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With WrestleMania 34 all set to invade the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana this coming Sun., April 8, 2018, live on pay-per-view (PPV) and the WWE Network, it's time to go about making predictions for the biggest show of the year. The match card is filled out and our staff of learned blowhards will give their best guess on who is going to emerge victorious this weekend.
But instead of doing this all in one post and giving you a wall of text and 5,000 words to read through, we'll give the top matches their own post, then cover the undercard.
Got it? Good.
Let’s go:
UNDERCARD (PART 2)
CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN & MYSTERY PARTNER
Geno Mrosko: This is interesting because you would think Strowman’s push dictates winning this match, no matter who his mystery partner is, but a victory would keep him in the tag team division for a while. He should shoot back up the card sooner rather than later. That could mean losing here. Thankfully, he’ll have a partner to take the pin. Pick: Cesaro & Sheamus
Sean Rueter: Braun smashes, his partner gets pinned. Cesaro and Sheamus’ tag run has been stellar and should get a better send-off than this. Also, yes, I’m a mark for Tony and Sheam-y. Pick: This Bar
Kyle Decker: I love me a good surprise and that has me really excited for this. I’m hoping for James Ellsworth, but they only just released him and he’s scheduling indie dates for May already. Hawkins would be another great choice, though it appears Braun isn’t into his win/loss record. I’d be into Elias and Braun (Monsters Among Music). Big Show would be a good choice as a show of respect after their epic Raw matches. Either way, I think Braun is going to take this, though I can imagine his partner taking the pin and Braun going ham on them. (Can bring in Ellsworth for just that one thing, right?) Pick: Braun and other
Rev. Claire: Braun’s partner could be Curt Hawkins and he’d win this one, right? Like, I’m hoping for somebody like a freshly healed Samoa Joe or a returning Bobby Lashley, but this is all about Braun doing Braun things. Pick: Braun Strowman
Cain A. Knight: It doesn’t matter who Braun’s partner is, WWE has established that he doesn’t need a partner to beat these guys. The idea that Braun Strowman will pin Cesaro at WrestleMania horribly violates everything that I want to see in my pro wrestling, so hopefully Sheamus will eat the pin instead. Or maybe Strowman will murder them both with a garbage truck to get some revenge for what they did to him at TLC. Pick: Strowman & Mystery Partner
Pete Sweeney: The best thing about Braun Strowman being billed with a mystery partner is that he is the only wrestler on the roster that you would say without a doubt, he could win the tag team titles by himself. Just for the reasons we love the Royal Rumble (which is, in essence, 30 mystery partners), I think the element of surprise is a nice bonus day-of treat for wrestling fans. My guess on the partner is Samoa Joe, and he and Strowman win gold silver. Pick: Braun Strowman & Mystery Partner
THE USOS VS. THE NEW DAY VS. THE BLUDGEON BROTHERS
Geno Mrosko: They’ve certainly been building this to The Bludgeon Brothers taking the titles. I worry about how interesting the SmackDown tag team division would be with Harper and Rowan on top. The Usos and The New Day have gone back-and-forth for what feels like forever but they’re all so very good it’s been entertaining the whole way. And the matches have been great. I’m not ready to concede yet. Pick: The Usos
Sean Rueter: Neither the current or former champs really need the belts, and while a win here doesn’t completely ensure they won’t eventually return to Ascension-adjacent status, it helps Harper and Rowan a lot more than it would their opponents. We should also have a Shake-Up or Draft coming to help deal with rematch clauses and other lingering issues. Keep teasing the rivalry between New Day and The Usos for bigger things down the road, and go all in on taking Bray’s former charges seriously. Pick: Bludgeon Brothers
Kyle Decker: The Bludgeons are going to win the titles eventually, but I feel the triple threat is a way to avoid that for a little bit. They could feasibly beat either of these teams one on one and it’ll be an awesome match. But I think defeating (and probably destroying) the New Day will get more heat on the team. Plus a New Day win will continue to pad their “greatest tag team” stats. Pick: The New Day
Rev. Claire: I’m super-invested in the Usos making the main WrestleMania card for the first time in their careers, and I really don’t think you pull the rug out from under them just yet. It’s a three-way, so the Bludgeon Brothers can take New Day out and then bam, lockdown in the Uso Penitentiary. Pick: The Usos
Cain A. Knight: I’ve seen too many times during the Wyatt Family gimmick where Rowan and Harper were treated as a low card team, and so the unstoppable Bludgeon Brothers super push isn’t working for me at all. That being said, I love what Harper can do in the ring and so I think this match should be fantastic, because the Usos and New Day are also top notch workers. This feels like the right time for New Day to finally get a major win on the biggest stage possible. WWE owes them one after booking a loss to the League of Jabronis back at WrestleMania 32. What the hell was that? Pick: New Day
Pete Sweeney: I haven’t been a big fan of the Bludgeon Brothers since they repackaged, while I absolutely love the New Day and the Usos. I think this match is the one that bothers me the most on the card because the New Day and the Usos are the team with the proven staying power, and both teams won’t win. I believe the Bludgeon Brothers, who won’t even exist by the time of next year’s WrestleMania, go over here as WWE continues to try to build them into something they will never be—a legitimate draw. Pick: The Bludgeon Brothers
CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. MUSTAFA ALI
Geno Mrosko: DRAKE MAVERICK for President. Pick: Mustafa Ali
Sean Rueter: Had you told me even a month ago I’d be rooting for someone other than Cedric at ‘Mania, I’d have thought you were crazy. But here we are. As far as predictions go, however, I wonder if WWE isn’t in the same position I’m in. The plan since Enzo’s firing has likely been to push Alexander out of this spot... and I think they still do that. A loss doesn’t negate any of the work Ali’s done, and there are probably more stories for DRAKE MAVERICK’s brand to tell with the heart still beating for another chance while the soul gets its chance at the top. I’m not as excited about it as I would have been a few weeks ago, but especially considering the quality of match we should get regardless, that doesn’t mean it’s still not the right call. Pick: Cedric Alexander
Kyle Decker: I want Mustafa Ali to win. He won me over with his killer promos week after week. But at the same time, I feel Cedric is going to win. He had been screwed out of opportunity time and time again and he’s finally going to take advantage of it here. Pick: Cedric Alexander
Rev. Claire: I’ve watched Ali come from crappy single-camera live feeds of Freelance Wrestling shows all the way to a spot on the grandest stage of them all. Sorry, Cedric, you’re great, but Ali is the guy. Belt him! Pick: Mustafa Ali
Cain A. Knight: This could very well be the most spectacular match of the night, but unfortunately putting it on the pre-show means the necessary atmosphere simply won’t be there for it to steal the show. Pick: Mustafa Ali
Pete Sweeney: Before, the strategy of the Cruiserweight Division was put the whole thing on Enzo Amore. Now it seems the idea is to push the wrestling, which I like. You could make a case that Cedric Alexander and Mustafa Ali are the two most talented cruiserweights on the WWE roster, and I think that’s clearly why they have been gifted with this spot. I expect a fantastic match with Alexander lumbar checking his way to to the title. Pick: Cedric Alexander
ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL
Geno Mrosko: Think of what Woken Matt Hardy would do with the trophy. Pick: Woken Matt Hardy
Sean Rueter: Obviously, this will be used to continue last year’s angle and give Mojo’s buddy something to use in his ongoing negotiations with The Hoodie. Pick: Rob Gronkowski
Kyle Decker: Rusev was my pick but they took him out. The field is pretty pretty pretty underwhelming. Matt Hardy and Dolph Ziggler are the only ones that seem like obvious ones, but neither feel like it. I’m going to say Samoa Joe gets cleared in time and wins this by kicking all sorts of ass. Pick: Samoa Joe
Rev. Claire: So this is where I say hell with it, I wasn’t gonna be 100% right anyway and pick with my heart because this match has too many options. He may claim he’s retired, he may be going into the WWE Hall of Fame, but he’s got a lot more left in the tank, or at least enough to win one last battle royal for a proper send-off. Pick: Mark Henry
Cain A. Knight: This match is on the pre-show, so it’s there to whet the appetite and is not a match where the winner needs to be carefully decided upon for the sake of a future push. We’ve already seen that winning this match doesn’t really have any long-term ramifications. As for who I think WWE will pick, I’m tempted to pick Dolph Ziggler and assume he will walk out on the trophy on the following episode of SmackDown. But giving it to Woken Matt Hardy sounds like a lot more fun. That means Kane will probably win, because Kane ruins everything. Pick: Kane
Pete Sweeney: WWE made Dolph Ziggler win the United States Championship, leave it in the middle of the ring, disappear from television for a month, then (and yes, I remember he was No. 30 in the Royal Rumble) pretty much nothing after that. I think somewhere, somehow, there has to be a payoff, and I think the payoff for the showoff finally comes at WrestleMania 34. Pick: Dolph Ziggler
WRESTLEMANIA WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYAL
Geno Mrosko: I am super looking forward to this because we can’t know what to expect with it. I imagine they’ll use it to devote a big chunk to the Bayley vs. Sasha Banks story, seeing as they couldn’t get a singles match on this card. I imagine they’ll work it until it comes down to the two of them and/or they’ll be in the final three and one will toss the other just as that one tosses the third. But who gets what role? Let’s take a risk here. Pick: Bayley
Sean Rueter: The Boss ‘n’ Hug Connection will be the big story in this one, but a win will be used for something else. Possibly to give a new call-up something to crow about, but I’m thinking it’ll be to hype Asuka’s next victim. Pick: Naomi
Kyle Decker: Unlike the Andre, there are plenty of women who make sense winning this. I think Sasha and Bayley are going to do themselves in with their issues. So I’m going with Straight Fire Becky Lynch, who has looked good as of late on SmackDown. Pick: Becky Lynch
Rev. Claire: So, like, no matter who wins, this is really all about Sasha and Bayley, right? That’s the biggest, best story coming in here. Question is, does it actually come down to them, or is it the kind of situation where they end up eliminating each other and somebody else is able to swoop in and win? Either seems plausible, but given who else is in the match and who’s got matches outside of it, I’m playing this one straight and giving the Boss a big win she can crow about in Bayley’s face for the duration of their feud. Pick: Sasha Banks
Cain A. Knight: I’d love to see Becky win this match, but she never wins on PPV. Maybe Sasha and Bayley will cause each other to be eliminated, leaving the door open for Naomi to win it? Naomi has basically been forgotten for the last 6 months, so that doesn’t seem too likely either. It’s the pre-show though, so I guess it really doesn’t matter. When in doubt, go with the biggest star in the match. Pick: Sasha Banks
Pete Sweeney: With there being no separate match for Bayley and Sasha Banks, the battle royal is the picture perfect opportunity for one of those WrestleMania moments: Bayley and Banks eliminate everybody else leading to a stare down as 76,000 fans loudly cheer. At that moment, they brawl, and Bayley puts aside her friendly ways for what she has needed for far too long: ruthless aggression. Banks over the top, and a historic win for the hugger. Pick: Bayley
That’s what we think. What about you?