WWE Raw (April 1, 2019) – Abridged

BEAR: fyi programming note, not abridging Mania or other ppvs cause it’d just be match descriptions, time to abridge things

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

STEPH: I’m in the Mania main event

UNIVERSE: NAH

STEPH: check the date

UNIVERSE: ah

STEPH: but Mania main event winner gets all the belts

suddenly a walrus and a hungry dude

PAUL: hi I’m Paul, that’s Bork, Bork’s gonna beat Seth at Mania real bad cause he beat Roman real bad

BURN IT DOOOOOOOOOWN

SETH: shut up, you suck, let’s fight

BORK: hahahahahahahaha suplex suplex suplex

SETH: grapefruit punch

BORK: Taker is that you

SETH: facekick, curb stomp

BORK: ow, imma eat junk food

BORK eats all of Congress

CHARLY: hey Seth, if you do that at Mania you’ll get dqd, how bout that

SETH: yep

BOSS&HUG and NATTIEBETH fight NIAMINA and IICONICS

BAYLEY: I wanna do the thing

NATTIE: but I wanna do the thing

SASHA: screw it imma do the thing, have armdrags

BAYLEY: tag, moar arm stuff

SASHA: tag

NATTIE: k my turn, pin to Billie

BILLIE: nah

BETH: tag, moar arm stuff

PEYTON: imma save you

BOSS&HUG: oh will you

NATTIEBETH: hey maybe don’t

IICONICS: aaaaaaaaaaaaand now Bayley’s in peril

BAYLEY: guess so

IICONICS: doublekick and pose

RENEE: that’s not doing anything

BEAR: this is wrasslin, Renee

PEYTON: hey Niamina, wanna tag

NIAMINA: nah

PEYTON: why tho

NIAMINA: because

BAYLEY: hey Sasha, wanna tag

BETH: nah

SASHA: UM

BETH: have womanbeef

TAMINA: you rang

BETH: I in fact did, have a spear through the wall

TAMINA: yowch

PEYTON: hey Beth have slaps for some reason

BETH: you dun goofed, glamslam, pin

PEYTON: k

BOSS&HUG: cool but we got belts

NATTIEBETH: yeah but we’ll get em at Mania

suddenly a limo, here’s DAVE

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

DAVE points at tron, tron shows him beating HHH a ton

DAVE: kiss it HHH

BEAR: perfect

here’s ELIAS, he’s at Mania’s stadium

ELIAS: buncha folks gonna cheer for me at Mania, everyone but me sucks

JINDER and APOLLO gonna fight, Andre folks all at ringside

JINDER: offense, rest holds

APOLLO: also offense, pin

JINDER: k

APOLLO: hey Andre folks, wanna brawl

ANDRE FOLKS: yep

they in fact do, APOLLO’s last standing

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: last Raw ever, thanks universe

UNIVERSE: THANKS KURT

RING GUY: Kurt’s career’s on the tron

it in fact is, KURT cries, suddenly BARON

BARON: Kurt’s old, I’m not, universe sucks, imma win at Mania

KURT: k but fight me now tho

BARON: sure

KURT: really

BARON: pshhh nah

suddenly booyakas

REY: cool then imma fight Baron

BARON: very nah but cheapshot

KURT: an idiot says what

BARON: what

KURT: facepunches, angle slam

BARON: ow, bye

CHARLY: hey Charlotte, Mania winner gets all the belts, how bout that

CHARLOTTE: I beat Asuka, imma win at Mania

CHARLY: beating up The Man or Ronda tonite means you’re out of Mania, how bout that

CHARLOTTE: imma just beat em up after

time for BLACKOCHET vs. REVIVAL for the tag belts

BLACK: offense, punch fake

DASH: have offense tho

DAWSON: tag, likewise

BLACK: facekickrollypin

DASH: nah

RICOCHET: tag, rest holds

DASH: you usually zoom

RICOCHET: mixin it up

DAWSON: rest holds tho

DASH: likewise

RICOCHET: nah

BLACK: tag, pin

DASH: nah, have the floor, be in peril

BLACK: k

rest holds ensue til

RICOCHET: tag, now imma zoom, rollypin

DASH: nah

DAWSON: cheapshot

DASH: pin

RICOCHET: still nah

DASH: hey Dawson, wanna tag

BLACK: he doesn’t

REVIVAL: die

RICOCHET: cool but imma jump on ya

DASH: imma get in the ring

RICOCHET: me too

DAWSON: nah

REF: ten

BLACK: very nah, black masses

RICOCHET: and 630

here’s RONDA literally shadowboxing

CHARLY: hey Ronda-

RONDA: not gonna talk but imma win at Mania and maybe beat up The Man and Charlotte tonite if they provoke me

BEAR: that’s lotsa not talking

here’s BLISS and EC3 and oh hey also BREEZE

BLISS: hey Breeze aren’t I awesome

BREEZE: yep also SNL guys are cool

EC3: yep

BRAUN: hi

BREEZE, EC3: um those jobbers like SNL guys

BRAUN: imma give em hands tonite

CHARLY: hey Roman, people say you’re not , how bout that

ROMAN: see but I am tho

DREW kills ROMAN

DREW: how bout now

ROMAN: welp

CHARLY: hey The Man-

THE MAN: Charlotte’s beatable, Ronnie’s shook, imma win at Mania

time for Mania main eventers to fight RIOTTS

CHARLOTTE: cool imma start, woochops to Ruby

THE MAN: tag tho

CHARLOTTE: um

RUBY: run away

THE MAN: yay

RUBY: be in peril

THE MAN: aww

rest holds ensue til

THE MAN: imma rally, have kicks and bexploders and pin

LIV: nah, rollypin

THE MAN: nah, will someone tag

CHARLOTTE: k

RONDA: nah

CHARLOTTE: UM

RONDA: armbar

LIV: k

RONDA: can we brawl now

THE MAN, CHARLOTTE: k

they in fact do, suddenly COPS

COPS: hey maybe don’t

RONDA: k but I will

COPS: nah, have cuffs

THE MAN: also kicks

COPS: nah, more cuffs

CHARLOTTE: you don’t say

COPS: nah, even more cuffs, get in our cars

THE MAN, RONDA, CHARLOTTE: we got legs tho

unabridgeable kickycrashy chaos ensues

here’s HEAVIES vs. GABLEROODE, it happens, suddenly LACEY

LACEY: hi

UNIVERSE: yawn

moar match happens til

OTIS: pin

GABLE: k

BEAR: yawn

BBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

BRAUN: hi jobbers

JOBBERS: um

BRAUN: want some hands

JOBBERS: nah

BRAUN: don’t care, have em

a large amount of beef ensues til

BRAUN: doublepin

JOBBERS: k

here’s BOBLIO

CHARLY: hey Bob, you lost last week, how bout that

LIO: Finn didn’t pin Bob, Bob’s gonna win at Mania

CHARLY: DemonFinn might be at Mania tho, how bout that

BOB: DemonFinn’s not scary

FINN’s on the tron

FINN: DemonFinn’s gonna win at Mania

suddenly DEMONFINN’s on the tron

DEMONFINN: imma stick out my tongue

BEAR: truly terrifying

suddenly booyakas

REY: hey Baron let’s fight

BARON: but I am very big

REY: but I am very zoom

BARON: imma powerbomb ya

REY: nah, have the floor

BARON: have a facepunch

REY: is it face in peril time

it’s face in peril time

REY: sleeper tho

BARON: nah, have a spear

REY: nah, zoomyflippypin

BARON: nah

REY: cool, 619, imma jump

BARON: imma dodge

PICCOLO: Go-

GOHAN: YES I FREAKING SAW

BARON: deep six, pin

REY: k

suddenly KURT

KURT: angle lock

BARON: very nah

COLE: Mania main event’s still arrested tho