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Who really won The New Day/Usos rap battle on SmackDown?

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In the record books, it will always say “New Day via disqualification”.

Wale, the Grammy-nominated hip-hop artist brought in the call the rap battle between Jimmy and Jey Uso and Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods threw the Usos out when they broke the “all bars, no scars” rule by shoving their opponents.

Popular opinion, on the other hand, seems to be handing victory to the twins... usually by a wide margin.

Before I offer my opinion and throw it to a vote, let’s run down some of the July 4 segments greatest hits - not all of which are included in the above version WWE released on YouTube (the unedited segment is available on Hulu, however):

Big E

Both of y’all eat off the table we set. Before The New Day existed, dark matches and pre-shows is all you get.

So say thanks to the cats who let you mice eat more than crumbs. We should call you Chucky Cheeks. Chucky Cheeks? Cause you’re bums.

And speaking of butts - Say “hi” to your pops. Cause even Rikishi knows, “New. Day. Rocks.”

The Usos

Jimmy: The New Day and The Usos in a rap-off... I was like, it can’t be. What the hell they gonna talk about, Uce?

Jey: I don’t know, unicorns and stampedes

Jimmy: What are we gonna talk about, Uce?

Jey: Big E’s double D’s, How you look like Whoopi and how you say you’re 5’ 5” but you’re really 5’ 3”


Jey: Big E, you so predictable. I knew you was gonna talk about Rikishi.

Jimmy: Everybody knows who our Pops is, but do they know about yours, E?

Jey: Nope. Our Pop’s booty made millions. What about yours, E?

Jimmy: Damn, bro. Is that supposed to be chest or a breast, bro?

Jey: Are those supposed to be real, or silicon?

Jimmy: I mean we done asked everybody all around the world, and they still don’t know.

Jey: Big E, hey, let’s just keep it PG. You know what’s good.

Jimmy: Just don’t get all rated R, like your boy Xavier Woods.

Wale: What... what’s happening? Something’s happening. YoYoYo. Don Don Don DeMarco. Don Don Don Don DeMarco. Don Don Don DeMarco. Stop it. Stop it. NahNahNah, it’s not over... I’m sweating, I don’t know why I’m sweating. I’m sweating a little bit right now...

Kofi

Hold up. Hold it down, hold it down. Y’all ain’t got no abs, no cuts - you ain’t buff at all. Look at those bellies... muffin tops. Now I see ‘em getting irked. Look, I ain’t trying to be a jerk. Just tell me why you came to work and started wrestling in shirts?

I know why, I know why. Cause y’all got that first trimester pooch. What’s that mean for you two? Means y’all are rocking weinie-do. Y’all don’t know about weinie-do? They don’t know about weinie-do? That’s when your gut hangs out more than your wienie do!

The Usos

Jey: I say, “Hey, Mon... ain’t you Kof-ee King-stohn? Didn’t you used to be Jamaican?

Jimmy: Nah. You was Ja-fakin’. But he’s stayed in the lane.

Jey: Ran around the whole world giving Jamaicans a bad name.

Jimmy: I mean - muffin top, crop top, that’s the best you got? Boy, your forehead look like a back of a hand.

Jey: If Ron Simmons was here right now he’d probably step to ya and be like “DAMN”.


Jey: Hey, you touch us, I’m swinging like an axe... Paul Bunyon flow. I got my blue ox behind me, we yell “TIMBER!”

Jimmy: The only way you gonna beat us tonight...

Jey: You had to go get a fourth New Day member.

Wale: I’m impartial. I’m impartial. Don’t put me in it.

Jimmy: You cool, though, and you alright, Uce. But you keep running with these fools, it’s gonna be a hostile situation.

Jey: I’m telling you Wale, you keep running with these fools you’re gonna end up like hospital patients.

Woods

Now, Jim. You and your brother, you’re tag champs. You turned the Universe into believers. But please always remember you were absolutely nothing until your wife put you on Total Divas.

Y’all both used to wear face paint - bright colors. You know, like showmen. And then all of a sudden you saw The New Day coming up on the horizon, looking like a bad omen.

And your boys The New Day, we some warriors - but no masters. Call us ronin.

I SAID... we don’t use our cell phones when we’re international, cause that’s roaming.

I SAID... y’all should get back to doing what you do best, and that’s carrying bags for who? That’s carrying bags for ROMAN.

One thing any video or audio version of the segment will give you that transcribed quotes won’t is this... Big ‘Keesh’s sons had MUCH better flow. Especially in the case of E, who had a factually accurate dagger about where and when The Usos used to wrestle (take it from a guy who used to recap Superstars) land with a thud because his delivery was dookie. Kofi also falls victim to this, although the less said about his “hexagon” and college dropout disses the better, so his material wasn’t much better than his mechanics.

On the subject of material, though... was Jimmy & Jey’s that good? Much of the praise they’ve been getting focuses on the reference to Woods’ role in Paige’s stolen videos. It’s a “WOW, they really went there” line, but it’s also destined to never be replayed when this segment gets the highlight treatment in the future. And... is it really a slam? Aren’t they basically saying, “we know you had sexy fun times with two very attractive people”? How is that an insult?

Xavier’s closing comeback, on the other hand? Everything about that $#!+ is DEVASTATING.

So, you can probably tell who gets my vote.

It’s Wale. For the “Don DeMarco” drop, setting up the DQ by warning Jey he was getting too close to his opponents midway through the battle and for signing with Titus Worldwide after the show.

Your turn.

Poll

Who won the rap battle on the July 4 SmackDown?

This poll is closed

  • 77%
    The Usos
    (1070 votes)
  • 22%
    The New Day
    (312 votes)
1382 votes total Vote Now

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