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WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Mar. 5, 2018) from the BMO Harris Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, featuring all the latest build to the WrestleMania 34 pay-per-view (PPV) extravaganza set for early next month in New Orleans.
Advertised for tonight: Asuka puts her streak on the line against Nia Jax, and more!
Come right back here at 8 p.m. ET when the Raw live blog kicks off once the show starts on USA. It will be below this line here. (REMINDER: NO GIFS OR PICS ARE ALLOWED IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. OFFENDERS WILL BE BANNED.)
WWE RAW RESULTS AND LIVE BLOG FOR MAR. 5
You take a mortal man, and put him in control. Watch him become a god, watch peoples heads a’roll... a’roll... Just like the Pied Piper led rats through the streets, I’m here to liveblog this pro wrestling show for you, folks.
The show opens with Kurt Angle making his entrance.
He wants to get serious for a second to start, talking about how he’s had to swallow his pride multiple times, and as Stephanie Man (as he said it) taught him, as manager, you have to do what’s best for business. But last week Triple H went too far when he sucker punched him in the face, so he’s not gonna just pretend like everything’s okay. He doesn’t care if HHH is COO, he wants him to come out right now and face him like a man.
Enter Stephanie McMahon. She tells Angle to calm down and says Triple isn’t even here yet. She reminds Kurt of his four (five) kids and he admits his youngest is one, at which point she twists the knife talking about his little girl’s beautiful blue eyes and how he wants to buy her everything and since he’s remarried his alimony payment has to be pretty steep, so...
She switches tactics and tries putting him over, reminding him that he’s one of not many Olympic gold medalists and he won that medal with a broken neck. She mentions his Hall of Fame status and his four WWE Championship reigns before getting to the point and asking if they pay the bills. She provides her own answer and says they don’t but being GM does, so he should think about it for a second.
It’s not like Hunter wasn’t provoked last week. Angle ruined the biggest contract signing in WWE history and got Triple put through a table. She wants to take a pause and get on the same page and get him to know his role and think of the possibilities and not let his ego get in the way.
Before he can answer, Ronda Rousey comes out. She slaps hands with a bunch of fans on her way in and Steph points out she missed somebody, but Ronda tells whoever it is that she’ll get them. She says what they did to Kurt last week was very enlightening and she’s starting to realize that the people that got here aren’t who she thought they are.
But that’s fine, she’s dealt with bully bosses her whole career and she’ll take care of it her own way. McMahon says she gets it, lots of people don’t understand but they just have to take their orders and do what they’re told. She reminds Rousey that she signed a WWE contract and that makes her part of WWE, and part of a part that Stephanie oversees.
Steph lays it in thicker, saying they’re giving Ronda her dream, her WrestleMania moment, her debut match on the grandest stage of them all and it doesn’t get better than that. Rousey says she’s thankful for that and asks if her contract does say that she gets to pick her opponent. Steph confirms, with the caveats that it can’t be a champion and it has to be a member of the active roster.
Ronda gets ready to announce it but Steph cuts her off and asks for a drum roll, which leads to Ronda telling her she wants her at WrestleMania. McMahon tries to protest she’s not a member of the active roster--
(Behold the king!)
HHH comes down and says this isn’t happening and Angle has to stop pretending to be a tough guy and do his job. He says she’s an executive, the commissioner, and Kurt points out that Hunter wasn’t supposed to be here. Triple tries to play it off like a surprise and Angle admits he’s right, Stephanie is a WWE executive and she has a contract that says that...
But she also has a second contract, as a WWE Superstar, and he makes the matches, so Stephanie WILL be facing Ronda Rousey at WrestleMania! Kurt says that’s not it, he knows somebody else with a second contract, HHH. And he said after Survivor Series that he ever attacks him again, he’s coming for him, so if Ronda’s okay with it, he’s gonna make it a mixed tag, McMahon & HHH vs. Rousey... and himself!
Steph looks shocked and starts jawing and pointing without even using the mic. She goes to slap Kurt but Ronda catches her hand and stares at her face! Hunter hops in the ring and breaks it up and begs off saying it doesn’t need to go down this way... HE ATTACKS ANGLE! ANGLE PUNCHES BACK AND TAKES HHH DOWN INTO THE ANKLE LOCK! Hunter kicks him into the turnbuckles... STEPHANIE ATTACKS ROUSEY FROM BEHIND WITH A FOREARM!
McMahon beats feat to get away as quickly as possible after her forearm strike did so little, and Ronda lets her run off into the crowd, turning to face Triple. Hunter goes for the kick to the gut on Angle and the Pedigree but he reverses into the ankle lock! Stephanie saves her husband... AND RONDA PULLS HER UP ONTO THE APRON AND IN THE RING!
McMahon begs off but Rousey drags her up, fireman’s carry...Samoan drop! Angle and Rousey head off together and stand tall on the stage as Triple H begins to collect himself and referees tend to Stephanie.
Commentary informs us that John Cena will be cutting a promo later and hypes up Asuka vs. Nia Jax for later in the show as well.
Referees John Cone and Shawn Bennett help Stephanie McMahon and HHH up in the ring as we go to break.
Back from commercial, commentary puts over the match we just saw made.
Asuka vs. Nia Jax
Circling, Asuka ducks, strike rush, Jax puts her in the corner and clobbers her with a pair of body avalanches and a running hip attack. A headbutt, a big biel sends Asuka under the bottom rope and she falls to the floor as we go backstage with an interview with Alexa Bliss and Mickie James because WWE hates livebloggers, I suppose.
Alexa says she thinks tonight is Nia’s night and Asuka’s luck is going to run out. Meanwhile, Asuka mounts a comeback, off the ropes, tilt-a-whirl into an armbar but Jax counters it with a backbreaker! Capture lift, the Empress of Tomorrow turns it into an octopus hold! Switching to a sunset flip, Nia drags her up and shoves her in the corner, earning a warning from referee Dan Engler.
Asuka with kicks as Jax closes but she puts boots to her in turn. Short whip, Asuka pops up into the turnbuckles but Nia cuts her off with a forearm and follows it up with a spinning inverted crucifix powerbomb to send us to break!
Back from commercial, Nia has a cobra clutch locked in and is wrenching Asuka around in it. She breaks loose with kicks, sliding knee into a cover, only a nearfall! Jax takes her into the corner and throws her out of it nonchalantly before freight training her over! Cover only good for two, fireman’s carry, Asuka out with elbows, off the ropes, Samoan drop works on the second try... NOT ENOUGH!
Drawing her up, another fireman’s carry, into the military press drop! Off the ropes, leg drop only hits mat as the Empress of Tomorrow rolls out of the way. When Jax comes over to try something else, Asuka locks the cross armbar on! Nia posts to her knees, shift to the triangle, to her feet for the powerbomb... ASUKA KEEPS THE TRIANGLE CHOKE ON! Jax again lifts her up, buckle bomb, another... ASUKA WILL NOT LET GO!
Nia starting to flag, trying not to fail, to her feet again, into the top rope but Asuka slingshots around and goes back to the armbar! Wrenching back, Jax refuses to tap at first but eventually...
Asuka wins by submission with a cross armbar.
Post-match, Nia remains in the ring, having trouble getting herself together with a busted wing, but she eventually gets to her feet and leaves.
Commentary hypes up Cena’s appearance again and we go to break.
Back from commercial commentary reminds us that Chloe x Halle will be performing America the Beautiful at WrestleMania.
The Bar (Cesaro & Sheamus) vs. the Revival (Dash Wilder & Scott Dawson)
Dawson and Sheamus to start, collar and elbow to a go behind, Sheamus reverses to a side headlock, takeover, reversed, back again, grinding his forearm in Scott’s face, shot off, shoulder block, and the Celtic Warrior poses. Into the corner, tag to Cesaro, double boots to the midsection, quick tag back, Sheamus with a punch before dumping Dawson to the apron for the Beats of the Bodhran.
He fends Dash off but Dawson turns it around on him, chops and forearms, Stunner over the top rope! Back in, Sheamus going for White Noise but Scott gets out and tags Wilder in. Sheamus gets away after a double team, tag to Cesaro, quick tag from the Revival, double team gourdbuster, only good for two! The Bar head outside for a breather and we go to break.
Back from commercial, Dawson tries and fails to deny Sheamus a tag and ends up Demolition Decapitated for his trouble, but it’s only good for two. Quick tag back, boot to the face from the Celtic Warrior, cover good for one, Scott gets a jawbreaker off and tags Dash in. He kicks Sheamus’ leg out of his leg and goes to work on his arm, punching his shoulder over and over and setting it up for stomps when Dawson tags back in.
Cover gets one, Scott grinds his forearm bones on the Celtic Warrior’s shoulder with him in the ropes and locks an armbar on after a bit of struggle. Back body drop escape, tag to Cesaro, double leg for Dawson, one for Dash when he comes in, Scott hits a beautiful Arn Anderson DDT... NOPE! Cesaro with the hard whip into an uppercut, tag to Sheamus, he clears the apron, shoulder block, off the ropes with a knee to the face!
Up for White Noise, tag to Cesaro, Wilder running interference Dawson crotches Cesaro on the turnbuckles and takes care of Sheamus, tag to Wilder, up for it... SUPERPLEX INTO A SPLASH ONLY GETS TWO! Dawson tags back in, Sheamus Brogue Kicks Wilder, Scott gets a back suplex on him in turn but Cesaro’s right on him...
The Bar win by pinfall with a Gotch Neutralizer from Cesaro on Scott Dawson.
Commentary hypes up our proceedings for the rest of the night before tossing to a video package promoting a movie called The Strangers that sends us to break.
Back from commercial, John Cena makes his entrance.
He says he’s here tonight on Monday Night Raw to talk to everyone about SmackDown. He understands it’s a difficult subject and that some won’t want to hear what he has to say, but Kurt Angle gave him time to speak about it because he recognizes how important Fastlane is. Why not just do this on SmackDown? It’s not that easy.
At Fastlane, there will be a six-pack challenge for the WWE Championship, and what he has to say tonight would get him interrupted if the other five men in it were in the arena. This Sunday, a record that has stood for nearly twenty years will be broken. He knows people don’t like it but the truth is brutal and it will happen. This Sunday at Fastlane, he’ll win the WWE Championship for the 17th time!
But records are meant to be broken and this is his only road to WrestleMania. The past few weeks he’s been criticized for having everything handed to him and holding everyone back, but he says he wasn’t given success, he was given a chance. And with that chance, he earned the opportunity by beating AJ Styles in the ring, 1-2-3. And despite it all, he’s never been the guy to hold anyone back.
When he wins, the critics will say he robbed AJ Styles of his WrestleMania moment. No, no, no, he’s encouraging AJ Styles to make a greater WrestleMania moment by using his rematch clause and setting up a triple threat for the WWE Championship. Shinsuke Nakamura vs. John Cena vs. AJ Styles at WrestleMania!
Enter... Goldust? Sure. He says he coulda been a contender, he coulda been somebody instead of a bum, which is what he is and provides the context that it’s from On the Waterfront, 1954. He says Cena is the leading man and he’s always had a dream of sharing the silver screen with someone just like John. The dream of soaking in the spotlight at WrestleMania, and that dream starts with him stopping John Cena from going to WrestleMania.
His dreams have never had that perfect ending story, they’ve all been taken from him, just like that. All of his dreams, the dreams of pretty little rainbows have turned grey and very evil. Cena wants to compete for the title at WrestleMania, that’s his dream, but Goldust is taking control of the screen as his new director for this epic motion picture.
And tonight, John’s dreams will certainly be... (inhale) shattered-- GOLDUST KNOCKS HIM DOWN WITH A SINGLE PUNCH!
WE HAVE TO GO TO BREAK!
Back from commercial and we have a match!
Goldust vs. John Cena
John blocks a lariat, throws some punches but Goldust gets a Manhattan Drop and a forearm off the ropes for a quick cover. Another Manhattan Drop, off the ropes, double lariat lays both men out! Sidestep a charge, another cover, right hands to the side of the head and Goldust gets touchy feely for a moment, which fires Cena up, off the ropes, snap scoop powerslam to counter the shoulder block!
Again down on the mat, rubbing his hands up John’s chest, and again that gets Cena up, he ducks the powerslam this time and grabs a sleeper hold! Goldy breaks with a low blow that referee Chad Patton doesn’t see but it’s not enough to finish the match! John crawling up Goldust, he ducks a lariat, off the ropes, shoulder block, shoulder block, fall-forward Blue Thunder Driver, “You can’t see me!”, Five Knuckle Shuffle, fireman’s carry...
John Cena wins by pinfall with the Attitude Adjustment.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is talking on his phone when Elias rolls up playing his guitar. He says he knows Kurt has had a busy night but he thinks he needs to cancel the Symphony of Destruction match as he understands the ring will be surrounded by musical instruments that shouldn’t be wasted like that. Angle says he’ll consider it and immediately calls the Drifter back to say he’s not cancelling it.
Elias says he’ll be responsible for what he does to Braun then, and Kurt adds a stipulation, saying he better not run off like he did last week, because it’s now Falls Count Anywhere.
Commentary hypes up the 3rd Annual Mizzie Awards and Paul Heyman responding next week, and we toss to Bayley walking backstage to send us to break.
Back from commercial and we get the Hall of Fame induction package for Hillbilly Jim.
Bayley then makes her entrance and is interviewed in the ring ahead of her match. She says the Royal Rumble was every woman for herself and so was the Elimination Chamber, but Sasha Banks... she halts a bit and says it’s hard for her to say--
Enter Absolution. Paige congratulates her on finally growing a backbone and not needing Sasha to changer her diaper anymore. But she says she’s still a stupid little kid who pushed away the only person who cared about her. There’s strength in numbers and life in WWE is a lot easier when you have backup.
Bayley vs. Mandy Rose
Circling, collar and elbow, Bayley with a waistlock, back elbow, leg pick to reverse, cartwheel evasion into a kick and Mandy forces the Hugger into the corner. Collar and elbow again, Bayley with a wristlock, into the armbar, into the ropes, shot off, drop down, Rose counters the leapfrog with a double leg into the corner and a scoop slam into a cover for two.
Into the corner, Bayley with shoulder thrusts, tube man elbow, but Mandy rolls outside to regroup with Absolution and we go to break.
Back from commercial, Mandy has Bayley locked down with a reverse chinlock, wrenching her around a little to sink it tighter. The Hugger fights to her feet, body blows, Rose fires a kick back and follows it with a delayed vertical suplex lift dropped into a forearm to the face! Only good for two, Bayley with some forearms and a backslide, small package, Mandy ducks a lariat and hits a wicked running knee strike... NOPE!
Mounted forearms, another cover, looking for a double leg but Bayley is in the ropes and able to kick her off and pass her around to hit the middle rope Stunner! Double axehandles, Rose ducks one but the Hugger comes off the ropes with a takedown into mounted punches. Smashing her face into the turnbuckles over and over again, Saito suplex follows, Bayley pops up to the second, Sonya Deville runs interference but not enough to stop the diving corkscrew forearm smash!
Gator roll reversed...
Bayley wins by pinfall with a side press.
Absolution jump Bayley right as the bell rings and put boots to her... SASHA BANKS MAKES THE SAVE! She runs Absolution off and raises Bayley’s hand in victory. Bayley accepts that but gives her a little shove and leaves alone.
Commentary hypes up the Symphony of Destruction match for later and tosses to a Women’s History Month vignette about Eunice Kennedy Shriver to send us to break.
Back from commercial we get a recap of the end of Jax/Asuka because Raw is three hours long.
And also because we’re headed backstage with Nia, who is icing her elbow and looking glum when Alexa Bliss and Mickie James roll up. Alexa sends Mickie away and sits down next to Jax, saying she knows she’s unbelievably disappointed that she lost at Elimination Chamber and tonight and isn’t going to WrestleMania. She knows how disappointed she is in herself and says it must be embarrassing but she doesn’t want Nia to feel like a failure.
She tells Jax she has friends and even though she’s not on the WrestleMania card she knows she will be next year and shouldn’t be ashamed. She should be proud of everything she’s accomplished in such a short time, and look at what she’s overcome. Her entire life she’s been an outcast, bullied and scorned because she’s so much bigger than the other kids.
Even now Bliss sees how people look at Jax in the airport and says she can’t let this keep her down because everyone will lose all respect for her, and that gets Nia full-on sobbing.
Commentary then asks if Ronda Rousey did the right thing at the start of the show tonight and recap that segment for us before hyping the WrestleMania match that came of it.
Braun Strowman gets a handcam promo about how Elias is gonna get these hands and start the countdown to his extinction. We cut to Elias walking backstage and we go to break.
Back from commercial in time for entrances.
And in time for Elias to sing us a song, seated at the piano today. He does his usual schtick and says he loves symphonies. They’re classy and sophisticated, you see. He can play a lot of instruments in fact, and unlike Braun he’s not a one-trick pony, he can do it all. And he punctuates that statement by playing the drums for a moment.
Strowman may be the monster among men, but he’s in Elias’ world tonight, and he’s gonna find out that WWE stands for Walk With Elias and launches into his song for the night on guitar, about being on Raw and getting ready for Braun and how Milwaukee sucks and he can’t stand anyone who lives there. He then proceeds to demand a second spotlight entrance, but when the lights come up he’s running away through the crowd!
Not just through the crowd, but through the entire back of the arena and into his car! He puts it into gear and hits the gas... and nothing happens. His eyes light on the rear view mirror and he slowly turns... BRAUN’S HOLDING HIS CAR IN PLACE AND TELLING HIM HE’S NOT FINISHED WITH HIM! ELIAS GETS OUT AND RUNS AWAY BACK INTO THE ARENA!
He drifts back to the stage and we have a bell!
Braun Strowman vs. Elias (Symphony of Destruction Match)
Braun kicks Elias in the ribs as he continues to drift down the ramp, smashing his face into the apron and rolling him into the ring as Corey Graves gets a really strong string of Megadeth references going, fair play my man. Biel, big corner lariat, he clubs the Drifter to the mat! Up on the shoulders, no running powerslam because Elias slips out and hits his knee a few times before grabbing his guitar to smash him across his back!
With Braun down, Elias climbs up top for the diving elbow drop... NOPE! Looking for Drift Away but Strowman shrugs him off and punches him! Kick to the ribs as he makes his way up the aisle, Braun drags Elias over to the commentary booth, clears the desk, hoists him up but again no running powerslam thanks to a rake to the eyes! Braun rams him into the LED boards and throws the Drifter into a stand of acoustic guitars!
Double axehandle to the back of the neck, Strowman lights on a double bass... AND SMASHES IT ACROSS SAMSON’S BACK! He slides Elias under the piano and takes a seat at the bench and plays a few notes and a quick slide before kicking the bench away. Thinking about the drums, he takes a desultory kick at them before lifting the piano up and slamming it down on Elias!
Braun Strowman wins by pinfall with a lateral press.
Referee Dan Engler waves him off but Braun closes to tell Elias that he told him he’d get him.
EMTs then show up and put the Drifter on a stretcher to cart him away.
Commentary hypes up the rest of our proceedings and we go to break on a hype reel for tomorrow’s episode of Mixed Match Challenge.
Back from commercial commentary gives us the news about the Greatest Royal Rumble that will be held in Saudi Arabia in April.
(Wyatt noise.)
Bray Wyatt vs. Rhyno
Bray right in and on him, big lariat, and he heads to the apron to screw with Heath Slater for reasons. Back in, deep inverted facelock and a kiss...
Bray Wyatt wins by pinfall with Sister Abigail.
Bray squats over Rhyno and rubs his own forehead with the back of the Man-Beast’s hand while Slater looks on in confusion.
He calls Matt Hardy out and demands he show his face. He says the Great War is far from over and Hardy shows his face on the tron. Matt concurs and says if he wishes to clash again it can’t be contained in the mortal realm known as WWE. There’s only one battlefield worthy of such cosmic combat... THE HARDY COMPOUND! WE GET A VIDEO PACKAGE SHOWING THE COMPOUND BEING PREPARED FOR ANNIHILATION!
MATT CHALLENGES BRAY TO THE ULTIMATE DELETION!
Miz and the Miztourage are walking backstage to send us to break.
Back from commercial, Miz and the Miztourage are in the ring ready to present the Mizzies.
Miz launches into his usual patter, slightly modified to account for the awards show nature of it all. He says the Mizzies recognize true greatness, not acclaimed movies that nobody’s seen before. Darkest Hour? The real darkest hour is that Shape of Water won best picture over the Marine 5. Get Out? That’s what Kurt Angle should do as general manager of Raw.
Three Billboards should be outside of New Orleans with Miz’s face on it, showcases the real star of WrestleMania. But he’s gonna go ahead and take a page out of their book anyway, and first category is the superstar that’s best at patting themselves on the back. Our nominees are Seth Rollins and Finn Balor, and the winner... IS A TIE! They both win!
Unfortunately they can’t accept their awards because they weren’t invited, and Miz moves onto the next award, worst decision by a Raw general manager. Our nominees are Kurt Angle bringing his bastard son Jason Jordan to Raw, Kurt Angle letting both Finn Balor and Seth Rollins into the Elimination Chamber, and Kurt Angle for failing to name a WrestleMania opponent for the Intercontinental Champion.
The winner is, unanimously... Kurt Angle! But Kurt can’t accept the award because he’s too busy sucking up to Ronda Rousey. Don’t worry, though, having the award on your resume is very useful when you’re looking for a new job the day after WrestleMania. Now Miz takes a break for a lifetime achievement award, a man who is the main event no matter where he is on the WrestleMania card, a man who’s close to breaking the record for most days as Intercontinental Champion--
Seth Rollins cuts the announcement off. He apologizes, saying he was enjoying the Mizzies but Milwaukee was begging somebody to hit the music and play him off.
Enter Finn Balor. Seth asks him what the deal with following him around is, and Balor says he’s not out here to follow, he’s out here to do one better. Miz says he’ll do one better than both of them, and points out that Angle said “might” face him at WrestleMania because neither of them deserve it. No matter whether Seth lasts 65 minutes or has a fantastic performance, Rollins loses.
In fact, nobody makes losing look better than Seth... except Finn, who won the Universal Championship and held it for one day. He tells everybody how over he is but this isn’t Japan and you have to bust your butt every day in WWE, and to be over you need more than just a handsign that isn’t your. They think they’re so special because they beat Miz in what was basically a two-on-one handicap match?
Miz wants to do something big and challenges them to a two-on-three handicap match right here, right now! (Van Halen is kicking ass in America?) Seth says if that’s what it’ll take to shut Miz up, he’s on!
They hit the ring and we go to break to give the crew time to clear the Mizzies set.
Back from commercial in time for the bell!
Finn Balor & Seth Rollins vs. the Miz & the Miztourage (Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel)
Balor and Axel to start, side headlock, snapmare to a kneeling armbar, Curtis out with knees against the ropes, off the ropes, sunset flip into a dropkick and Finn goes back to the armbar! Tag to Rollins, double axehandle to the elbow, Axel gets him in the corner, tag to Dallas but Seth breaks free and fends them off until Bo attacks from behind and puts boots to him.
Tag to Miz, continung to put boots to him, a cover comes up empty, face smash in the turnbuckle, snapmare to a running neck snap and the cover gets two. Kneeling chickenwing with a forearm across Rollins’ face, trying to deny the tag, knee to the midsection, whip into a dropkick and Axel is fired up! Tag back to Bo, clubbing blows, another nearfall and Dallas locks a reverse chinlock on.
Seth to his feet, blocking punches and throwing his own, chop, whip, he catches the ropes, boot to Bo’s face, tag made! Finn in with forearms, double leg into a double stomp, he runs Miz off and hits a running chop on Dallas in the corner. Across to the other, same deal, whip reversed, up and over, boot up, he cuts Bo off with an enzuigiri and goes for the inverted 1916 when Miz runs interference.
Out after him, Axel and Dallas wipe Balor out and we go to break.
Back from commercial, Balor escapes with a jawbreaker, Pele kick, tag made! Rollins in on Miz, diving lariat, clear the apron, boot up, nobody home on the dive, enzuigiri connects and the Architect is fired up! Corner elbow, suplex, roll through into the Falcon Arrow... NOPE! Laying in way, low kick, Miz goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, reversed to a victory roll, Avada Kedavra connects... only a nearfall!
Seth dumps Axel to the floor, ducks a lariat and takes the Miztourage out with a suicide dive! Back in, clothesline the A-Lister to the floor, off the ropes... and into a tag from Finn! TOPE CON GIRO INTO THE MIZTOURAGE! Back inside, Sling Blade, shotgun dropkick, headed up top... Rollins steals the tag! Taking full advantage...
Finn Balor & Seth Rollins win by pinfall with Blackout from Rollins on the Miz.
Kurt Angle comes out to address Miz. He says he already has his match at WrestleMania and it’s time to announce Miz’s. He’s not going to be competing against Seth Rollins or Finn Balor, but he WILL be competing against both of them in a triple threat!
Commentary shills for the WWE Network giving a quick rundown of the Fastlane card before promising Paul Heyman’s response to Roman Reigns after the break.
Back from commercial, Paul Heyman does his usual introductory schtick while carrying the WWE Universal Championship.
He’s here tonight to speak on behalf of his client and set the record straight and lay the title down in the ring because Brock Lesnar lets him put hands on the title. If Brock chooses to defend the title at SummerSlam, Paul will come out here and lay the title down again and right next to it he’ll lay the UFC Heavyweight Championship as well. Last week Roman had a lot to say about the Beast Incarnate.
The biggest victory of Roman’s career? Last year at WrestleMania when he beat the Undertaker, and props to him for doing so, one of the only men in history to do so. Did anybody bring up the fact that Reigns beating the Undertaker didn’t mean anything because Taker only wrestles once a year? No. And why? Because if they did, that statement would be bullshit.
The Undertaker is the Undertaker 365 days a year. Likewise, Brock Lesnar is Brock Lesnar 365 days a year, and at this WrestleMania, Reigns ain’t beating Lesnar and he’s not taking the title away from him. And if Roman doesn’t like what he’s saying, then next week, here on Raw, he can do something about it, because Brock will be on Raw next week.
He reiterates that the title belongs to Brock and goes to leave before turning back and saying that Roman came out here and called Lesnar a bitch last week. He holds the title up and says that it’s Brock’s bitch and belongs to Lesnar. Roman is eyeballing Brock’s bitch and he can’t have her. You don’t have to pry the title from Lesnar’s cold dead hands, you have to pry it from his hot, competitive hands.
Brock is a big boy, bigger than everyone else in his class, and he always wanted to be number one. He lays the title down again and says it’s not a belt, a strap, or a prop, but a declarative statement that you’re better than everyone else in the universe. Head and shoulders above everybody else, top of the card, the biggest dog in the biggest yard, number one on the face of the planet and everywhere else, that’s what the title means.
It’s not how bad you want the title, it’s how bad the title wants you. The Saturday night before WrestleMania, if you get a phone call that something happened to your father and you need to come home, you can’t, because it needs you to defend it, and after you defend it you can’t go home because it needs to be on the Raw after WrestleMania. Maybe, just maybe if you’re not needed on SmackDown, then you can go home to your family that needs you, because if you want to be the champion, you need to know the title needs you more, loves you more, lusts for you more and you’re everything that is the title and the title is everything that is you and I have lost the plot.
Next week his client will be here and Roman can say whatever he likes to his face, because if he comes out now it’ll be he wants to shoot on Heyman and not the Universal Champion.
Enter Roman Reigns. Paul E picks the title up and holds it close as Roman grabs the mic. He says this is what he’s talking about, and he said a lot of things last week, some of which were harsh but all of them were true. And what does Brock do? He sends Heyman to give his rebuttal. Brock really is a bitch, isn’t he? He says the boys aren’t asking for much, they want the champion to show up to work.
But that’s not it, they also want Brock to actually be here, so he’s gonna keep it real simple. Lesnar’s gonna be in Detroit next week, and that means so is he. So he wants Paul to tell Brock to not come dressed for a promo segment, he needs to come dress for a fight.
That’s the show, folks.