Like the now months-long program it’s a part of, debate about whether the wedding of Lana & Bobby Lashley in the main event of the Dec. 30 Raw was so-bad-it’s-good or just plain terrible will continue for a long time.
Personally, I’m right with my man Alex when he says “I don’t know. They’ve broken me.” Still, this trainwreck must be documented. Future generations have to know about this thing.
So here, to the best of my abilities, is a list of all the way wedding of Lana & Bobby Lashley was a (glorious?) disaster:
- It gave Jerry Lawler an excuse to re-use his copious “I’m bad at marriage” and “women are crazy” jokes.
- The chairs on the stage, presumably for guests, which were never used.
- The “what if Bill Belichick was a game show host’ looking officiant.
- Said officiant welcoming us to “the beautiful wedding of Bobby Lashley and Lana”.
- Lashley being introduced with his WWE-given nickname, and entering to his usual theme music.
- His no shirt, sleeveless tux look.
- Lana being introduced with her WWE-given nickname, but not entering to her usual theme music.
- Her make-up being done in a way that made it unclear if those were her cheeks or if she was wearing Mr. Monopoly mask (or an fsociety one, for my Mr. Robot peeps out there).
- So we’re clear, we’re only five minutes into this 25 minute segment now.
- The TOTALLY NOT SUSPICIOUS giant cake that was the biggest thing in the ring.
- How uncomfortably long they played it straight and allowed The Right Reverend Wink Belichick to read a legitimate sounding wedding spiel.
- Until he mentioned children, which gave the an opportunity to awkwardly get some cheap heat by slamming the women of Hartford, Connecticut as “wannabe Lanas”.
- And also set Pastor Hoodie up to repeatedly try to dissuade Bobby from marrying the unpleasant person in white with them in the ring.
- The woman who was introduced as The Ravishing Russian slipping into her Russian accent for the first and only time to yell “THIS IS NOT ABOUT RUSEV!” in response to a ”Rusev Day” chant.
- How they resumed playing it like a real wedding for an uncomfortably long time after that.
- Briggs was also right when he pointed out that Lana’s narcissistic vows were unironically good work, but we still got inelegant moments like saying no woman will compare to her because “not even her small little pinky will compare to my charisma of everything”.
- Lashley holding Lana’s bouquet for much of the ceremony because she couldn’t hold it and get the mic back into the stand so she could yell “LANA DAY” at the audience.
- The way that, after declaring she wanted to jump on top of him and make love to him “right here, right now”, Lana proceeded to awkwardly kiss Lashley’s upper lip and chin in order to avoid having to even pretend to use her tongue.
- How Lana exited that kiss with Bobby’s brown foundation make-up running in a line from the middle of her forehead to her chin.
- So we’re clear, we’re only 10 minutes into this 25 minute segment now.
- Lashley low key trying to explain to Lana how badly she needed to get his foundation off her face repeatedly for the next several minutes.
- Bobby reaching inside his vest to get the ring, even as the emcee was handing it to him.
- Said emcee instructing the groom to repeat after him, “as this finger encircles your finger”.
- How they again went back to portraying an actual wedding for an uncomfortably long time after that, until Lana cut off the ring spiel.
- The officiant saying “oh boy” before getting to the objections portion.
- That the objections portion came after the ring exchange.
- How “Lana’s first husband” (played by EJ Risk of Create-A-Pro Wrestling) was the best actor in the whole production. He also sold the hell out of Lashley’s choke slam.
- Hartford not biting on “Lashley’s first wife” (played by former Raw and SmackDown enhancement talent Karissa Rivera) trying to get a “NO!” chant started.
- The crickets she got in general before the “Jerry” chant started.
- Lana’s stiff shots (to all the women who interrupted her big day).
- Weeks of arguing over whether Liv Morgan would return as Emmalina or Sister Abigail culminating in her playing Mickie James to Lana’s Trish Stratus.
- The impromptu bra-and-panties match that followed, which included the use of potted flowers as a weapon, and what looked like Liv giving Lana a receipt for some of those aforementioned stiff shots.
- Rusev’s failed first attempt to throw the cake top while revealing himself.
- Rusev’s bow tie.
- “HELLO WIFE! HELLO!”
- Okay, at least those last two were indisputably glorious.
- That the last Raw of the decade ended with a future Mixed Match Challenge team consisting of the spurned lovers of a bisexual egomaniac standing tall.
That’s my best effort.
Were you sports entertained? Embarrassed? Both?