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WWE Raw (June 17, 2019) – Abridged

In which BRAY’s a flat earther.

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

ladies and gentlemen, ELIAS

ELIAS: LA sucks in general, Baron said imma ref for him at Stompyground

suddenly SETH

SETH: have chairthumps


SETH: no one refs at Stompyground or imma chairthump em


ELIAS: um hi

MIZ: skull crushing finale

ELIAS: aww

suddenly BOB


BOB: spear

ELIAS: why

suddenly CESARO

ELIAS: wait

CESARO: swing

ELIAS: stop

suddenly RICOCHET

ELIAS: oh no

RICOCHET: double knees

ELIAS: sigh


ELIAS: welp

BRAUN: runnin powerslam

ELIAS: am I done now

MIZ/BOB/CESARO/RICOCHET/BRAUN fight to fight JOE at Stompyground

BRAUN: errybody gets hands

CESARO: uppercuts, slam

BRAUN: pin


CESARO’s out

RICOCHET: imma zoom

BRAUN: beef beats zoom

BOB: welp I got that

BRAUN: pin

BOB: k

BOB’s out, BRAUN kills MIZ and RICOCHET til

BOB: spear cause no DQ

BRAUN: but

CESARO: gotch neutralizer cause no DQ

BRAUN: wait

RICOCHET: jumpypin

BRAUN: nah

CESARO, BOB: can’t nah

BRAUN: fiiiiiiiiiiine k


BRAUN: now errybody dies

they in fact do

RICOCHET: zoomytime

MIZ: ddt pin


MIZ: yep that never works

RICOCHET: knee’s hurt tho

MIZ: cool then figure four

RICOCHET: ow, imma roll

MIZ: imma roll back

RICOCHET: ooh a rope

MIZ: then imma jump off those

RICOCHET: knee to face, 630 pin

MIZ: k

JOE: Ricochet gets beatemups then

RICOCHET: zooms tho

JOE: ow

here’s THE MAN

THE MAN: come out Lacey, imma punch ya

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: ya don’t get me

THE MAN: ya talk slow

LACEY: real tough tho, was a Marine

THE MAN: so why heel

LACEY: wanna, plus ya suck, imma beat ya at Stompyg-

THE MAN: bexploder, got your hat

meanwhile backstage

CHARLY: hey Baron, Seth chairthumped Elias so who’s ref, how bout that

BARON: woulda been Elias, imma tell ya who later

SETH: hi have a chairthump


here’s PLANETCHAMPS cause wild card

BRYAN: LA sucks cause smog and sucky folks, imma beat Seth tonite

suddenly VIKES, they kill JOBBERS

TRUTH: in the crowd, no one sees me

LOCKER ROOM: we see ya

TRUTH: gettin under the ring then

TITUS: dang it now I gotta move


TRUTH: run awayyy

meanwhile in SHANE’s backstage villain lair

HEATH: got kids, wanna raise

SHANE: nah, leave

DREW: have some money tho

HEATH: really

DREW: pshh nah, have beatemups

well it’s KO/SAMI’s show

KO: bad graphics, Bob sucks

BOB: what

KO: different Bob

BOB: ah

KO: here’s Baron

here he in fact is

SAMI: WWE’s unsafe



PUNK: hahahahahahahaha

SAMI: not gonna ref at Stompyground

KO: me neither

BARON: cool it’s EC3

here’s EC3, suddenly SETH

SETH: hi have chairthumps

BARON: welp

it’s a new day, yes it is

SAMI: y’all ain’t wild cards

KOFI: see but I’m champ so

KO: losin your belt soon tho

KOFI: nah

BARON: fight us then

XAVIER: cool this ref’ll sanction it

EC3: what day is it

XAVIER: says yep

meanwhile backstage

AJ: am I good doc

CLUB: weeeeeell

AJ: yall got gloves so nah, Usos are great, yall kinda suck now

CLUB: gonna beat Usos tonite then

BARAMIKO fights NEW DAY, standard six man tag match ensues til

KO: superkick to Baron

BARON: what

KOFI: trouble in paradise pin


BEAR: did KO just turn face or

meanwhile backstage

BLISS: hey Nikki, got ya a present

NIKKI: ooh what is it

BLISS: we’re taggin against IIconics for their belts

NIKKI: yay

BLISS: also Bayley sucks

NIKKI: true

here’s BORK’s walrus

PAUL: not gonna ref at Stompyground, Lakers suck, so does Seth, maybe Bork’s here, maybe not

COLE: pathetic

BEAR: you said it

meanwhile backstage

BARON: hey Eric maybe you should ref at Stompyground

ERIC: maybe

SETH: hi have chairthumps

USOS fight CLUB, standard tag match ensues til

USO: pin


here’s a large dog

ROMAN: ShowDown wasn’t great, imma beat up Shane tonite

SHANE: nah, on the tron, say the thing Rome


DREW: imma beat ya at Stompyground so bad your kids won’t recognize ya

ROMAN: welp imma go overcome things backstage

ROMAN overcomes things backstage

SHANE: run awayyy

ROMAN: cool imma still overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

meanwhile backstage

CHARLY: hey Bayley, accusin’s happenin, how bout that

BAYLEY: sounds like Bliss, imma go see her


PEYTON: we’re in LA, Blikki’s fightin us

BILLIE: Lakers suck tho

here’s BLIKKI, suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: imma just watch nbd

BLISS: cool offense time

PEYTON: tag, iiconic tho

BLISS: rollypin


NIKKI: tag, wackyzooms

BILLIE: tag, face in peril now

NIKKI: Bliss’s a heel tho

IICONICS: you’re a face tho

NIKKI: point taken

NIKKI face in perils til

BAYLEY: o hai Bliss

BLISS: have a push

NIKKI: I am very distracted




meanwhile backstage

NIKKI: so yeah Bayley sucks

BLISS: tolja

here’s BRAY’s creepy kid show

BRAY: waterin flowers, worms are bad, earth’s flat, dinos still walk around

PUPPETS: join us

BRAY: fear’s power, lemme in

unabridgable screen spazzybuzzes ensue

FIEND: follow the leader

CHARLY: hey Bryan, you’re fightin Seth, how bout that

BRYAN: someone should prolly take his chair, Seth’s never beat me

SETH’s fightin BRYAN, also ROWAN’s here

SETH: imma grap with ya

BRYAN: can do

SETH: then imma zoom

ROWAN: haveth thou slams aplenty foul fiend

suddenly NEW DAY and KO and SAMI and REVIVAL and USOS, unabridgeable chaos ensues til

ROME: match restarts, errybody leave


BRYAN: yay now we can zoom a bunch

SETH: yep, also facepunches, slingblade pin

BRYAN: nah, rollypin

SETH: nah, rollypin

BRYAN: nah, rollypin

SETH: nah, can we do somethin else now

BRYAN: how’s an ankle lock suplex

SETH: very ow

BRYAN: also runnin knee, imma top rope jump

SETH: nah imma top rope suplex ya

BRYAN: labell lock

SETH: ooh a rope

BRYAN: fine, facekick

SETH: fine, buckle bomb facekick pin

BRYAN: nah

SETH: frog splash then

BRYAN: knees up

SETH: facekick stomp pin


SETH: yay imma leave

BARON: hi have chairthumps, end of days

SETH: my petard, been hoisted by it

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