WWE Raw (April 29, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

here’s BLISS

BLISS: well it’s Moment of Bliss, MITB’s soon, Braun/Ricochet/Drew/Baron fight for the men’s case

BARON: I’m pretty great, imma grab the case

RICOCHET: nah, your cash in failed

DREW: also you screwed me and lost to AJ, imma grab the case

RICOCHET: see but

DREW: shut up rookie

BARON: imma still grab the case

DREW: also shut up

BRAUN: everyone shut up, imma give y’all hands

DREW, BARON: like later

BRAUN: also now

BRAUN and RICOCHET fight DREW and BARON cause they’re fightin later

BARON: kickin Braun seems like a good idea

BRAUN: have the floor twice

RICOCHET: tag, general flippiness

BARON: hey Drew could you help

DREW: fine, tag, scottybeef

RICOCHET: so I’m face in periling, cool

he does til

BARON: hmm wonder what’ll happen if I mess with Braun

BRAUN: imma run after ya

DREW: cool have a claymore

RICOCHET keeps face in periling til

RICOCHET: imma rally

DREW: headbutt, claym-

BARON: tag

DREW: very nah, facepunch

BRAUN: powerslam

RICOCHET: flippypin

BARON: k

here’s the USOS

USOS: GONNA SING OUR THEME REAL LOUD

UNIVERSE: neat

they’re fightin CLUB

ANDERSON: welcome to our prison

GRAVES: are there conjugal visits there

BEAR: I love you

insert standard tag match here, USOS win

USO: Revival kinda suck uce

USO: here’s video of Dash shavin Dawson’s back uce

suddenly REVIVAL

DAWSON: yep cause couldn’t reach

DASH: so I helped

BEAR: seems reasonable

USO: y’all manscape tho uce

DASH: we are mad about this for some reason

USOS: welcome to our prison uce

AWWWWWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: well it’s Miz TV, here’s Bob

here he in fact is

MIZ: hey Bob, you-

BOB: Bob’s only answerin what he wants

MIZ: neat, you’re real strong but kinda meh, how bout that

BOB: Bob’s won the IC belt twice in a year, what’d you do

MIZ: lotsa stuff but I’m humble now so I won’t say I’ve won lots or my wife’s hot

BOB: but Shane beat you at Mania, your dad thinks ya suck

MIZ: k have a brawl and two chairs

BOB: Bob thinks we should fight

MIZ: cool

BOB: so Bob’ll beef ya to death

MIZ: but muh kicks and corner knees tho

suddenly a heel dad with money

SHANE: imma distract ya

BOB: maybe Bob’ll win then

MIZ: nah, offense for days

SHANE: your dad’s on the tron

MIZ: now I am very distracted

BOB: pin

SHANE: beatdown time

MIZ: very nah

BOB: see ya say that

SHANE and BOB murderdeathkill MIZ

SHANE: best in the wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorld

here’s VIKES but suddenly LUCHAS attack

LUCHAS: yay we totally have a chance now

VIKES: adorable, die

they in fact do

here’s BLISS

BLISS: well it’s moment of bliss again, Nattie’s fightin for the ladies’ case

NATTIE: imma grab the case

BLISS: also Dana

DANA: want a opportunity cause Nattie gets em all, imma grab the case

NATTIE: earned em tho

BLISS: also Naomi

NAOMI: won a bunch on SDL, wanna win the Raw belt, imma grab the case

NATTIE: nah me

DANA: nah me

BLISS: y’all shut up, you suck, takin some lady’s moment

NATTIE: wow yeah you’re right so sorry

BLISS: it’s me

NAOMI: k fight me now

BLISS: don’t wanna

NAOMI: you chicken

BLISS: fine

suddenly a kid’s show

BRAY: imma paint somethin

RABBIT: what

BRAY: a house on fire

WITCH: you’re very bad

BRAY: but Universe likes me now

WITCH: fine

BRAY: she’s a sociopath, this was fun, lemme in, bye

BEAR: this is terrifying and I love it

insert standard women’s match except BLISS ties her shoes a lot til

NAOMI: butt based offense, flippypin

BLISS: k

GRAVES: clearly it’s the shoes’ fault

CHARLY: hey Rey, Joe killed you at Mania, how bout that

REY: also Lars killed me few weeks ago, let my kid down

REY’S KID: sup

REY: so imma beat Joe later

here’s THE MAN

CHARLY: hey The Man, you’re fightin Lacey and Charlotte at MITB, how bout that

THE MAN: welp it’s that or not fight

CHARLY: hey The Man, odds are against ya, how bout that

THE MAN: never tell me the odds

HAN: watch your mouth kid

THE MAN: main evented Mania, won, got two belts, don’t like dodgin folks

GOHAN: I like her

THE MAN: Charlotte sucks in general, Lacey’s a plank with a good punch

CHARLY: hey The Man, Lacey might punch ya real hard at MITB, how bout that

THE MAN: Lacey should get out here

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: The Man’s like a man plus she’s emotional

THE MAN: neat let’s brawl

they in fact do

HAWKRYDER’s here, they’re fightin REVIVAL

DASH: imma ropebounce

HAWKINS: imma dropkick

COLE: member how Usos mocked Revival

GRAVES: who doesn’t love a freshly shorn back

BEAR: we don’t deserve you

RYDER: tag

REVIVAL: can you face in peril now tho

RYDER: do I hafta

he does til

RYDER: slideypin

DASH: k

meanwhile backstage

INTERVIEWER: hey Miz, Shane cost ya your match, how bout that

MIZ: steel cage match at MITB

here’s a silly hipster who hates everyone

SAMI: really lovin life, learned stuff bout it, didn’t give an autograph to a kid, kid cried cause he’s entitled, Universe is entitled too, retiring would be great but I’m not gonna, go to heck

here’s JOE

JOE: Rey’s kid doesn’t really love Rey cause I beat him at Mania, Rey cost me last week, imma beat him worse

REY: see but imma zoom

JOE: beef beats zoom

REY: wait really

BEAR: yep

REY: muh facekicks tho

JOE: eh

REY: and even more zooms

JOE: what’d I say

REY: ddt pin

JOE: nah but ow

REY: have a corner, 61-

JOE: nah

REY: rollypin

REF: ooh

REY: hey ref

REF: yep

REY: wanna count maybe

REF: fine

JOE: k

suddenly a table and some chairs and COLE

COLE: let’s sign a thing, here’s AJ and Seth

yep

COLE: hey AJ, you’re fightin Seth, how bout that

AJ: SDL was my house, came to RAW cause Universe, Seth’s great, still takin his belt, Seth’ll never be me

SETH: never wanted to be, you’re not on SDL anymore, Raw’s my show, imma win at MITB

AJ: but you got hurt a bunch, plus Shield’s gone, imma win at MITB

AJ signs the thing

SETH: I beat Bork, you didn’t, imma win at MITB

SETH signs the thing

AJ: your belt’s nice

SETH: yep, imma hold it up

AJ: can we fight now

SETH: it’s a signin so

AJ and SETH fight

BEAR: k