WWE Raw (May 20, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

well it’s BORK and his walrus

PAUL: hi I’m Paul, that’s Bork, he’s got a case

BORK: case sounds neat

UNIVERSE: VERY NAH

PAUL: bet y’all think Bork snuck into MITB then paid off Vince, fake news, bet Seth’s scared now tho, Bork might cash it on him

suddenly SETH

SETH: beat AJ at MITB, Bork’s got a case, not great, cash on me tonite

PAUL: nah cause antici

BEAR: why hello Rocky Horror

PAUL: pation, your gf main evented Mania while you watched

SETH: say what bout The Man

PAUL: Bork might go cash in on Kofi anyway

it’s a new day, yes it is

KOFI: WIIIIIIIIIIILD CAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

BEAR: I see that

KOFI: imma beat the best, Bork’s that, cash on me tonite

PAUL: Bork just might, stay tuned

BEAR: hey Vince

VINCE: what

BEAR: subtlety’s an art, learn it

BORK: catering sucks, imma go hunt things

BORK chases down and eats a whole deer

SAMI: MITB sucked, help me Bob

BOB: nah, go fight Braun

SAMI: do I hafta

SETH: hey HHH, Paul said we’re still fightin, how bout that

HHH: yep, taggin vs Baron and Bob later

SETH: ain’t SDL tho

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN

SAMI: run awayyyyyyyy

BRAUN: o hai Bob

BOB: sup

SAMI: surprise

BRAUN: hahahahahahahahahaha die

BRAUN murderdeathkills SAMI all over backstage til

BRAUN: imma take you to the ring cause reasons

SAMI: cool have a post

BRAUN: ow

SAMI: and some stairs

BRAUN: nah

SAMI: post again then

BRAUN: very ow

REF: seems like match time

SAMI: heluva k-

BRAUN: adorable, have everything, pin

SAMI: k

CHARLY: here’s Lars

he in fact is

CHARLY: hey Lars, you beat up lotsa folks, how bout that

suddenly LUCHAS

LUCHAS: flippykicks, have a floor, also dives

LARS: three idiots say what

LUCHAS: what

LARS murderdeathkills LUCHAS

here’s RICOCHET, fightin CESARO, he’s got a new theme, it’s fine

CESARO: hear your back’s hurt, imma slam it on stuff

RICOCHET: face in perilin already huh

CESARO: yep

RICOCHET does til

RICOCHET: flippyrallytime

CESARO: uppercut, backbreaker, gotch neutralizer pin

RICOCHET: k

CHARLY: hey AJ, you almost beat Seth, how bout that

AJ: still lost, imma fight other folks

BARON: see but you failed tho

AJ: said that, you fail lots too

BARON: beat Seth tho

AJ: have a faceslap

BARON: ow, imma getcha later

here’s a big dog, suddenly a heel dad with money

SHANE: sup Roman, beat Miz at MITB, you punched my dad, you suck

ROMAN: fight me then

SHANE: only if Universe wants it

UNIVERSE: VERY YEP

SHANE: still nah, have Drew later, fightin ya at Showdown

ROMAN: prolly just gonna overcome ya

SARAH: hey Shane, so that happened, how bout that

MIZ: hi Shane still wanna fight ya

DREW: better not

MIZ: then imma fight ya later

USOS fightin REVIVAL, insert pretty great tag match til

DAWSON: rollypin

USO: k

BLISS: hey Nikki you lost at MITB

NIKKI: yep

suddenly REVIVAL

REVIVAL: beat USOS, put us on your show

BLISS: ew

here’s BRAY’s creepy kid show

BRAY: evil clown now, lemme in

now BLISS and NIKKI

BLISS: got coffee, imma take Nikki’s

NIKKI: totally fine with this

BLISS: here’s The Man, Nikki should get up

NIKKI: imma stand right by ya tho

BLISS: hey The Man, lost your blue belt, how bout that

suddenly IICONICS

IICONICS: got two belts tho

THE MAN: shut up, imma take both y’all’s belts

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: The Man lost her belt cause of me

THE MAN: tapped you tho, y’all should all fight me

NIKKI: imma help

THE MAN: so will Bliss

BLISS: um

THE MAN: look just stand there

BLISS: fine

THE MAN: come at me folks

BILLIE: maybe i can

THE MAN: nah

PEYTON: tag, maybe me

THE MAN: also nah

NIKKI: tag, have offense

IICONICS, LACEY: face in peril wouldja

NIKKI: must I

she must til

THE MAN: tag, imma rally

BILLIE: rollypin

THE MAN: nah, bexploder, knee pin

BILLIE: k

here’s MICK

MICK: let’s make RAW raw again

crowd lights go off cause reasons

BEAR: huh

MICK: bein a legend’s tough, got a new belt, called the 24/7 belt

UNIVERSE: HARDCORE THO

MICK: falls count anywhere any time, if you can grab it it’s yours, go

unabridgeable chaos ensues til

TITUS: ooh a belt, imma grab it

ROBERT: but imma pin ya, got the belt, imma hide

BEAR: imma give it a chance

here’s MIZ fightin DREW

DREW: I am very big

MIZ: but muh offense

DREW: but I am very big

a large amount of beef ensues til

MIZ: imma hurt your leg

DREW: legpush

SHANE: sneakypunch

DREW: pin

MIZ: nah, figure four

DREW: have beefchops

MIZ: k fine, floor instead, hi Shane

SHANE: run awayyy

MIZ: really

SHANE: pshh nah, sneakypunch

DREW: claymore pin

MIZ: k

SHANE: imma coast 2 coast on ya

suddenly ROMAN

ROMAN: brb time to overcome things

SHANE, DREW: run awayyy

ROMAN overcomes things

ROBERT’s still runnin with the 24/7 belt

CHARLY: hey Seth and Kofi, y’all gonna tag while Bork’s here, how bout that

KOFI: Bob and Baron are good tho

SETH: but they both suck

CHARLY: who should Bork cash on, how bout that

KOFI: def one of us, hope it’s me

COLE: ref botched the US champ match at MITB, Joe wonked up Rey’s shoulder

JOE: hey Rey, never lost the belt, give it back or your kid gets hands

ROBERT’s still runnin

TRUTH: hey hide in the trunk

ROBERT: thanks dude

TRUTH: now imma pin ya

ROBERT: k

KOFI/SETH fight BOB/BARON

BOB, BARON: but first beatemups

SETH: didn’t help ya

BARON: deep six pin

SETH: nah, jumpykick

KOFI: tag

BOB: also tag

KOFI: offense but zoomy

BOB: offense but beefy

BARON: tag, have walls, y’all should face in peril

so they do til

BARON: imma put Seth under all the chairs

then just KOFI’s in peril til

SETH: chairthumps, facekicks, imma rally

BOB: have the floor

KOFI: you too

BARON: feelin left out

KOFI: also you, imma jump on ya, trouble in paradise pin

BARON: k

BOB: spears, chairthumps, etc

SETH: hi stop that

suddenly BORK

BORK: totally cashin

SETH, KOFI: really

PAUL: nah he ain’t, tell ya who and when next week, Universe better watch

BEAR: Vince

VINCE: yep

BEAR: never mind