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WWE RAW (April 22, 2019) – Abridged

In which six folks fight to fight to fight for a belt.

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

behold the king

the king of kings

on your knees dog

suddenly also SETH


SETH: I’m from here, beat you once, beat Bork at Mania, got a belt

HHH: yep, slayed me and stomped Bork

SETH: thrice

HHH: but things got shook last week so folks wanna fight ya

SETH: yep, also MITB’s comin up, familiar with that briefcase

HHH: also two triple threats tonite, winners fight, that winner fights you at MITB

SETH: neat

suddenly JOE

JOE: got a belt, want another, imma take Seth’s belt

suddenly REY

REY: nah imma take it

suddenly DREW

DREW: nah imma take it, woulda beaten Bork if you didn’t


MIZ: got shook to Raw, beat Shane, imma take Seth’s belt

suddenly BARON

BARON: nah imma take it cause I beat Kurt

suddenly a dude with farmer strength

BEAR: aaaaaaaaaaand the gang’s all here

AJ: shut up Baron, got shook to Raw, built SDL, imma take Seth’s belt

SETH: or imma keep it

AJ and REY and JOE fight to fight to fight for SETH’s belt

JOE: beef’s my thing, have some both of y’all

AJ: cornerbeats tho

REY: also I can zoom, legthrowin Joe to the floor

AJ: wanna zoomyfight

REY: who doesn’t

JOE: with occasional beef

AJ, REY: fine

that ensues til

JOE: wanna beef more, AJ gets faceslaps

AJ: pele kick tho

REY: still zoomin

JOE: imma cut in

REY: nah have a floor

JOE: you too

REY: top rope climb

AJ: me too

JOE: superplex then, all the pins

AJ: all the nah

REY: then maybe graps beats beef

JOE: nah beef’s still here

finisher based chaos ensues til

REY: imma jump on AJ

AJ: nah, styles clash on you to Joe and pin

JOE: think I say k now

COLE: Cena hosted Ellen fyi

NAOMI’s fightin BILLIE but first

PEYTON: we know famous folks

BILLIE: also got each other’s backs, Bayley left

IICONICS: future’s iiconic

BILLIE: startin with rest holds

NAOMI: facekick, zooms, bonks, slaps

PEYTON: imma distract ya

NAOMI: nah pin

BILLIE: k but very nah bout it

here’s creepy toys and a laughing doll and oh come on just let BRAY wrestle

MIZ and DREW and CORBIN fight to fight to fight for SETH’s belt

MIZ: rollypin

DREW: nah

MIZ: imma take a min

BARON, DREW: both heels tho, have beef

MIZ face in perils til

MIZ: rally time, it kicks for days

DREW: but I am very big

CORBIN: as am I, superplex everyone

DREW: brb imma slam Miz

MIZ: figure four

DREW: here’s thumb in ur eye

BARON: also deep six pin

MIZ: nah

finisher based chaos ensues til

DREW: claymore

BARON: imma steal that pin

MIZ: k


CHARLY: hey AJ, you’re fightin Baron to fight Seth, how bout that

AJ: I’m like a dog so imma beat Baron

BEAR: ...k

here’s SAMI

SAMI: not bitter, totally jubulant

BEAR: *jubilant

SAMI: loved not bein here, WWE’s a downer cause Universe sucks, please boo me


SAMI: just means y’all suck more, go to heck

now CEDRIC fights CESARO cause they got shook here

CESARO: cornerchops

CEDRIC: imma cruise

CESARO: what

CEDRIC: like zoomin, moar flips

CESARO: backbreaker

CEDRIC: guess I face in peril now

he does til

CEDRIC: rollypin


CEDRIC: hmm needs moar cruisin, driver pin

CESARO: still nah

CEDRIC: even moar cruisin then, ropejump too

CESARO: stiff nah pin

CEDRIC: k but what day is it

CHARLY: hey Usos, got shook to Raw, how bout that

USOS: yep, gonna beat all the folks

REVIVAL: cept us

USOS: doin us a sleep, welcome to our prison

here’s the VIKING EXPER- scuse me the VIKING RAIDERS

BEAR: that’s better Vince

VINCE: all part of the plan dammit

BEAR: sure

here’s LUCHAPARTY, VIKES kill em

INTERVIEWER: hey Hawkryder, Raw’s got good tag teams, how bout that

HAWKINS: they are very big

RYDER: also they smell

here’s THE MAN

THE MAN: things got shook, fightin Foxy tonight, fightin Lacey later, punchin’s fine but she’s blond and

speak of the devil

LACEY: control your emotions, stop showin off, imma punch ya later

BEAR: what is this, Captain Marvel

THE MAN: k you’re annoying, imma beat you at MITB

meanwhile here’s FOXY

FOXY: plz face in peril a bit at least

THE MAN: sure whatevs

FOXY: totally got a chance

she in fact does not, THE MAN wins, suddenly LACEY

LACEY: woman’s right

THE MAN: very ow

LACEY: and another

THE MAN: same deal

CHARLY: hey Baron, you’re fightin AJ to fight Seth, how bout that

BARON: not really a question, marks on computers suck

BEAR: I feel attacked

here’s RICOCHET fightin ROBERT

RICOCHET: so you were Bobby

ROBERT: yep but mustache

GRAVES: Iowa’s all preggers now

BEAR: please never change

RICOCHET: imma zoom

ROBERT: rather ya didn’t, rest holds

RICOCHET: imma rally tho, standing shooting star pin

ROBERT: nah, spinebuster pin

RICOCHET: nah, imma jump atcha

ROBERT: glorious DDT pin


here’s BRAY

BRAY: used to be evil voodoo dude, now I’m unsettling kids show host

BEAR: well then

now AJ and BARON fight to fight for SETH’s belt

ROME: hey Universe, Baron won a buncha stuff

AJ: he can have offense

BARON: then you get facepunches and the floor and the wall and rest holds and beef

AJ: ooh that’s a lot but imma rally, rollypin

BARON: nah

AJ: then styles cl-

BARON: still nah, deep six pin

AJ: also nah, calf crusher

BARON: nah, imma jump atcha

AJ: dodge, phenomenal forearm pin


PICCOLO: see, he dodged and now he’s fightin for Seth’s belt

GOHAN: k so sometimes it works

PICCOLO: least you’re learnin

suddenly SETH

SETH: guess you’re fightin for my belt

AJ: guess so

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