WWE RAW (June 26, 2017) - Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

ROMAN: welp Joe coquina clutched me then Braun killed me so imma fight him with ambulances at GBOF

suddenly sirens

AMBULANCE: what cooooooould I be hiding

ROMAN: bet it’s Braun

AMBULANCE: nah

BRAUN: hi

ROMAN: oh

BRAUN kills ROMAN

BRAUN: wanna go for an ambulance ride

ROMAN: nah

BRAUN: don’t care

ROMAN does not overcome things

DRIFTER: imma siiiiiiiiing

THE BAR: us tooooooo

HARDYZ: nah

FINN: also I’m here

SHEAMUS: let’s fight, imma start

HARDYZ: gonna do hardy things

they do, so does FINN, ring gets cleared

COLE: OH HEY IT’S JOSH DUHAMEL, HE’S GONNA ANNOUNCE THINGS

JOSH: gonna do a WWE movie with Sheamus

SHEAMUS: um guys we’re fighting

JOSH: also imma direct things soon

DRIFTER: really beating up on Finn

JOSH: also gonna make a TV show

JEFF: gonna rally, please talk about wrasslin

JOSH: also I might wrassle tonight

JEFF: sighhhhhhhhhh swanton

JOSH: not gonna wrassle tonight

SHEAMUS: pin

JEFF: footrope

JOSH: wow

DRIFTER: Jeff’s in peril now

COLE: JOSH IS STILL HERE

SHEAMUS: dammit

JEFF’s in peril til

JEFF: twist of fate, tag

MATT: DELETE

SHEAMUS: nah

CESARO: also pin

FINN: nah

MATT: tag

FINN: yay, now imma...

RANDY: gorramit

FINN: ...dive and coup de grace pin

GOLDUST: imma say film stuff then fight Truth tonight

suddenly widescreen and GOLDUST his own camera dude

TRUTH: imma kill Goldust

GOLDUST: nah

GOLDUST kills TRUTH before the bell

CHARLY: Heyman, Bork’s here, how bout that

HEYMAN: yup

suddenly JOE

JOE: shhhhh not gonna beat you up but imma beat up Bork tonight

HEYMAN: cool imma go change pants

KURT’s got a bingo thing

KURT: hey Bayley, pick a ball

BAYLEY: I’m happy I picked this ball

AWWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: Maryse and I are totally cool

MARYSE: nah

MIZ: anyway here’s some Balls

it’s LAVAR and LONZO and LAMELO

MIZ: well hi

LAVAR: imma ruin this whole segment

MIZ: but

LAVAR: cause I’m awful

MIZ: um

LAVAR: gonna take off my shirt, let’s fight

VINCE: I think I found my soulmate

suddenly DEAN

DEAN: imma fight for the Balls

SLATERHYNO: also we’re here

MIZ: cool so are Axel and Bo so let’s do a three man tag match

RHYNO face in perils til

SLATERHYNO: gonna throw heels into heels

AXEL: doesn’t matter, Heath’s in peril now

so he is

HEATH: rally, tag

RHYNO: gonna kill Bo

MIZ: nah

DEAN: imma chase Miz

REF: ooh things are happening

AXEL: facepunch to Rhyno

BO: rollup

RHYNO: k

BO wins, pigs fly

ENZO: HOW YOU DOIN, I’m doin bad, hey Cass get out here

BEAR: this is a bad idea

here’s CASS

ENZO: k I know you hate me and you were right about what you said but you’re my brother sooooo LIFE

BEAR: this is a very bad idea

ENZO: wanna keep teaming so we can win the belt

CASS: shut up, you are annoying but also yeah you’re my brother so I’m sorry

ENZO: cool let’s hug it out

FRIENDS OF BEAR: awwwwww

CASS: SAWWWWWWFT

ENZO: YAY

CASS: an idiot says what

ENZO: what

CASS kills ENZO

FRIENDS OF BEAR: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

CASS: hey Graves I would kill you but Kurt said nah

GRAVES: k here’s Seth

CURT: also I’m here, totally got a chance, have offense

SETH: imma...

RANDY: you would

SETH:...dive and jumpy offense pin

KURT: k

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: imma creepytalk, you’re fake, imma burn you or somethin

KURT: hey Sasha, pick a ball

SASHA: I’m happy I picked this ball

HEYMAN: Joe isn’t scared of Bork, he cheapshotted Bork twice last week and is thus a moron, here’s Bork

BORK: hi

suddenly JOE

JOE: coquina clutch

BORK: nah

JOE: yeah

EVERYONE: NAH

BORK: all this appearing on RAW makes me hungry

BORK eats the whole Hollywood sign

suddenly purple ropes

LINCE: imma fight

AKIRA: imma watch from a purple VIP area Titus made

NEVILLE: imma fight too, have offense

LINCE: actually I can fight too, imma...

RANDY: this is too many

LINCE:...dive

NEVILLE: rings of saturn

LINCE: tap

NEVILLE: hey Akira wanna fight

AKIRA: yep

suddenly TITUS

TITUS: nah y’all fight at GBOF

CHARLY: Heyman, Joe choked Bork, how bout that

HEYMAN: Joe cheapshotted Bork, gonna be a great fight at GBOF

BLISS: hey Nia bet you get judged all the time just like me so good luck and stuff

NIA: cool imma win the gauntlet #1 contender match then imma beat you at GBOF

here’s that match she just said

BAYLEY: first

NIA: second

BAYLEY: have rope bounces

NIA: adorable

NIA kills BAYLEY

BAYLEY: somehow still got offense, gonna ropejump pin

NIA: nah

BAYLEY: have legkicks

NIA: nah

BAYLEY: then maybe a ropejump will-

NIA: it’s funny how dumb you are, pin

BAYLEY: k

MICKIE: third

NIA: eh

NIA kills MICKIE

MICKIE: but I can still offense, mick kick and such

NIA: pin

MICKIE: k

DANA: fourth

NIA: pin

DANA: k

EMMA: fifth

NIA: not even gonna wait

EMMA: me neither

NIA: you dun goofed, pin

EMMA: k

SASHA: sixth, have slaps

NIA: suddenly winded

SASHA: imma...dive

NIA: caught you

RANDY: serves you right

SASHA: who cares, have offense

NIA: have chokes

SASHA: have knees

NIA: have the mat, pin

SASHA: nah

NIA: WHAT

NIA kills SASHA

NIA: pin

SASHA: nah

NIA: GRRRRRRRRRRRR

NIA kills SASHA more

NIA: pin

SASHA: nah

NIA: DIE.

NIA kills SASHA even more

NIA: surely that did it, pin

SASHA: nah

NIA: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO

SASHA: have a knee to the face

NIA: ow

SASHA: standing bank statement

NIA: samoan drop

SASHA: yep but bank statement

NIA: tap

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: Sasha totally won

suddenly BLISS

BLISS: I have a belt

SASHA: and now you have a dropkick

BLISS: ow