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That episode of Raw made no damn sense

My head hurts. I don’t even know where to start. There were so many things on last night’s (Sept. 3) episode of Raw that made no sense.

Raw kicked off with Braun Strowman explaining why Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre are his new buddies. I should have known it would be an extremely bizarre night after Dolph Ziggler’s bold proclamation that this new alliance would be even more dominant than the Nation of Domination. You’re really going out on a limb there, huh Dolph?

The Shield made their entrance and stormed the ring looking for a fight. Baron Corbin sent out a bunch of jabronis to prevent this brawl from happening, and for some reason Finn Balor was one of the jabronis following Corbin’s orders and getting beat up by Dean Ambrose. That’s completely absurd; it makes no sense for Finn Balor to follow orders from Baron Corbin considering their ongoing feud. And Balor was actually the first guy running down to the ring during the second wave of locker room fodder! Unbelievable.

Then we return from commercial and The Shield has been arrested, placed in a police vehicle, and driven away. Baron Corbin is talking amidst the chaos but it’s hard to understand what he’s saying, so it’s not clear why The Shield is being treated like this. All they really did was walk to the ring and defend themselves from a bunch of angry aggressive dudes from the locker room hell-bent on taking them out.

Back in the arena the Bella Twins are wrestling as a team on the Raw brand even though Brie has a SmackDown match at Hell in a Cell and Nikki was a SmackDown superstar the last time we saw her compete on television. That doesn’t really make sense.

Oh, what’s this, Chad Gable is in a new tag team with Bobby Roode? Hmm, that seems random. Gable basks in the glory of Roode’s entrance and then mostly kicks The Ascension’s ass by himself, while Roode is cheering Gable on from the sidelines like a proud father. This whole thing seemed kinda surreal but it was at least a reminder of how awesome Chad Gable is at the whole pro wrestling thing.

We get an 8:57 PM EDT update on The Shield. They are at the precinct and have been processed and finger printed. Renee Young is bewildered and states she doesn’t understand why The Shield has been arrested. (Hint: It’s because none of this makes sense!)

Baron Corbin hands some random guy a Rolex while Dolph Ziggler figures out that the best way to get a tag title shot in WWE is to wait for a different team to earn the opportunity, and then just kick that team’s ass and take their spot in the match. Even though that makes no sense, Dolph’s plan works and we now have new tag champs. Ok then.

Dolph and Drew walk out with the tag titles and then we immediately see the Authors of Pain walking backstage alongside DRAKE MAVERICK in matching attire. 205 Live’s babyface general manager is apparently now going to spend Monday nights being a heel manager for Authors of Pain. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

A little bit later HBK comes out and talks about how Triple H is going to prevail over Undertaker at Super Show-Down on October 6 because The Game has way more left in the tank than the Dead Man. I guess HBK wasn’t paying attention to WWE back in April when Undertaker squashed John Cena at WrestleMania 34, only for Cena to then defeat Triple H in Saudi Arabia a few weeks later. HB-Shizzle’s logic simply doesn’t make any sense. Ultimately a segment that I thought was supposed to hype up a match between Taker and HHH actually ends up getting me far more excited for a potential HBK return at WrestleMania 35.

We get a 9:54 PM EDT update on The Shield, who have appeared in front of a judge and charged with inciting a riot, criminal damage, and disorderly conduct. Wait a minute, you’re trying to tell me that on a holiday night it’s even remotely plausible for all of this to happen in less than two hours? Are you kidding me?

I don’t understand why Ember Moon is teaming up with Dana Brooke. I also don’t know why WWE continues to put Bobby Lashley in these silly non-wrestling segments.

Lashley is in the ring to do meditation with Jinder Mahal. Lashley trolls him a bit with the “My man!” stuff and WHY IS KEVIN OWENS RETURNING TO RAW ONE WEEK AFTER QUITTING AND WHY IS HE DOING IT DURING A STUPID MEDITATION SEGMENT IN A GARBAGE TIME SLOT. WTF?!

I seriously need some time to clear my head after the sheer lunacy of what I just witnessed, but I can’t find the time for it because The Shield has just posted bail and has also been released on their own recognizance. Is it even possible for those two things to go together like that?

Fast forward to Braun Strowman beating Finn Balor with a crappy powerslam that didn’t even require a running start, and I’m still fuming about KO’s pointless return when police sirens go off. Oh boy. Of course that police vehicle from before backs into the arena, and Roman Reigns is driving it. Hold on a minute, these guys posted bail, were released on their own recognizance...and then stole a police van? How the hell does this make any sense?? I think this one actually tops the list of all the things that made no sense on this episode. And no, I still haven’t forgotten about Kevin Owens missing zero episodes of Raw even though he quit.

Anyway, The Shield charge the ring looking for revenge, and for some reason every heel in the locker room comes out and kicks their ass. Is WWE is building up to a 3 vs. 20 Doomsday Hell in a Cell match on Sept. 16 or something? Why is 205 Live’s Drew Gulak out there taking part in this assault and talking trash to Roman Reigns, you ask? Because he’s a heel, duh! Why is Mike Kanellis so happy while standing over Dean Ambrose’s corpse? Because he’s a heel, duh! Why is Kevin F’N Owens out there assisting his hated rival Braun Strowman in this well-orchestrated diabolical plot? Because he’s a heel, duh!

Why is Braun Strowman using his Money in the Bank contract in an honorable way, or as he put it, not taking the cowardly way out...but then masterminding a cowardly beatdown on the champion by a hilariously overloaded 20-Man League of Evil, and trying to maim the champ with steel steps? Don’t think so hard, just go with it, ok?

This makes no sense. None of this made any damn sense.

This was one of those nights where being a fan of WWE really sapped the life out of me. I’ll take ghost penises all night long over this poor excuse for story-telling.

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