Raw Reunion wishlist: Let’s see if WWE can do better

After a week dreading the idea of a retro Superstar-filled Raw Reunion - or at least the idea that Hulk Hogan was returning to television - I realized there were great possibilities for the show. Chances exist to push the existing storylines further while also providing tons of fan service.

That caused me to do the dorkiest thing ever: fantasy-book the entire episode using the announced list of guests, plus a few extra folks I really want to see on the show.

Oh, and you’ll notice I didn’t know what to do with Booker T. I still don’t.

REUNION RAW

Backstage, we see a cold-open shot of Santino Marella’s snake arm, which darts left, darts right and then pins R-Truth for the 24-7 Championship. Truth spends the entire night chasing Santino — who is being controlled by his arm, Idle Hands-style to get it back.

On a very special “A Moment of Bliss”, Alexa asks Lacey Evans where it all went wrong. Lacey says who cares about yesterday’s news, she wants to talk to the classiest women in WWE history, “The Divas!” Out come Kaitlyn, Kelly Kelly and Lilian Garcia ... who quickly reject the compliment, saying they’ve seen a lot of trashy women wrestling, but they never put the name of their opponent’s boyfriend on their gear. Out come Eve Torres, Melina and Jillian Hall, who take Lacey’s side. Eventually, Eve turns on Lacey for acting better than everyone, and puts Evans in one of her Gracie gym-learned submission holds.

Kurt Angle and Jason Jordan are hanging out in the back with Christian, and it’s very much the Cowboy Hat and Signs routine, just without Edge. Ric and Charlotte Flair walk in, both in full robe. The Flairs assess the situation, Ric shakes his head and Charlotte says “I am so glad we’re normal.”

Baron Corbin calls Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco out to the ring and offers them the prestigious work of shadowing him for the evening, and they laugh him off and walk away. Razor Ramon and Kevin Nash hit the ring, say “it’s a shame what’s become of big boys these days.” Before Corbin can fight them, Trips runs out to shush him. X-Pac then enters, tells Corbin “it’s time to go home.”

Backstage, Big E and Kaitlyn are seen canoodling, and before they can kiss, AJ Lee interrupts. It’s the first big shock of the night.

On his way out of the arena, Corbin bumps into Alicia Fox, who says “oh, you think you can beat up women, huh?” super-kicks Corbin, hits her northern lights suplex, and puts on her best hat.

Seth Rollins has been pacing back and forth for most of the show, trying to figure out how to stop Brock Lesnar. He bumps into The Street Profits who say they think they know a guy who can help Seth out. After the commercial break, Seth is introduced to Matt Riddle, who whispers some stuff in Seth’s ears. Seth says, “what are you smo—” but before he can finish, Riddle says “but don’t take my word, take his...” and Road Dogg walks in, wearing an NXT jacket, and says “wait, how did they convince me to come back here?” Ted DiBiase appears to say “Everybody’s got a price!” Seth walks away, frustrated, without even noticing The Boogeyman in the hallway. Braun Strowman walks up, picks off one of the worms, eats it, smiles.

Becky Lynch and Natalya square off in the ring to sign their contract for SummerSlam, but Alundra Blayze interrupts, and tells The Man that while she respects her, and while Becky 2 Belts was a cute name, she’d rather throw a title away than lose it to a Flair (referring to the MITB 2019 match). Blayze is announced as special enforcer for the Raw Women’s title match at SummerSlam.

Remember Santino the 24-7 champ? Hulk Hogan pins him for the title, and celebrates gratuitously before Truth pins the Hulkster to regain, with Sgt. Slaughter ripping off his jacket to reveal a ref uniform before counting the 1-2-3. Ron Simmons says “DAMN!”

That is all we see of Mr. Bollea for the rest of time, as Mick Foley, the man who gave us the belt yells “HAVE A NICE DAY!” at the now-former-champ.

The Right To Censor’s The Goodfather is walking around backstage, but runs afoul of Matt Hardy, who screams at him “STAY OFF MY PROPERTY!” Brother D-Von enters, talking about testifying, The Hurricane tries to talk sense into the Dudley before Matt breaks out a giant super-soaker labelled “LAKE WATER” and chases them away. We see 3-Count era Shane Helms and D-Von Dudley later, playing poker with JBL.

AJ Styles and The Club come out to brag about how nobody can stop them and how AJ’s got the best hair in wrestling. Out comes HBK who isn’t bald anymore (I can dream) to say that while he rocked with Diesel, he ran this place because his matches had zero interference so, “what are you, AJ, scared?” Out comes Ricochet, and HBK shakes his hand before saying “I like you kids, but I bet you two couldn’t have a better ladder match than Razor and I did.” Match booked for SummerSlam.

In the ring, Shane McMahon demands Lilian Garcia do a proper job announcing him as THE BEST IN THE WORLD until GLASS BREAKS and out comes Steve Austin. Shane tries to compliment him off with kudos for his new USA show. Kevin Owens sneaks in, stunner to Shane. KO tries to share a beer with Austin, gets stunner’d for his own good.

Tag division time! The Revival have found themselves some top guy friends in Jimmy Hart and Jerry Lawler who are doing all the talking during a match where Dawson and Wilder face The Usos, who are accompanied (of course) by big ‘Kish himself, Rikishi. You know how this ends, Lawler and Hart try and cheat, but in the end, both Scott and Dash get a big face-full of the Samoan hind quarters.

”I’M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!” Yep, it’s Eric Bischoff, who enters the ring with his muscle, Sid, only to have the lights fade, music crackle and The Fiend Bray Wyatt take them both out. Camera cut to backstage where Paul Heyman’s smirking.

The New Daniel Bryan tries to make his big announcement, but he’s cut off by Mark Henry, Salmon Jacket Edition. Mizzark stares down Rowan before saying “he knows all about big announcements,” but Bryan counters, saying “this has nothing to do with giants. I’m going to rule the world of the cruiserweights. I’m joining 205 Live.”

Seth Rollins is in the ring, begins ranting about how he’s gonna beat Brock, but before he can get far BRRRAPADOOHHHHHH and John Cena is here on Raw. Cena tries to talk his trials and tribulations with Brock, but IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALAA and The Rock is here and playfully rips on Cena for becoming the part-timer that he accused Rocky of being. Heyman walks out and says as nice as this is, he’s got an obligation to have big stars out here, and he’s got a guy with a bone to pick with Cena. Out comes Elias, who says he could beat Lesnar easily, which causes Heyman to laugh and walk away as Elias takes all the finishers and we go home happy.

Can you do better? More importantly, can WWE do better? Answer the first question below, and we’ll find out about the second one together on Monday night.