You’ve seen them as horror movies!

You’ve seen them stand-ins for Thanksgiving dinner!

You’ve seen them doppelganger’d as Holiday TV Specials!

You’ve seen them list their New Years Resolutions!

NOW

see them as you’ve never seen them before, because it’s...

VALENTINE’S DAY!

In honor of this historic holiday (the history of which has nothing to do with chocolate and flowers...though a heart-shaped box might have been used to house the severed heads of both those guys named Valentine), Cageside Seats is proud to bring you the WWE Roster...as ROMCOMS!

What is a “romcom,” anyway?

It’s a movie where people fall in love but along the way HIJINKS ensue, causing characters in movie and/or viewers watching movie to laugh and enjoy the courtship as it unfolds...as opposed to just “roms” I suppose, which are movies where people fall in love but you don’t laugh and you don’t enjoy watching it happen. So like Titanic I guess? Also Avatar? But for different reasons...and also for a few of the same reasons now that I think about it.

Oh and don’t download roms, kids; it’s illegal.

ON TO THE LIST!

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Yeah, let’s just dive right into the gold standard. This is the “greatest” romantic-comedy of all time. If there was any criticism to be had it’s that the movie plays it safe and can get a little too cute for its own good. But if you’re looking for a movie that is buttery smooth and just plain delightful, this is the one. Sort of like this guy...

No, wait, not that guy...

There he is. That’s the guy.

And believe me there’s a big difference in those two pictures. The top is a loud-mouthed, opinionated, living cartoon character that exemplifies that phrase “self-parody” better than anyone since “Fat Elvis.”

The bottom had way more hair.

WWE’s estranged ambassador. Much as they might want to make Ric Flair their de-facto “legend” the fact is when people think “wrestling back in the day” they think of Hulk Hogan.

He may have tarnished his image with his racist rant(s), but back in the more wholesome , cocaine and steroid-fueled era of the 80’s and early 90’s there was no one more perfect in his role. There was no one better than Hogan to embody that Titan Era of Wrestling. He was a play it safe, eat your vitamins and say your prayers babyface, yes, but in a kitschy way, he was the best.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

It’s the discount version of Sleepless in Seattle. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are back but the story is updated for a then-modern era. The film was a big hit upon release but unfortunately the 90’s were a fast-evolving time for technology and a lot of the charm of the film got pretty antiquated pretty quickly. But, the movie has been outdated so long now it’s gone full circle and is popular again, in sort of a nostalgic/ironic way. Sort of like...

WWE Network

Believe it or not kids, there was a time not long ago when it was really easy to hate this guy. But just look at him now. He’s adorable. I don’t even have anything else to say. The description of the movie is John Cena.

JOE vs. THE VOLCANO

Did you know Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were in a third romcom together? It’s true. Their first team-up is overlooked in the shadow of Sleepless in Seattle: Joe vs. The Volcano has a lot of the same elements that made the next two movies such hits, but the total package just didn’t come together. It’s lacking that je ne sais quoi and for whatever reason it’s just not up to the standard of the other two. Sort of like...

I think I know what the problem is with Roman vs John Cena and Hulk Hogan. I’m excluding Steve Austin from this list because he’s a different cat entirely. The problem fans can’t seem to get over when it comes to Roman (and no matter how many times he seems rehabilitated the fans always turn again when he’s pushed to the main-event) is that Roman’s push feels entirely the product of corporate-mandate.

Whereas John Cena (Roman’s forebearer) at least had that foundation of self-made success on which the rocket of his push was launched, Roman has been “the guy” from the moment the Shield ended, without the fans—whom Vince claims to listen to and on whose pulse Vince claims to have his finger—ever really saying “yes, this is the guy” (apart from that one “anyone but Batista” moment at the 2014 Royal Rumble).

In a lot of ways he has the same tools that made Hogan and Cena such big successes, but he’s missing that intrinsic special something and it’s holding him back from rising to the same level as the other two.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

It’s another romcom starring Meg Ryan, only this one has Billy Crystal. This one is different in more ways than that, too; it’s edgier. It’s cleverer. It’s more grown up. It’s still a lot of fun and it’s still loaded with laughs, but the whole tone of it feels different. Watching all four of these movies in a row and you can easily spot the odd duck. That doesn’t make it bad though. On the contrary, it’s probably the “best” film in the list. Sort of like...

I’m dying at that picture. Cause nothing says the Don’t Trust Anybody, beer swilling, bird flipping, McMahon stunning Texas Rattlesnake like CINNAMON ICE CREAM!

Austin is his generation’s Hogan. You can say Hulk Hogan and everyone knows who he is. Well, you can say Steve Austin and get the same response, and you can’t get that from too many other guys. He’s every bit the company carrying face that ran the place that Hogan was before and Cena was after, but with an edge and a personality all his own.

LIGHTNING ROUND...

MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING

In which Julia Roberts is the worst, most selfish person in the world, yet is written to be the hero of the story. Sort of like...

If we could just get Shane to admit he’s the villain of SmackDown, the show would be so much better off.

PRETTY WOMAN

In which we try and fail to overlook the fact that the guy we know best as George Costanza is, in this story, supposed to be a sleezy creep that we hate. Not me: I just laugh because it’s George Costanza trying and failing to have sex with Julia Roberts-as-a-hooker, who literally has sex with people for money. But still, the idea of a good guy playing a bad guy that I enjoy but don’t believe is sort of like...

Who...you can’t fool me Zayn. I know you have a heart of gold.

NOTTING HILL

In which two beautiful people (Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant) swoon and romantically circle each other, while the real star of the picture is the quirky third wheel in the background (Spike). Sort of like...

As far as I’m concerned it’s Dana Brooke Worldwide. Titus and Apollo are just taking up space.

AND FINALLY...

TOP GUN

Because, even though Maverick and Iceman don’t end up together, they do seem to find mutual respect for one another, which just goes to show you that not all romances have a clichéd ending. And who knows, maybe one day down the line, the stars will align and love will bring them back together. Sort of like...

WWE on Twitter

Now I’m sad.

What about you, Cagesiders? Are you sad this Valentine’s Day? If so, lie to us and tell us all about the big plans you have for your hot date. We’ll never know. It’s the internet.