Did you hear that high-pitched sound? Yeah, that was me squealing from Memphis when I heard Trish’s music hit.
I’m getting ahead of myself, of course. Elias started off the final hour of the show with an in-ring segment and did his usual thing. He curried favor with the crowd before turning on Toronto and bashing their city via Drake lyrics.
Trish Stratus, of course, wasn’t going to let anyone trash talk her hometown. She interrupted Elias’ segment and Toronto blew the roof off the joint.
AHHHHHHH!
Okay, okay. What was so brilliant about Stratus’ segment with Elias is that they allowed Elias to flirt with some questionable subjects. When Trish said she was going to have a match at Evolution, Elias mentioned that he hoped it’d be one of the old Divas gimmick matches.
He basically became every Attitude Era male wrestler for 3 minutes, essentially. Trish wasn’t pleased.
Stratus roasted him by pointing out that he’d never win a WWE title in his lifetime, slapped the taste out of his mouth when he cracked a joke about his age, and sent him scurrying away.
This was perfection. It’s also a fantastic way to show how this show has – wait for it – evolved.
What followed was a nothing match between Natalya and Alicia Fox which was just an excuse to give Alexa Bliss a chance to run her mouth, so focus on the positives, folks.
Speaking of perfection
If Stratus’ return was an exemplary look at how to book a return, Seth Rollins’ match with Kevin Owens for the Intercontinental Championship was a look at how to book an actual feud.
Seriously, it was perfection in three parts.
First part? Kevin Owens made his return after an embarrassing match at SummerSlam with Braun Strowman and made the stakes clear. When he was on SmackDown, he hated everything. He hated the management, the roster – all of it. He dreamed of being on Raw, but he’s finding out that the grass isn’t always greener.
He needs a championship. And he vowed that he would not leave Toronto without one.
Part two? The match. It was nuts. Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins are insane, but you already knew that. From Owens’ Stunner and Moonsault attempt, to Rollins’ chain wrestling and dives outside the ring, this whole match was a clinic on how to burn it down in 2018. Take notes, class.
The third part was after the finish. Rollins won when Owens’ Moonsault missed, leading to a Blackout for the victory. The show went to commercial break, but when we came back, Owens was sitting in a chair, microphone in hand and said two words.
“I quit.”
Intrigue! Mystery! A way to keep us tuned in for next week! That’s great!
(But does it really surprise you that Owens can weave an engaging story so effectively?)
Braun’s got backup
I was bitching to a friend earlier that I hate most “shades of grey” booking in WWE. It usually comes off so poorly that it’s not even worth doing, you know?
Well, I don’t have to worry about that with this Strowman vs. Reigns feud any longer.
In my review last week, I said that all the folks hoping to succeed on Raw would now need backup. Strowman’s the first person to find said backup.
I’m happy enough with the two men Strowman found: Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre. Only problem?
EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.
Like...okay. Strowman’s looked pathetic for a while now – welcome to being Mr. Money in the Bank, dude! - but this was on another level. Reigns challenged him at the start of the show to be a man and cash in to his face. Strowman declined, citing the fact that he couldn’t trust the Shield at ringside. Instead, he’ll cash in at Hell in a Cell.
Yeah, okay. Because that would keep the Shield out. Good thinking.
Before the main event, Strowman gave up his Money in the Bank contract to Corbin. Why? Why the f*** would you do that if you know the fix is in?! Hell, why would you ever let that contract get out of your possession?!
Braun Strowman could have become WWE Universal Champion on this show if he had kept that briefcase. WWE did what they could to make it seem like the pairing was spur of the moment but it’s still a horrendous oversight in storytelling.
And then the match itself. The crowd’s still booing Reigns so it’s not like they give a damn that he’s getting beaten silly. Poor booking. Strowman’s turn fell flat because, again, it’s against Reigns. And then the Shield ran in one at a time to get picked off like idiots instead of working as a group like last week.
This was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen...well, since the first match of this show. Doesn’t mean the feud can’t be good later, but my word.
Really?!
The Rest of the Show
GM Baron Corbin cheats, restarts match, def. Finn Balor – I had to scratch my first recap of this match because it was essentially just curse words. The feud no one wanted is back and life is an endless pit of pain. Eat Arby’s.
Sasha Banks def. Dana Brooke – I liked this. We’re getting our first look at dissenting opinions between Apollo Crews and Titus O’Neil. Apollo was hoping that Brooke could get a “warm up” match against local talent for her first televised match in nine months and O’Neil ended up getting her booked against Banks.
Whoops. Guess who won? It’s fun watching Brooke wrestle, though!
Dean Ambrose picks a fight with Jinder Mahal backstage, wins - Why would you ever try to teach Ambrose to find inner peace, Jinder? Ambrose told him off, got booked in a match, and won later in the show.
The “Old Era” guys weigh in on Undertaker vs. Triple H – Yawn.
The Revival def. B Team – Oof. No pop for the B Team and a pop for the Revival’s promo after defeating them. The bell tolls for thee, B Team.
Bobby Lashley’s best segment ever – Okay I’m 100% on board sarcastic Bobby Lashley. Full steam ahead. Him slapping Corbin and flashing a fake grin was fantastic. He then beat the Ascension because Corbin’s a jerk and booked him in a handicap.
Bellas are Back – After Natalya’s match, the trio of Nattie, Trish, and Ronda ran into the Bellas backstage. The Bella twins have a match next week.
So by my count, WWE did well with Trish Stratus’ surprise return and a match between two of the most talented wrestlers in the world: Rollins and Owens. So honestly, they didn’t do much at all.
This show sucked. Trish rocks, though.
Grade: D
Someone post something nice.