WWE RAW (August 7, 2017) – Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

MIZ: it’s Miz TV, Jason should come out so I can beat him up

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: nah cause he’s fighting Axel later, here’s Bork

here he is, PAUL wants to talk but

MIZ: nah, Bork’s gonna lose at Summerslam

PAUL: oh do continue talking

MIZ: BORK’s gonna leave for UFC

BORK: can I kill him now

PAUL: nah this is just gettin good

MIZ: wanna say somethin Paul

PAUL: do you and Maryse ever roleplay

BEAR: um

PAUL: cause Bork’s gonna kill you and the Miztourage

BORK does that then rage-eats all the poutine in Toronto

BURN IT DOOOOOOOOOWN

SETH: time to fight Sheamus

SHEAMUS: k

SETH: time to...dive

SHEAMUS: caught ya

SETH: but jumpybeef

SHEAMUS: your junk gets a rope, your back gets an apron

BOOKER: THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING

SHEAMUS: heely beatdown, brogue k-

SETH: enziguri

SHEAMUS: facekick, neat top rope transition

SETH: imma get you down, facekick pin

SHEAMUS: nah

SETH: slingblade

CESARO: distraction

SETH: ooh

SHEAMUS: rollup pin

SETH: 50/50 so sure

SHEAMUS: YAY

SETH: but now imma...dive

BAR: an idiot says what

SETH: what

BAR kill SETH

COLE: BUT IS DEAN GONNA HELP SETH

DEAN doesn’t help SETH

COLE: WHY

BEAR: yeah why

SETH: yeah Dean seriously why

DEAN: cause Shield

SETH: THAT WAS THREE YEARS AGO

DEAN: don’t care, gonna fight Cesaro

JASON: gonna fight

KURT: well Axel’s hurt cause Bork so hey Local Jobber

JOBBER: yep

KURT: go get squashed by my son

JOBBER: cool

JASON squashes JOBBER

UNIVERSE: BOOOOOOO

VINCE: but Jason’s strong

UNIVERSE: but Jobber’s local

here’s BAYLEY and her armsling

DASHA: hey Bayley, you got shoulderhurt by Nia, how bout that

BAYLEY: yeah, sucks, I’m sad

UNIVERSE: BOOOOOOO

BAYLEY: um

DASHA: who should be new #1 contender

BAYLEY: Sasha cause friend

suddenly SASHA

SASHA: aw thanks imma fight Foxy and Emma

BLISS: and imma commentate

SASHA and FOXY and EMMA fight for a bit then

EMMA: pin to Foxy

FOXY: k

REF: nah

EMMA: WHAT

SASHA: bank statement

EMMA: BUT I WON

SASHA: but tap

EMMA: k

RENEE: hey Braun, you’re fighting Roman tonight, how bout that

BRAUN: I like hurting Roman

ZO: HOW YOU DOIN, here’s Show

yep

ZO: hey Show we make a great team

SHOW: my punch is very big

suddenly GOODBROS

GOODBROS: wanna fight

ZO: DR EVIL AND MINI ME

GOODBROS: guess that’s a yes

SHOW: yep

SHOW clears the ring

SHOW: tag

ANDERSON: face in peril?

ZO: face in peril

ZO face in perils, suddenly CASS

CASS: hi

SHOW: distracted

GALLOWS: boot to Show

ZO: imma ral-

ANDERSON: nah, pin

CASS: also Show dies

ZO: my dive says nah

CASS: when has this ever worked for you

CASS kills ZO til

SHOW: ko punch

ZO: yay a big dude saved me again

FINN

does

his

whole

long

entrance

FINN: this is Balor Club

BEAR: is that another WWE talk show

FINN: Bray likes to creepytalk but I kick fear in the face, imma beat Bray later

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: how bout now

FINN: yep, I’m sittin on the ropes, please die

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: nah, I’m on the tron, run and stuff

now DEAN fights CESARO

DEAN: hey is this how you technically wrassle

CESARO: no this is, now get brute force pinned

DEAN: nah, go flying and get outta the ring

SHEAMUS: distraction

DEAN: ooh

CESARO: hi, heely beatdown, now top o’ the ringpost to ya

DEAN: nah but you tho

CESARO: then backbreaker

DEAN: but punchiness

CESARO: gutwrench, torture rack

DEAN: but clotheslines

CESARO: but uppercut pin

DEAN: nah

CESARO: then have ropes

DEAN: ow but cradlepin

CESARO: cradlenah

DEAN: dirty d-

SHEAMUS: distraction

DEAN: deja ooh

CESARO: sharpshooter

DEAN: ooh a rope, get outta the ring, imma jump on you

SHEAMUS: distraction

DEAN: nah, pin

CESARO: k

SHEAMUS: now for beatemups

suddenly SETH who beats em up

DEAN: hey thanks, wanna do Shield things

SETH: nah

TITUS: Tozawa’s gonna win at Summerslam amirite

APOLLO: you’re right cause brand

NEVILLE: nah cause he won’t get to Summerslam

TITUS: scuse me

NEVILLE: Ariya’s gonna fight him tonight

TITUS: neat

suddenly not purple ropes

ARIYA: imma hurtcha

TOZAWA: but chops

ARIYA: but nothin

they fight til

TOZAWA: imma...dive and senton pin

ARIYA: k

TITUS: YAY

RENEE: hey Roman, Bork was on Miz TV, how bout that

ROMAN: don’t care but imma beat him at Summerslam

RENEE: what about Braun

ROMAN: gonna beat him too

NIA and DANA and MICKIE fight then NIA pins DANA

BEAR: I wrote that before the match

COLE, GRAVES, BOOKER: the WWE Network tho

GOLDUST: still doin my heel film director thing

CASS: hey Kurt I wanna fight Show at Summerslam without Zo there

KURT: how bout he’s in a shark cage

CASS: cool

ROMAN: not even gonna wait for a bell, let’s fight

BRAUN: sounds good, have beef

ROMAN: cool now here’s my beef

BRAUN: but I got all the beef

he does

ROMAN: but I have a reserve of beef

he does

ROMAN: time to overcome th-

BRAUN: nah imma just throw you into things

ROMAN: superman punch then lemme try this again, time to overc-

BRAUN: dropkick

REF: ten?

ROMAN: nah, get outta the ring, driveby, imma get the tables

BRAUN: cool imma set it up

ROMAN: cool imma samoan drop you thru it

REF: ten?

BRAUN: nah

ROMAN: also nah

BRAUN: have an office chair

ROMAN: ow

COLE: THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE THINGS I’VE SEEN

REF: ten?

ROMAN: nah, imma take you to the announce table

BRAUN: have the screen twice

REF: ten?

ROMAN: nah, superman punches, big ol’ ramp run spear, time to overcome th-

JOE’s in the crowd

JOE: coquina clutch

ROMAN: imma sleep

REF: ten?

BRAUN: nah

ROMAN does not overcome things