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WWE Raw (May 13, 2019) – Abridged

In which this is the only Abridged this week. Sorry folks.

BEAR: welp on the road and wifi didn’t work for a sec, what’d I miss

SHANE: sent Bob and Elias to beat up Roman and Miz

BEAR: ooh

SHANE: and now they’re taggin

BEAR: sighhhhhhh

MIZ: Elias gets punchykicky stuff

ROMAN: tag

ELIAS: very nah

BOB: tag

ROMAN: ropeybounces

BOB: but I am very beef

ROMAN: but I overcome things, pin

BOB: nah

ROMAN: corner clotheslines then

MIZ: tag

ELIAS: imma intervene

MIZ: kicks for the heels then

BOB: k time for beef

MIZ: welp

SHANE: also have ropechokes

ELIAS: and meteora pin

MIZ: nah

MIZ face in perils til

ROMAN: you should really tag me

SHANE: you should really have the floor

REF: k match’s done

SHANE, ELIAS, and BOB beat up MIZ til

ROMAN: time to overcome things

SHANE, ELIAS, BOB: numbers game tho

MIZ: ooh a chair, imma smack y’all with it

ROMAN and MIZ overcome things

COLE: MITB’s soon

CHARLY: hey Braun, you threw Sami in a dumpster, how bout that

BRAUN: MITB’s soon, imma grab the case

TECH DUDE: Shane wants to see ya

BRAUN: neat, bye

SAMI: hey Shane, Universe sucks, Braun does too

SHANE: neat

BRAUN: you rang

SAMI: take him outta the MITB match

SHANE: can’t just do that

BEAR: you do run the show tho

SAMI: fine then falls count anywhere with Braun tonight, winner’s in MITB

SHANE: an idiot says what

SAMI: what

BEAR: exactly

here’s a dude who hates mirrors, APOLLO’s fightin him cause wild card

APOLLO: ow hurt my leg

MOJO: imma target it, also pin


meanwhile backstage

BLISS: Brits lost my luggage

NIKKI: hey Bliss, I’m nice now, everyone ignores me, wanna be friends

BLISS: sure, wanna fight the MITB folks tonight


BLISS: cool imma tell Shane

COLE: time to sign things


COLE: hey The Man, got some pressure at MITB, how bout that

THE MAN: don’t care, imma stomp Lacey, looks like Charlotte

CHARLOTTE: big talk, The Man’ll lose

LACEY: shoulda worn nice clothes like mine too

THE MAN: wrong clothes for a brawl tho

LACEY: what

THE MAN: y’all got pressure too, imma sign things

CHARLOTTE: The Man’s overhyped, imma win at MITB, imma sign things

LACEY: I’m fancylike, Universe ain’t, imma win at MITB, imma sign things

THE MAN: k hit me then

LACEY: don’t wanna

THE MAN: signed things tho

so they brawl, THE MAN’s bombed through the table

here’s BARON

RING DUDE: Baron’s done a buncha stuff

RICOCHET: cool imma fight him

BARON: have a floor

RICOCHET: nah imma zoom

BARON: throwin ya at corners tho

RICOCHET: imma zoom more

BARON: anythin else

RICOCHET: also flips

BARON: face in peril time


RICOCHET face in perils til

RICOCHET: imma rally

BARON: deep six pin


BARON: ref sucks

REF: kinda hurtful

RICOCHET: ddt pin

BARON: nah

RICOCHET: have all the flips then, pin

BARON: still nah, end of days pin


BARON: not done, found a ladder, imma climb it

RICOCHET: imma push it


CHARLY: hey Rey, Joe threatened your kid last week, how bout that

REY: wasn’t cool, dude should just fine me

CESARO: your kid sucks, prolly ain’t yours

REY: hahahahaha have all the beatemups

VIDEO: member how Roman’s great

BEAR: nah plz tell us again

SARAH: hey AJ, you used heel offense at Seth last two weeks, how bout that

AJ: didn’t mean to, imma take Seth’s belt and show tho

here’s a fatal four way, women’s MITB folks but NIKKI’s subbin for BLISS

BLISS: still commentatin tho

unabridgeable beatemups ensue til

DANA: found a ladder, imma jump on y’all

NATTIE: have a wall

NIKKI: spinning neckbreaker pin


BLISS: neat imma climb your ladder and grab a case

SAMI: social media sucks, imma totally beat Braun tonight

JOE: not at Raw, imma beat Rey and maybe his kid at MITB

REY fights CESARO, insert standard but also good match til

REY: splash pin


DASH: so Usos are bein weird

DAWSON: should just fight us

here’s BRAY’s creepy TV show

BRAY: got a secret, learned how to harness my darkness, wanna see

BEAR: not really

BRAY: basically just It with dreadlocks, yowie wowie

BEAR: welp not sleepin tonight

SARAH: hey Seth, AJ said he didn’t mean to hit ya, how bout that

SETH: so what, fought AJ buncha years ago, imma beat him at MITB

SAMI: falls count anywhere time, totally got a chance

BRAUN: have some hands

SAMI: run awayyyyyyy

BRAUN: that’s funny

SAMI: have a beer and a trash can

BRAUN: adorable, have a column

BARON: well hi, have a trash can

SAMI: pin

BRAUN: nah

BARON: thru a table then

SAMI: pin

BRAUN: still nah

SAMI: runnin back to the ring then

BRAUN: really

SAMI: pshh nah have chairthwaps

BRAUN: imma grab it, keep runnin

SAMI: how’s backstage

BRAUN: why would you gimme more weapons

SAMI: um

BRAUN: have a garage door

DREW: have all the beef

SAMI: pin

BRAUN: I told ya nah, also Drew gets a random cooler

SAMI: should prolly run huh

BRAUN: won’t help, have a ladder

SAMI: very ow

BRAUN: imma bury ya

BARON, DREW: hey maybe don’t, also have ladders

BRAUN: still kinda fine

BARON, DREW: throwin ya thru a ladder then

DREW: also claymore

SAMI: pin

BRAUN: nah

BARON, DREW: can’t nah, holdin ya


BARON, DREW: have Sami tho

BRAUN: cool, go thru a table

SAMI: my petard, been hoisted by it

BEAR: no abridged tomorrow, imma be jet flyin


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