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I have no idea when I’m going to urinate during WrestleMania 34

Going to WrestleMania is a great experience. It’s electric. It’s exciting. And more often than not, it’s fun. But it’s also long as hell.

I’ve been thinking about the length of the show, as I’m going this year (My friend and I have been lucky enough to make the show a yearly tradition as of late). I’m excited for the show in general. It feels like this year is one of the most stacked ‘Mania’s in a while. But at the same time, it’s another seven hour show. It can be difficult to sit through these marathon events. And there’s been one thing on my mind while preparing for this year’s show:

When the hell am I going to use the bathroom?

Seven hours is a long time to sit through anything. This year, WrestleMania will be starting at 4 pm local time in New Orleans and likely run until after 11 pm. There’s no way in hell you can just sit there for seven plus hours. So here are my thoughts for those who may be managing a marathon ‘Mania for the first time.

Luckily the Superdome is indoors, so there won’t be the sun to deal with like in Orlando last year or Santa Clara three years ago, but you’re still going to want to drink something in that seven hour span. And if you do, you’re eventually going to need to use the bathroom. Unless you want to be holding it so long that your bladder is bursting during the main event. That’s an option too, I guess.

So, when do you get up to use the bathroom and likely grab a snack?

You could pick a match or two that you’re not as into and say “I’m going to use the bathroom here” but that doesn’t always work. Take this year’s card for example. It’s loaded. There’s not one match that makes me think “I don’t want to see this at all” (at least now that they’ve added Rusev to the U.S. title match). But even if there is a match or two you’re not that into, there are a few issues with depending on that for your break.

- If the match is too early or too late, it’s not going to time out well.

Imagine you choose the US title match as your point to get out of your seat, stretch, get food, and use the bathroom. Well, what happens if they put that on the Kickoff show? Suddenly, your one match to eat and hit the head is very early in the show, leaving another 5 hours that you’ll probably need to get up and go again. If it’s a cool down prior to the main event, you’ve already sat for six hours.

- You’re probably not the only person who doesn’t want to see that match.

There are thousands of people who are at the stadium with you, plotting the same thing you are. Chances are, if there’s a match you’re not into, a lot of people aren’t. Just like everyone has the same idea to try to go after a match ends. So while rushing out to the concession area after a segment is over makes sense, you’re probably going to wait longer because everyone is doing that. Getting up to use the bathroom and grabbing food could be a 20 minute affair. If you want the quickest trip, go at the beginning of a hot match. But you probably don’t want to do that.

- You never know when something awesome is going to happen.

No matter what you choose, you never know when they’re going to book something awesome. In fact, I fell victim to that the last two years.

Two years ago, I chose the random New Day vs. League of Nations tag match. It was at the end of that bout that they did the legends segment with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels, and Mick Foley.

Now, that wasn’t that bad because legends segments aren’t for me. But last year, I decided to go during the Hall of Fame acknowledgements/Raw tag team ladder match. My reasoning was that this was going to be a long match and I didn’t care about the entrances. Sounds logical, right?

I missed the big Hardy Boyz return.

I was standing on line to get a quick bite when I heard their music and was excited and disappointed at the same time.

The moral of this could be that you’re going to miss something if you’re in attendance, and there’s no way around that. Or it could be don’t skip the tag matches. I haven’t figured it out yet.

The only solid advice I have to offer ‘Mania goers is, “Have a steel bladder or you’re going to miss something.” Maybe pick 3 or 4 matches where you’ll care the least if you miss something and whichever one comes on about half way through the show, go for it.

This year, I’m going to replace soda with water. I skip any beer at these shows or I’m plotting five times to get up to use the bathroom. I’m going try to eat something small prior, and hope that Fatal 4-way U.S. title match is in the middle of the card.

But I’m sure even if it all plays out as planned, CM Punk will return while I’m in the bathroom, because that’s just how these things go.

Good luck next week, WrestleMania goers!

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