WWE Raw (May 6, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

NO CHANCE, THAT’S WHAT YA GOT

VINCE: well it’s Raw, ain’t I great

suddenly a big dog

VINCE: oh no, please don’t punch me, go back to SDL

ROMAN: still might punch ya, came to Raw cause McMahons are Authoritizing again so imma overcome things

suddenly BRYAN

VINCE: heavens forbid, most unorthodox

BRYAN: lost at Mania, left and meditated for a month, imma talk with ya

suddenly KOFI

VINCE: why it’s pure anarchy, please stop raising my ratings

KOFI: won at Mania, I’m champ

BRYAN: you still suck tho

KOFI: still champ tho

VINCE: so imma let 3 SDL folks come to Raw and vice versa from now on, callin it wild card, ain’t I great

KOFI: see but I’m just havin fun

BRYAN: THERE WILL BE NO FUN

suddenly DREW

DREW: y’all suck but specially Roman, let’s fight

VINCE: so Roman fights Drew and Bryan fights Kofi for the belt later, ain’t I great

suddenly a dude with farmer strength

AJ: whatcha doin Vince, Roman’s takin my show

VINCE: wild card

AJ: then imma go back to SDL

VINCE: but I gotta invite ya

suddenly SETH

BEAR: how many of you are there

SETH: AJ sneakypunched me, SDL’s better since he left, Raw’s my show

AJ: you been kinda mean too tho, imma take your belt at MITB

VINCE: y’all should team up

SETH: very nah

VINCE: ain’t I great

they’re fightin BOB and BARON

BARON: imma handigrip Seth

AJ: tag

BOB: also tag

AJ: jumpybounces

BOB: also jumpybounces

SETH: tag, have a floor

BARON: why you little

AJ: also have the floor

SETH: imma jump on Bob

AJ: then imma jump on Baron

BOB: then Seth gets a corner

SETH face in perils til

AJ: tag, Bob gets all the offense

BARON: hey maybe don’t

AJ: hip bump

BOB: spear to the floor tho, pin

AJ: nah, imma rally

BARON: tag tho

BOB: and Seth gets a wall

AJ: I see where this is goin

AJ face in perils til

SETH: tag, imma zoom, have the floor and wall and jumpypin

BOB: nah

AJ: have a floor

BARON: rollypin

SETH: nah, facekick

AJ: phenomenal forearm

SETH: very ow

AJ: bye

BARON: end of days pin

SETH: k

BEAR: that took longer than Endgame

meanwhile backstage

MIZ: imma wait for Shane

here’s a silly hipster who hates everyone

SAMI: Raw’s pretty great, y’all like it, y’all still hate yourselves tho

RENEE: wow he sucks

BEAR: shut up, wanna hear Sami insult me

suddenly BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SAMI: k let’s fight

BRAUN: really

SAMI: psh nah, run awayyyy

BRAUN: I can run too tho

SAMI: run awayyyy moooooooore

meanwhile backstage

SAMI: still runnin

BRAUN: hi

SAMI: welp

BRAUN: get in the trash

suddenly a TRUCK

TRUCK: imma pick up trash at 9pm

BEAR: seems legit

insert standard tag match here, LUCHAS beat JOBBERS, meanwhile backstage

NATTIE: so Lacey gave us fancy invites to ringside

NAOMI, DANA: us too, must be bout MITB

MIZ: still waitin for Shane

RICOCHET’s fightin ROBERT for his MITB match spot

ROBERT: have cornerstomps

RICOCHET: imma zoom tho

ROBERT: have a floor

RICOCHET face in perils til

RICOCHET: flippyropeybouncytime

ROBERT: huh

RICOCHET: basically zooms

ROBERT: beef beats zooms tho

RICOCHET: nah, 630 pin

ROBERT: k

meanwhile backstage

REY: hey kid, beat Joe, how bout that

REY’S KID: yep, imma walk away now

JOE: imma very obviously follow

REY’S KID: um hi

JOE: hey kid, Rey beat me last week so imma yell atcha

REY’S KID: neat

JOE: imma beat Rey at MITB

here’s LACEY and NAOMI and DANA and NATTIE and oh hi BLISS

LACEY: hold on imma kill a jobber

she in fact does

LACEY: so when I get The Man’s belt imma beat whoever wins MITB

suddenly THE MAN

THE MAN: let’s fight

LACEY: pshh nah, run awayyyyy

meanwhile backstage

BRYAN: Kofi’s a shill, imma be planetchamp again

here’s VIKES fightin HAWKRYDER

HAWKINS: imma zoom

RYDER: me too

VIKES: but we are very big

VIKES beefykill HAWKRYDER

here’s BRAY’s creepy show

BRAY: hey Mercy whatcha doin

MERCY: eatin Rabbit

BRAY: good for you, eatin folks is cool, Universe forgives ya, let’s picnic

KIDS: just gonna sit here

BRAY: lemme in, bye

meanwhile backstage

SETH: didn’t like AJ hittin me again, imma murderdeathkill him at MITB

ROMAN’s fightin DREW

ROMAN: have offense

DREW: you should face in peril tho

ROMAN: fine but then imma overcome things

ROMAN face in perils til

ROMAN: time to overcome things

SHANE: oh no ya don’t

ELIAS: likewise

SHANE and ELIAS beat up ROMAN, suddenly AWWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: got a chair

SHANE: run awayyyyyy

DREW, ELIAS: gonna punch Roman more

ROMAN does not overcome things

meanwhile backstage

SHANE: imma hide

CHARLY: hey Shane, Miz is fightin ya at MITB, how bout that

SHANE: can’t talk runnin awayyyyy

MIZ: well hi, have all the chairshots

SHANE: grapefruit punch

MIZ: very ow

SHANE: drive awayyyyyy

here’s REVIVAL fightin CLUB but first

USO: hey Revival uce

USO: put stuff in your trunks uce

USO: here have water uce

USO: makes it worse uce

BEAR: this is terrible uce

KOFI: folks thought I wouldn’t beat Bryan at Mania, did, imma beat him again

here’s JOSE and congafolks, suddenly LARS

BEAR: sure just bring the whole SDL roster here why doncha

LARS: everyone dies

they in fact do, meanwhile backstage

VINCE: ain’t I great, so’s my wild card rule, if more’n three cross over imma fire folks

suddenly LARS

LARS: sup

VINCE: meant four

LARS: thought so

BRYAN’s fightin KOFI for the WWE belt

BRYAN: kickyoffense for days

KOFI: have a floor, imma jump on ya, ropeybounce pin

BRYAN: nah

KOFI: how bout corner chops

BRYAN: have a floor and wall

KOFI: very ow

BRYAN: and two posts, further beatemups, armbar

KOFI: eh not quite, facekick

BRYAN: have a floor again

KOFI: k but imma jump on ya

BRYAN: how

KOFI: kinda my deal, pin

BRYAN: nah, labell lock

KOFI: footrope

BRYAN: aww, kicks instead

KOFI: don’t care, imma rally

BRYAN: suplex bridge pin

KOFI: nah

BRYAN: plz just lose

KOFI: also nah, trouble in paradise pin

COLE: WHAT RAW WRASSLERS ARE GOIN TO SDL TOMORROW

VINCE: ain’t I great

BEAR: sure Vince, sure