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WWE Raw (April 8, 2019) – Abridged

In which a dino head wearing a Hawaiian shirt cackles in a box.

WWE.com

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

COLE: Raw after Mania time, leeeeettle hoarse

here’s SETH

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

SETH: got a belt cause I beat Bork at Mania

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

SETH: really hurt, still won, punched some grapefruits

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

BEAR: so imma just stop abridging that

SETH: Bork’s goin to UFC, imma fight folks every Raw

suddenly NEW DAY

SETH: SDL’s tomorrow tho

E: yep

XAVIER: but you beat Bork at Mania

E: and Kofi beat Bryan at Mania, imma do splits

he in fact does

KOFI: and The Man won both belts at Mania, sounds cool, imma fight Seth, winner take all

SETH: k

here’s HAWKRYDER rematchin with REVIVAL for the belts

WILDER: restholdybeef to Ryder

HAWKINS: pin

WILDER: nah

BEAR: bored now

beatemups ensue til

HAWKINS: rollypin

DAWSON: k

ROME: here’s a dude who used to win stuff and also beat Kurt

BARON: yep, I’m great, Kurt sucked, so does NYC

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: sup, you won at Mania, good job, let’s shake

BARON: I see no way this could backfire

it backfires

KURT: yay

suddenly a wild LARS appears

KURT: well hello

LARS: slam, jump, bye

KURT: ow

here’s BLISS

BLISS: imma fight Boss or Hug

BAYLEY: welp it’s Hug, have a corner

BLISS: have the ring and the apron and the floor

BAYLEY: oh

BLISS: and rest holds and faceslaps and ropekicks

BAYLEY: but muh cornerbomb, pin

BLISS: nah, ddt pin

BAYLEY: k

here’s THE MAN

THE MAN: got two belts now, beat Ronnie and Ric’s kid, imma keep overcomin things

ROMAN: but

THE MAN: we both can

ROMAN: k

THE MAN: imma beat all the folks, who’s first

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: hi

THE MAN: go away

LACEY: facepunch

THE MAN: hahahahahahahaha die

LACEY: nah

THE MAN: but muh disarmher

LACEY: bye

THE MAN: aww

CHARLY: hey Seth, winner take all’s happenin, how bout that

SETH: yep, Kofi shoulda stayed on SDL, imma take his belt

BLACKOCHET fight GABLEROODE for the umpteenth time til

RICOCHET: pin

GABLE: k

ROODE: ambush tho

BLACKOCHET: why

GABLEROODE: heels now

here’s ELIAS strummin backstage

ELIAS: Cena ruined Mania, thuganometry sucks, imma play tonight, any interrupter dies

here’s DEAN and also a box with a cackling dino head in a Hawaiian shirt

BEAR: oh Bray, honey, no

suddenly BOBLIO

BOB: hey Dean imma take care of your wife when you’re gone

RENEE: very nah

DEAN: cute, have a kjgbillion beatemups

LIO: but muh punch

DEAN: imma throw ya over there

BOB: k but spear tho

DEAN: is that it

BOB: also thru the table

DEAN: very very VERY ow

RENEE: I am concern

REFS: us too

BEAR: k bye Dean I guess

MOJO: STILL HATE MIRRORS

suddenly SAMI

SAMI: hi, name’s Sami, imma fight folks, who’s first

suddenly not DEMONFINN

FINN: let’s fight for mah belt

SAMI: why would you

FINN: cause Raw after Mania

SAMI: chestydrum then

FINN: um

SAMI: armholds too

FINN: but imma flip, here’s armhugs, have the floor

SAMI: nah you, imma jump

FINN: dodge

SAMI: imma not jump then

GOHAN: don’t you dare

PICCOLO: didn’t say anything

SAMI: beatemups round the ring

FINN: dropkicky cheststompy cornerchoppy fun

SAMI: not fun, imma ropeclimb, blue thunder bomb pin

FINN: nah, cornerthumps, coup de-

SAMI: dodge pin

FINN: nah

SAMI: then heluva k-

FINN: also dodge pin

SAMI: k

GOHAN: guess dodging doesn’t work sometimes huh Piccolo

PICCOLO: shut up

SAMI: hey Universe guess y’all missed me

UNIVERSE: YEP

SAMI: didn’t miss y’all tho

UNIVERSE: oh

SAMI: cause you’re ugly and you suck and imma tell ya every week

UNIVERSE: ohhhhhh you’re a heel

SAMI: yep

DANA: hey Sarah, The Man’s got two belts, imma fight her soon

SARAH: k

ELIAS: hi, Cena ruined Mania, thuganometry sucks, rappin’s easy, imma do it

ELIAS rhymes words and it’s very bad

ELIAS: next interrupter’s a dead man

suddenly GONG

and

then

TAKER

does

his

whole

entrance

which

takes

a

good

long

while

ELIAS: his vision’s based on movement so imma leave reeeeeeeeeeeeal slow

TAKER: I can see you.

ELIAS: fiiiiiiiine imma fight then

TAKER: Kick. Chokeslam. Tombstone. Rest in peace.

ELIAS: welp

BEAR: wait how is he not abridged

TAKER: I do not play by the rules of mortal men. I am beyond your comprehension.

BEAR: k I have no response to that

TAKER: They never do. Goodbye.

iiiiiiiiiit’s winner take all time

SETH: hey Kofi I can zoom

KOFI: me too tho

SETH: how bout chestslaps

KOFI: yep

SETH: dropkick then

KOFI: eh maybe later

SETH: also facekick pin

KOFI: nah

SETH: curbst-

KOFI: also nah, rollypin

SETH: nah

KOFI: then flippypin

SETH: nah

KOFI: don’t have many more pins so imma jump

SETH: please don’t

KOFI: then have floor

SETH: ow

suddenly BAR

BAR: gonna beat y’all up cause heels

REF: welp match’s done

SETH: k then Bar fights Kofi and me

UNIVERSE: VERY NAH

VINCE: dammit totally thought that’d work

BEAR: how

insert standard tag match except UNIVERSE is very nah til

SETH: curbstomp pin

CESARO: k

BEAR: hmph

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