WWE RAW (June 5, 2017) - Abridged

so at Extreme Rules KALISTO beat APOLLO, MIZ beat DEAN, RICHSASHA beat NOAMFOXY, DRIFTER sang, BLISS beat BAYLEY, KILTBROS beat HARDYZ, NEVILLE beat ARIES, and JOE’s #1 contender

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: I lost last night but imma still creepyfight Roman and Seth and Finn and Joe

suddenly ROMAN

ROMAN: I’m the guy, let’s fight

COLE: ROMAN JUST MARKED HIS TERRITORY

BEAR: ew

BRAY: sister ab-

ROMAN: cute, get outta the ring

BRAY: cool now please face in peril

ROMAN: must I

BRAY: you’re the face right

ROMAN: eh

ROMAN face in perils til

ROMAN: facepunches and such, time to overco-

BRAY: nah

ROMAN: but chestkicks and such, time to overco-

BRAY: creepycrab

ROMAN: um superman punch, now SURELY time to overco-

BRAY: nah

ROMAN: fine, spear

BRAY: I know better

ROMAN: then driveby

BRAY: was that a breeze, have a clothesline

ROMAN: ow

BRAY: sister ab-

ROMAN: nah, time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

CHARLY: hey Enzo, you got beat up a bunch, how bout that

ENZO: you’re hot but idk who beat me up

CASS: me neither but it DEEEEEEEFINITELY wasn’t me

ENZO: but Corey’s got the scoop

COLE: WHAT SCOOP IS THAT COREY

COREY: idk about a scoop, what’s a scoop, Extreme Rules tho

KURT: ooh my phone

BLISS: hey Kurt I beat Bayley so imma do This Is Your Life for me

KURT: nah This Is Your Life sucked so you fight Nia tonight

DRIFTER: this city suuuuuuuuucks

suddenly DEAN

DEAN: imma micpunch you

DEAN does that

DEAN: now imma fight Miz

MIZ: I’m on the tron so nah, imma celebrate things later

DRIFTER: also Dean dies

DEAN does that

DEAN: then imma beat up Miz

KURT: nah, leave

DEAN: k

OOH AAH OOH AAH etc.

JOE: I’m not scared of Bork but I wanna take his schedule and his Heyman and his belt

suddenly a human walrus

HEYMAN: Bork’s not scared of you but I am cause I’m Jewish

BEAR: hoo boy

HEYMAN: and you might kill Bork but he’s gonna kill you too

JOE: k but coquina clutch

HEYMAN: please don’t

JOE does

KURT: um Joe why

JOE: cause

SETH: hey Joe let’s fight later

JOE: k

SHEAMSARO: so who are we fighting

SLATERHYNO: oh crud, jobber entrance

SHEAMSARO: yep

SHEAMSARO kill SLATERHYNO

SHEAMSARO: we beat the Hardyz

UNIVERSE: neat

TJP: hi Neville, I want your belt

NEVILLE: k beat Ali and imma talk to Kurt

suddenly purple ropes, insert standard cruiserweight match with TJP and ALI

TJP: I win

suddenly NEVILLE

NEVILLE: Kurt said no

TJP: really

NEVILLE: no but imma beat you up

he does

NEVILLE: we fight for the belt on 205 Live tomorrow

TJP: um thanks

GOLDUST: i’m a heel with a movie gimmick

BLISS: hey Mickie and Sasha and Dana

M, S, D: bye

BLISS: wait but don’t you hate Nia

M, S, D: she’s gonna kill you, we’re gonna watch

KURT: hey Corey let’s chat

COLE: HOW VERY MYSTERIOUS

suddenly KALISTO

COREY: ooh Kalisto, let’s talk about him

KURT: ooh my phone

MIKE: hey Kurt, your phone, how bout that

KURT: nah

KURT leaves, suddenly DEAN

DEAN: now where’s Miz

TITUS: imma fight Kalisto

AKIRA’s watching on the Random Backstage TV cause reasons

TITUS: got your pants

KALISTO: nah, got yours, I win

UNIVERSE: but Kalisto’s face

BOOKER: turnabout’s fair plaaaaaaaay

REF: hey Cass got murderdeathkilled

CASS: and here’s the murderdeathkiller’s chain conveniently

ENZO: but we gotta fight

REF: get a new partner

ENZO: k

MARYSE: Miz is awesome

AWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: I beat Dean, thanks for the party Maryse

MASCOTBEAR: also I’m here

BEAR: get your own gimmick

MARYSE: but I didn’t get the bear

MIZ: then it’s obviously Dean

MIZ kills MASCOTBEAR

MIZ: wait it’s just a dude

suddenly a giant gift

MIZ: now this is TOTALLY Dean

MIZ kills giant gift

MARYSE: but that was a giant clock I got you cause you’re timeless

BEAR: fantastic

MIZ: then where’s Dean

DEAN: I’m the camera dude

MIZ: oh

DEAN kills MIZ

ENZO: HOW YOU DOIN, here’s my partner Show, he is very big

SHOW: yes I am very big

ENZO: hey loosen up

SHOW: nah JK LOL SAWWWWWWWFT

GOODBROS: cool well Enzo dies

ENZO: tag

SHOW: do you like beef

GOODBROS: um

SHOW: cause here’s some beef

GOODBROS: oh

SHOW: and an Enzo

ENZO: wait

ZO&SHOW win

CASS: hey Enzo I think Show beat us up

SHOW: but imma giant

TRUTH: imma beat up Goldust later

MIKE: hey Bliss, you’re gonna fight Nia, how bout that

BLISS: everyone hates me for no reason

NIA: hi

BLISS: have a slap

NIA: you dun goofed

NIA kills BLISS

BLISS: imma get outta the ring

MICKIE, DANA: hi

BLISS: hey wait a sec

BLISS shoves MICKIE and DANA

REF: DQ

NIA: well now everyone dies

everyone does

HEYMAN: ooh my phone

it’s BORK

HEYMAN: you should come beat up Joe on Raw next week

BORK eats every phone in Minnesota

SETH: hey Joe let’s fight

JOE: cool, have punches

SETH: that’s it

JOE: and all of my offense

SETH: oh

JOE: now restholds

SETH: have facepunches

JOE: but powerslam pin

SETH: nah, time to rally, imma dive

RANDY: stop

SETH: imma dive again

RANDY: STOP

SETH: imma dive one more time

RANDY: STAHP

SETH: falcon arrow pin

JOE: nah

SETH: facekick and top rope-

heepajowapajooWAH

SETH: k Bray where you at

JOE: coquina clutch

SETH: imma nap

JOE: they always do