WWE SmackDown Live (April 9, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

it’s a KOFI day, yes it is

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

E: so Kofi won a belt

XAVIER: true but also do a split

E: k

he in fact does

E: also Kofi almost got two belts on Raw, gonna celebrate him

XAVIER: yep, watched Kofi debut, he’s my hero

E: then we tagged and changed all the games

XAVIER: so good job dude

KOFI: yep, won a belt, fam’s here, everything’s perfect

suddenly BAR

SHEAMUS: totally saved you from losing the belt last night

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

CESARO: let’s do a six man tag playaplayaplaya

E: only two of you tho

suddenly DREW

BEAR: yawn

meanwhile BLACKOCHET & ALI fight NAKARUSEV & ANDRADE cause SDL playaplayaplaya

NAK: strong style time

RICOCHET: k but imma flippypin

NAK: nah

RICOCHET: arm work then

RUSEV: tag, cornerkicky offense

ANDRADE: also tag pin

RICOCHET: nah but I take it imma face in peril

NAK: tag, also yep

RICOCHET face in perils til

RICOCHET: imma neckbreak Rusev

ALI: tag, imma also flip

BLACK: tag, imma strike

RUSEV: is heel in peril a thing

BLACK: is now, imma dive

RANDY: maybe don’t

BLACK: k then imma sit

RICOCHET, ALI: us too

RUSEV: hey Ali you should really face in peril

ALI: fine I guess

he does til

BLACK: tag, zoomypunches flippypin

ANDRADE: nah

unabridgeable chaos ensues til

ALI: tag, 450 pin

ANDRADE: k

suddenly RANDY

RANDY: rko tho

ALI: ow

suddenly KO

KO: stunner

RUSEV: ow

BEAR: huh

SARAH: hey Usos, Hardyz fightin for your belts tonight, how bout that

USO: never fought the Hardyz uce

USO: best bros and taggers in WWE uce

USOS: welcome to our jail uce

here’s TRUTHMELLA

TRUTH: sup

UNIVERSE: SUP

TRUTH: The Man’s great

MELLA: Kofi’s got a belt

TRUTH: Mella beat Andre at Mania

MELLA: didn’t tho, cashed in a year ago, lost belt, gained Truth, he’s great

suddenly JOE

TRUTH: offense then

JOE: hahahahahahahahahaha coquina clutch then have the floor

TRUTH: oh

JOE: beat Rey at Mania real fast, imma beat all the folks

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

BRAUN: you rang

JOE: guess so, coquina clutch

BRAUN: I am very big tho, powersl-

JOE: nah, imma run away

BRAUN: still gave ya hands

suddenly IICONICS

IICONICS: hi Braun

BRAUN: very nah, bye

suddenly a cardboard box with a cackling dino head and a Hawaiian shirt again

BEAR: so sorry Bray

PEYTON: won belts at Mania

BILLIE: gonna fight best taggers in Brooklyn

oh look it’s JOBBERS

PEYTON: totally fightin champs

JOBBER 1: so how quick do I lose to y’all

IICONICS: gotta pose first

JOBBER 1: how bout now

IICONICS: gotta beatdown first

JOBBER 2: tag, pin

BILLIE: nah, nice touch tho

PEYTON: tag, faceknee pin

JOBBER 2: k

SARAH: hey Paige, you’re on SDL, how bout that

PAIGE: watchin IIconics, cute match, imma bring nonjobbers next week

here’s a heel dad with money

SHANE: buncha folks wanted to see me beat Miz, totally did, Mister Miz gave me black eye tho, beat him too, hey Ring Dude

RING DUDE: hey Shane

SHANE: why didn’t ya say the thing

RING DUDE: Universe said they’d beat me up

SHANE: say the thing tho

RING DUDE: best in the woooooorld

SHANE: more tho

RING DUDE: best in the wooo-

SHANE: still nah, imma tiedrag ya

RING DUDE: beeeeeest in the wooo-

SHANE: very nah, last chance

RING DUDE: BEEEEEEEEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD

SHANE: cool bye

here’s HARDYZ fightin USOS for belts

HARDYZ: doubleteam

USOS: but cornerpunches uce

MATT: but chestpunches

USO: but samoan drop pin

MATT: nah

USO: have floor then uce

USO: and a barricade uce

USO: now you’re in peril uce

MATT: guess so

he is til

JEFF: tag, wanna offense

USO: got kicks tho uce

JEFF: whisper in the wind pin

USO: nah

MATT: tag, poetry in motion, side effect pin

USO: nah

MATT: imma lose the shirt

BEAR: now it’s serious

JEFF: tag

USO: zoomysplash pin

JEFF: nah

USOS: double uce maybe uce

JEFF: imma dodge

MATT: twist of fate

JEFF: tag, swanton pin

USO: k

PICCOLO: see Gohan dodging works

GOHAN: this time

SARAH: hey Hardyz, you got belts, how bout th-

suddenly LARS

LARS: hi, throw, spike, smash, jump

HARDYZ: welp

here’s THE MAN

THE MAN: got two belts

UNIVERSE: YOU IN FACT DO

THE MAN: went to Raw, Lacey facepunched me, imma fight all the folks, beltpose

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: facepunch

THE MAN: ow

BEAR: sure

NEW DAY gonna fight BAR & DREW til suddenly SAMI

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

SAMI: nah, bye

KOFI: imma zoomypin Sheamus then

SHEAMUS: nah

XAVIER: tag

SHEAMUS: have floor

DREW: and a table

XAVIER: very ow

he face in perils til

E: tag, beefytime

CESARO: jump tho

E: pin tho

CESARO: nah tho

SHEAMUS: tag, white noise pin

XAVIER: please don’t

SHEAMUS: fine imma brogue

E: nah, have clotheslines

KOFI: tag, offense, trouble in paradise pin

SHEAMUS: k

KOFI: hey fam let’s beltpose

they in fact do

BEAR: stop cuttin onions