WWE Raw results, recap, reactions (April 1, 2019): Brawl for all

In the WWE, you’re not the main event of WrestleMania until you have one of those over-the-top bonkers segments that we all know and love.

At long last, the triple threat match of Ronda Rousey, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch got their moment. And OH MY GOD it was glorious.

The trio had a six-woman tag match against the Riott Squad with the stipulation that they weren’t allowed to turn on each other. Otherwise, the person who struck first would be pulled from WrestleMania. Despite some jawing, posturing, and fake concern during the match, each of the women were able to refrain from fighting until they’d won the match.

“Until” being the key word, that is. Afterwards, Rousey immediately jumped up and punched Charlotte straight in the throat. What followed might have been one of my favorite brawls in WWE history.

What made it so amazing was the sheer length of the spectacle. They started to brawl in the ring before each getting handcuffed, but the handcuffs didn’t really stop them. They kept kicking and fighting the cops all the way to the back where cop cars were waiting.

And like...I can’t even describe it. I was laughing my ass off. These three played musical cars for a bit and it was like a violent Three Stooges skit. The cops would open a car door and someone’s leg would shoot out to kick whomever. Rousey and Lynch got put into the back of the same car and apparently the thing to do was to start kicking each other like mad.

It was wild, man. Just watch the damn video and grin. It’s what we’re all doing, after all.

Totally hyped for this match again, by the way.

Batista is Best-tista

I said it last week and I’ll say it again: Batista was one of my favorite wrestlers during his first stint with WWE. And when he comes out like he did on this show, fancy as hell with his flourished gestures and catchy one-liners, can you blame me?

Story wise, he was brilliant, as well. He spun this big tale about how Triple H is an egomaniac and Triple H snapped back with mockery and a bullet point list of why Batista was wrong. Batista’s response?

“Hunter? Kiss my ass.”

It’s perfect! Whether you’re on Triple H’s side or Batista’s, you can use that quote to back up your point. Either that point concedes the argument to Triple H or it shows that Batista refuses to get sucked back into this toxic atmosphere and wants to focus on the match. Either way, it’s great.

And then he walked up the stage and bowed like a thespian accepting an award, too! Can we have more Batista after WrestleMania, please? Give the dude his own show, at least.

The Rest

Seth Rollins will win via crotch shots, apparently – I was really disappointed with the effort here. I was hoping WWE would do something to hype me up for Rollins vs. Lesnar, but I just wasn’t a fan of more talking and a few crotch shots.

Baron Corbin def. Rey Mysterio – On one hand, I appreciate Baron Corbin. He’s such a douche that he works perfectly at times. Coming out to mock Kurt Angle after his video tribute is a perfect example.

...But they closed the show with him beating Rey and getting the Ankle Lock put on him by Angle and expected massive cheers, I guess. Nah, ‘E. Nah.

Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Bayley, and Sasha Banks def. The Samoan Slaughterhouse and The IIconics – This was fun! We got it early in the night and it essentially acted as a Glamazon showcase. She speared Tamina through a barricade and put down Peyton Royce with a Glam Slam. No complaints at all.

Finn Balor is a slippery little snake Demon – Massively disappointed with this. Words can’t express how much I hated it. Balor dropped a corny line about having his demons before some digital fog filled the screen and he was suddenly in demon paint. He hissed at Bobby Lashley and the entire thing felt lackluster to me.

Balor’s Demon will never get any actual story attention. We’ll never get an explanation for how it works or why Balor doesn’t use it at times. I just need to accept this and find a new favorite wrestler.

The Revival def. Aleister Black and Ricochet – Best match of the night by far. These four are fantastic and the simple injustice of the Revival cheating would work just fine as justification for adding a rematch to the WrestleMania card.

Apollo Crews def. Jinder Mahal – As lame as it sounds. Served as a promotion for the ATGMBR and pleeeease Cageside don’t make me spell that out, okay?

Drew McIntyre assaults Roman Reigns – I wish we’d gotten more from this feud. I’m still not excited for this fight, which is a shame because McIntyre’s trying his best.

Braun Strowman squashes some dudes – A callback to what got Strowman here. I was more entertained by Tyler Breeze’s clever machinations to avoid these hands, to be honest.

Heavy Machinery def. Bobby Roode and Chad Gable – This happened.

Well, I’ll give this show this: it’s certainly a memorable one. Everything that happened was either really good or really bad to me. I’m as excited as I’ve ever been for Batista and the women’s triple threat.

On the other end, the Rollins vs. Lesnar feud is still underwhelming and I’m pouring the rest of my drink out for whatever happened to make the Demon so hokey.

Grade: C+

Don’t like the grade?

Your turn, Cageside.