels’ “d’oh!” face when Ziggler started mean-mugging him.

Man, I can’t wait for Goldberg to Jackhammer Ziggler out of his boots.

Some Architect

Seth is stupid. Absurdly stupid. The stupidest, you might say, which is concerning considering he was supposed to be the smart guy in the Shield.

You see, after getting obliterated by Brock Lesnar last week, he showed up with a comically exaggerated limp and a steel chair in hand, trying to fight Lesnar.

Dude. What are you doing?

It’s so frustrating, considering last week’s events. Lesnar had snapped last week, showing he’s a murderous force of nature...only to snap right back into place, bouncing alongside Paul Heyman. Meanwhile Seth did a dumb thing and then had a sad little promo afterwards that makes me feel nothing but annoyance with him.

“Have you ever loved something so much -”

No, Seth. And if I had, I would have had a better plan than running straight into an F5 tornado.

He deserves to lose at SummerSlam. I’ll actually enjoy watching him suffer.

Andrade’s Ready

Can we put a damn title on Andrade already? I know they’ll ruin it eventually by stamping a catchphrase and nickname onto his forehead, but like...he’s ready. He’s one of WWE’s best heels and actually gets a reaction.

So can we just go all in on the dude and watch him be awesome?

Rey Mysterio was given a match against Andrade to try to deliver some justice for Andrade’s heinous mask-ripping from last week. And what we got was exactly what you’d expect from these two: a stupidly fun match that has them hitting moves no one tries to hit.

It felt like their SmackDown feud from before WrestleMania, only with a bit more reason to fight other than “gee these guys are good.” And that’s honestly annoying. Andrade’s had stellar matches all along the low-to-mid card. He had a brief feud with Finn Balor where he ended up losing. Fine.

What’s the plan moving forward? Because this minor feud stuff isn’t good enough.

Anyway, he beat Mysterio with the help of Zelina Vega at ringside. Like I said, he actually got a reaction on a night where most reactions were tepid. Can we start grooming him up to be a major title contender? A feud with Randy Orton to see who can out-mean the other after SummerSlam, perhaps?

The Rest

Told you it wasn’t Samoa Joe – Did I not tell you all it wasn’t Joe last week?

Samoa Joe threatened to shut down the show in order to clear his name, but never really followed through with it. Instead, he went to the parking lot just in time to see Roman Reigns dive back into his SUV to avoid getting hit by a car.

It’s Daniel Bryan, y’all. I told you last week. And save your “but he wasn’t driving a Prius!” jokes. Why would he smash a perfectly fine green vehicle? Go wreck one of the gas guzzlers instead.

Nikki Cross and Alexa Bliss def. The IIconics, Kabuki Warriors, and Fire and Desire to win the Womens Tag Team Championships – At long last, perhaps we can do something fun with the Womens Tag Team Championships.

It sucks that the IIconics never did anything meaningful. WWE did well to eliminate them first in order to wake up the crowd. I really liked the Kabuki Warriors taking it to Bliss and Cross; I hope to see more of that feud moving forward. Paige vs. Alexa on the microphone could be fun.

The OC def. Rico-Day – Without Kofi Kingston around, the OC assaulted Big E and Xavier Woods. Ricochet came out to help because he’s a good dude, but it didn’t do much to help.

Luke Gallows is wearing paint again. Neat!

Becky Lynch and Charlotte def. Natalya and Trish Stratus - Several notable things about this one. Trish never got in the match. Boo. Nattie showed a huge mean streak, getting DQ’ed by putting the Sharpshooter on Lynch. Yay!

Charlotte was her usual, prickly self as well. She taunted Trish all throughout her portion of the match, but attacked lynch and left when Lynch tagged herself in. Beyond that, Nattie’s out here talkin’ about ending careers. These are two of the matches I’m most looking forward to at SummerSlam.

24/7 Championship Highlights – If you wondered how they’d get the title off Maria, it was via a hug from her useless husband Mike Kanellis, who promptly lost the title via the ol’ water-broke-here-comes-the-baby trick from R-Truth of all people.

The Viking Raiders def. Reggie Watts and Local Talent – Absolute silence. Yikes.

Drew McIntyre vs. Cedric Alexander a no contest when the Fiend attacks Kurt Angle – Where you at with the save, Finn?

Despite Goldberg showing and a title change, this felt like a really skippable episode of Raw. The only thing that was actively awful was the Seth Rollins stuff, but I wanted more from a go-home show than this.

Grade: C

Luckily, it seems like they’ve saved some moments for SmackDown. Hopefully, those will amount to a better show.

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