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This is how Alexa Bliss should respond to Sasha Banks

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Shooters taking shots in Raw’s Women’s Division.

Sasha Banks and Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss wwe.com

Sasha Banks went in on Raw Talk last night.

Not content with throwing Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss into a very specific spot on the stage’s LED boards or hitting a Meteora off the announce table after their title match last night, The Boss lit up the spiteful sprite on the post-Great Balls of Fire talk show:

Renee Young: Uh, what’s up with you? How you feeling tonight?

Sasha Banks: Um, honestly, quite angry. I had her beat. I had her beat. And you know what it just proved to me that exactly what I said she was. She was a coward. She’s always been a coward, she’s always played this little game where she wants to politick her way out of every single match because she’s scared of me, and she knows that I’m the best, and she knows that I’m better than her.

...

Peter Rosenberg: I gotta ask you, you keep saying, she’s always been this, she’s always been that. There’s been a lot of chatter about the history with you two and that there has been no love lost for a long time. (SB: “Oh, no no no”) What is the deal with Sasha Banks and Alexa Bliss?

SB: You know, she came in, so cute, so humbled—she came in so fake. With her fake little stories, her fake little “I loved wrestling growing up, I loved Matt Hardy”—you know what, you can’t even tell the difference between Jeff and Matt, you idiot. Yeah, we call you on all your lies sweetheart, you’re just here to be another girl, another heel—you just want to be here for a Hollywood act. You’re on Total Divas now, you’re getting what you want, and you can talk your way into everything. But you know what, you can’t run away from me. You can talk this, but you can’t walk the walk because you’ll never be me...

Lordy. And that was only the beginning (for a full rundown, head here)!

Speaking of that Meteora, it’s a great crime and an unfortunate dent in the WWE Universe’s thirsty quest for “shoots” that cameras caught what appears to be Banks asking Bliss if she was OK immediately after taking the move.

Sasha Banks hits Alexa Bliss with a meteora @totaldivaseps

Fake news. Sad.

Regardless of that, Bliss continued their tradition of not-so-subtweeting each other last night:

Alexa, come on. You just brought a dull butter knife to a gunfight. Do better.

Since the champ came off as basically unprepared last night, it seems appropriate to offer her a helping hand. So here’s my take on how Bliss should respond to The Boss:

Let me get this straight. Someone who calls herself “The Boss” called me fake.

Sure.

What’s ironic is that there’s no one more fake than Sasha Banks. She just loves to pretend that she’s all noble and self-sacrificing for this “era of women’s wrestling,” and that she’s such a perfect little wrestling fan with her nauseating Eddie Guerrero tributes, but what she fails to mention is that all of her “inspiring” rhetoric only has one actual purpose: to make herself look good. All you little kids in your Sasha Banks merch, just know this: she’s not in this for you. She’s in this for herself. She’s nothing more than a vain egomaniac.

I mean, just listen to her. She says that I “politick” and have “friends backstage.” As if anyone in this division has more “friends” backstage than that precious “My Little Pony” Kliq. You know what happened when Sasha Banks won the Women’s Championship last year the first time—she won it three times, but only because she could never actually successfully defend it—right? Triple H cried. He cried! What a cute little moment, the NXT star wins the title on Raw.

No one in the back cried such beautiful tears of joy when I beat your little friends Becky or Bayley for the SmackDown and Raw Women’s Championships. You know why? It’s because my success isn’t a “happy surprise”—it’s a guarantee. Alexa Bliss was born to be the champion, and here I am, the champion.

Sasha, when you win something, it’s an upset. A fluke. Because frankly, you’re just not as good as you think.

You were lucky you got everything handed to you in NXT, but those days are over. Maybe if I wouldn’t have missed months of time because you kept “accidentally” breaking my nose down in Florida, I would have made all those TakeOver cards.

... You know what, come to think of it, I’ve actually got to give you a little credit—you knew that if I were in action, I’d be in those big TakeOver matches, not you. So you took me out. Well done. I almost respect you for that.

If anything, I’m underappreciated by this company, and certainly by all you idiots. I’m an actual star, which means I don’t have to hang around some sad loser friend like Bayley just to make myself look cooler.

Earth to Sasha: we all know that your little “tough guy” act is nothing more than that—an act. Oooh, Sasha Banks, she’s so hard and edgy. What a badass!

Puhleaze.

Oh, and Sasha, here’s a little reminder about something that’s definitely not fake: the Raw Women’s Championship belongs to me.

When WWE gets its (kayfabe) worked-shoots right, boy does it create some compelling sports entertainment. This war between the two has just begun, and already it looks likely that the road to Barclays will be paved with material that seems destined to hit the heights of The It Couple’s feud with John Cena and Nikki Bella this past spring.

We are all blessed and The Wrestling is good. All Hail.

Cagesiders, drop your best lines for The Goddess and The Boss in the comments below.