WrestleMania 34 predictions: John Cena vs. Undertaker (because it’s totally happening)

With WrestleMania 34 all set to invade the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana this coming Sun., April 8, 2018, live on pay-per-view (PPV) and the WWE Network, it's time to go about making predictions for the biggest show of the year. The match card is filled out and our staff of learned blowhards will give their best guess on who is going to emerge victorious this weekend.

But instead of doing this all in one post and giving you a wall of text and 5,000 words to read through, we'll give the top matches their own post, then cover the undercard.

Got it? Good.

Let’s go:

JOHN CENA VS. UNDERTAKER

Quick note: This match isn’t “officially” scheduled but WWE has all but made it clear it’s happening. After all, they wouldn’t go to the lengths they have and never deliver on it. It’s happening.

Geno Mrosko: I’m actually hugely intrigued by this match because I can find any number of reasons to book either guy to go over. They waited a little too long to put this together, however, so I’m not sure the result even matters. Cena isn’t going anywhere — he’ll be wrestling Triple H in a high profile bout at Greatest Royal Rumble later this month — and Undertaker could very well appear at that same event. They made this for the spectacle, so expect that and not much more. I really don’t know who wins. I guess the safe assumption is the younger guy who we know isn’t retiring just yet. Pick: John Cena

Sean Rueter: Working under the assumption this will be Taker’s last match (until Vince convinces him to return next year for another one), going out in a way that helps the business and the company would be important to him. They’ve crafted a story here where his winning does more for both by creating a possibly all-time great story for Cena’s pursuit of a record-breaking 17th WWE World title. Let Mark Calaway/The Dead Man/ The American Bad Ass ride off into the sunset with his fist not only held high, but raised in victory, and leave John searching for his mojo... in between promotional appearances for Bumblebee... en route to breaking Ric Flair’s record at WrestleMania 35. Pick: Undertaker

Kyle Decker: Normally I’d say Undertaker goes out on his back, but he did that last year. John Cena doesn’t need the win and Undertaker deserves it after coming back so often to give the fans another match. And the way John Cena has been acting like a spoiled brat to get this match, the story would dictate that he doesn’t really deserve to win it. Hell, maybe this isn’t even his last match given the build was all about John Cena and Undertaker was never there for it. Pick: Undertaker

Rev. Claire: “The 3 in 23-3” isn’t super catchy, but... No, hold up, this is WrestleMania, I can’t skimp out here. When Cena talks about all the fans that Taker was letting down not responding to them, I’m one of ‘em. It started when I was a little girl and he left me scared out of my wits because I thought zipping jobbers up in body bags meant they were really dead, and after my long, long break from wrestling, one of the things that brought me back was reading about him wrestling a whole Elimination Chamber match in 2010 with his chest and neck burnt due to misfired pyrotechnics and thinking “holy hell he’s still going I should watch again.” So as long as he wants to keep coming back, broken down or not, I’ll always be happy to have him, because in a very real sense without the Undertaker I’d have never found the fulfillment I’ve found in watching and writing about pro wrestling. But the fact is Father Time hasn’t just knocked on his door, he’s busted it down, and there’s frankly no longer any reason for John Cena to not beat him here. Pick: John Cena

Cain A. Knight: This match needed to happen when Cena was in his prime and the streak still existed, but instead we are getting a story where John Cena has lost his spot and is also losing his mind because Undertaker is ignoring him. I am not really all that concerned with Undertaker’s capabilities in this match; Cena is the one with a bunch of poor performances over the last 8 months while Undertaker has been resting up. This storyline doesn’t seem to be worthy of Undertaker’s retirement, so I’m giving this one to the Dead Man and will assume that WWE finds a more suitable final story for him either next year or the year after that (or the year after that...). Pick: Undertaker

Pete Sweeney: I have seen and heard a lot of griping that this is happening way too late, and though that may be true, as a wrestling follower, fan and writer, I’m just happy it’s happening. We assumed we saw the final bow for the Undertaker last year, but I think he probably is itching for a better final performance. I have read too many times about the Undertaker being a wrestling business-first guy to think he wins against John Cena, even if Cena is now officially a part-timer. Pick: John Cena

That’s what we think. What about you?