WWE Raw Abridged (Jan. 15, 2017): BRAUN gives hands

BEAR: class tomorrow’s canceled, thanks winter, imma abridge things

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

VIDEO: member how Braun grappled some scaffolding onto Kane and Bork

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

BRAUN: imma tell a story bout me winning the red belt

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK etc.

BRAUN: but muh story

KURT: you almost killed Kane and Bork so you’re fired

BRAUN: what

SECURITY: yes please come with us

BRAUN: um

SECURITY: now go out this door

BRAUN: wait I’m Braun, have all the hands

BRAUN kills SECURITY

BAR fights WORLDWIDE, suddenly KURT’S SON

KURT’S SON: hey

APOLLO: rollup

WORLDWIDE wins, now SETH’s here

SETH: um why’d you do that

KURT’S SON: cause

meanwhile backstage

BRAUN: hey Kurt’s office, have some hands

BRAUN kills a poor innocent TV and some bad art

BRAUN: hey catering and Kurt, have some hands

CAKE GUY: what about me

BRAUN: you have cake so you’re good

BRAUN kills KURT and some tables and a poor innocent piece of cake

here’s ZO and TONY

ZO: HOW YOU DOIN, witty banter, here’s Tony, he has abs

suddenly CEDRIC and GOLDUST

GOLDUST: your banter sucks, Cedric’s gonna win at the Rumble

CEDRIC: also SAWFT

meanwhile

BRAUN: hey chair and dumpster, have some hands

TONY and CEDRIC fight til CEDRIC wins

KURT: Braun killed my office, brb calling the cops

REF: Braun’s giving some hands to the production trucks

KURT: no no no nonononononononOOOOOOO

meanwhile in production

BRAUN: how do I throw hands at a whole TV show

CREW: um

BRAUN: you’re no help

BRAUN finds a truck

KURT: please don’t give the truck hands

BRAUN: oh the truck’s getting some hands

BRAUN overturns a truck

BRAUN: imma go to the ring, hey Cole want some hands

COLE: nah

BRAUN: don’t care, have some

KURT: wait wait Steph rehired you and there’s no cops, please don’t kill Cole

BRAUN: k

KURT: really

BRAUN: pshhh nah

COLE gets some hands

TOM: guess imma announce now

ASUKA’s gonna fight NIA

ASUKA: kicks

NIA: nah

ASUKA: facepunches

NIA: nah

ASUKA: asuka lock

NIA: ehhhhhhhh still nah, have some throws

ASUKA: but muh asuka lock

NIA: but I am very big

NIA hugs ASUKA real hard

NIA: gonna just sit on you

ASUKA: dodge

PICCOLO: see even that wacky haired girl can do it, Gohan

GOHAN: uh huh

ASUKA: rally

NIA: slam, pin

ASUKA: nah, kneebar tho

NIA: got the rope, let’s take this outside

ASUKA: have a legkick

NIA: welp can’t stand up

REF: k match stops

here’s REFS and DOC and BLISS

KURT: hey son, Braun killed things

KURT’S SON: yeah sure whatever, can Seth fight Finn tonight

KURT: k

TOM: Cole’s shaken up

COREY: Steph rehiring Braun is bad

TOM: it’s MLK Day

BOOKER: yep

BLISS: sorry bout your leg

ZO: how you doin Nia

NIA: leg hurts

BLISS: um

NIA: hey Bliss, leave

REVIVAL squash some folks

CHARLY: hey Reviv-

REVIVAL: we’re the best tag team on Raw

CHARLY: well there’s old wrasslers on Raw next week, how bout that

REVIVAL: old wrasslers suck

ladies and gentlemen, ELIAS

ELIAS: imma siiiiiiiing, Cena suuuuuuucks, imma beat him at the Rumbllllllllle, Spurs suuuuuuuuck, here’s Miiiiiiiiiiiz

AWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: I’m the best thing bout Raw, imma beat Roman for the white belt next week

suddenly ROMAN, handicap match time

MIZTOURAGE: have steel stairs

ROMAN: ow

MIZTOURAGE: rest holds

ROMAN: yawn

MIZTOURAGE

takes

their

time

beating

ROMAN

up

ROMAN: bored now, time to overco-

AXEL: hey Bo, tag

ROMAN: superman punches for everyone

MIZ: run awayyyyy

ROMAN: nah

AXEL: rollup

ROMAN: very nah, time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

here’s SASHA with MICKIE and BAYLEY, she’s fighting SONYA with MANDY and oh hey PAIGE

SASHA: bank statement

SONYA: nah but strikes

SASHA: nah imma rally

SONYA: k but gutkick

SONYA wins

KURT’S SON: hey Seth, you ready to fight Finn

SETH: yeah but don’t make matches for me

OOOOOOOOAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WOKEN MATT: now who ees my UNFORTUNATE veectim

SLATER: guess it’s me

WOKEN MATT: yaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAsssssSSS

SLATER: well then

WOKEN MATT deletes SLATER

TOM: Goldberg’s goin in the HOF

TOM, COREY, BOOKER: the Rumble tho

SETH and FINN gonna fight

FINN: arm drag, rest hold, smug smile

SETH: k but strikes

FINN: k but flippy dropkick, get outta the ring, facekick, back in the ring

SETH: now you get outta the ring, imma...

RANDY: must you

SETH: ...dive, neckbreaker, pin

FINN: nah

then they just punch and kick each other a bunch til

FINN: slingblade

SETH: superkick, pin

FINN: nah

SETH: phoenix spl-

FINN: nah, dropkick, top rope

SETH: superplex, falcon arrow, pin

FINN: nah

BEAR: I want to marry this match

FINN: pin again

REF: one two three

FINN: yay

REF: actually two

FINN: WHAT

suddenly BAR

BAR: we got beef, Kurt’s Son

KURT’S SON: run awayyyy

BALOR: gonna...

RANDY: not even mad anymore

FINN: ...dive on all y’all, coup de gr-

SETH: nah, curb stomp

BEAR: I’M SORRY WHAT

VINCE: dammit Seth

SETH: don’t care, won

FINN: what year is it