WWE RAW (June 19, 2017) – Abridged

BEAR: hey it’s summer, time to be an intern

FRIENDS OF BEAR: we’re interning too, wanna share a house

BEAR: k but imma abridge things on Mon and Tue

FRIENDS OF BEAR: huh

BEAR: oh I do this thing for a wrestling site where –

THAT ONE FRIEND OF BEAR: you know it’s fake right

BEAR sighs deeply

BEAR: I prefer predetermined, wanna watch MITB

FRIENDS OF BEAR: whatever sure that’s fiHOLY BANANAS THIS IS AWESOME

BEAR: wait really

FRIENDS OF BEAR: WE WILL NOW WATCH ALL THE WRESTLING THINGS WITH YOU

BEAR: neat, time to abridge things

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

ROMAN: #IWinLol, imma beat winner of Joe vs. Bork at Summerslam

suddenly JOE

JOE: hi I’m Samoa Joe

ROMAN: nah just Joe

JOE: for that you die

JOE kills ROMAN

JOE: coquina cl-

ROMAN: time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

KURT: they fight later

UNIVERSE: k

HARDYZ: time to fight aGAIN

GOODBROS: k

THE BAR watch the Random Locker Room TV

HARDYZ: wanna do what we did last week

GOODBROS: k

insert standard HARDYZ/whomever match til

JEFF: tag

MATT: DELIGHTFUL

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: I give up

GOODBROS: cheapshot

MATT: ow

GALLOWS: pin

MATT: nah, tag

JEFF: swanton, pin

GALLOWS: k

BEAR: yawn

GOLDUST: i’m a heel with a film gimmick, imma face Truth next week

DRIFTER: Evansville sucks, imma tune things

UNIVERSE: BOOOOOOOO

DRIFTER: shut up, tuning

UNIVERSE: nah

suddenly

FINN

does

his

whole

long

entrance

FINN: hi

DRIFTER: bye

FINN: welp gotta fight someone

BO gets a jobber entrance

BO: I bo-lieve I got this

FINN: hilarious, lemme just-

BO kills FINN

BO: have a bo-rricade

FINN: k you’re finn-ished

BO: that was actually bo-rilliant

FINN: thought so

FINN wins

COREY: imma go backstage

COLE: WWE 2K18 THO

KURT: MITB was...neat

COREY: so about Father’s Day

KURT: um

ZO&C: hey Kurt

KURT: don’t tweet Conor McGregor Zo

CASS: cool but we keep getting beat up

ZO: I think it’s Revival

CASS: I think it’s Show

KURT: imma figure it out tonight

ZO&C: k

SETH: I’m on WWE 2K18’s box, I was a heel then I didn’t wanna be a heel and y’all forgave me so thanks

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: nah you’re still bad cause you’re being what the Universe wants

SETH: but I’m THE man

ROMAN: um

SETH: also you’re a coward

BRAY: very nah, imma come out and creepybeat you up

SETH: an idiot says what

BRAY: what

SETH frogsplashes BRAY

CHARLY: hey Finn, you beat Bo, how bout that

FINN: imma win the Universal belt later

CHARLY: Roman fights Joe tonight, how bout that

FINN: Joe coquina clutches folks but Roman’s a big dog

suddenly DRIFTER

DRIFTER: have a facepunch

D-VON: nah, leave

BEAR: UM

suddenly purple ropes

AKIRA: gonna fight TJP

suddenly TITUS

TITUS: join my brand, imma hype things

AKIRA: um

TITUS: LOUD NOISES

AKIRA: loud noises?

TJP: have my offense

AKIRA: have my offense

suddenly NEVILLE

NEVILLE: imma watch Akira

COLE: WANNA COMMENTATE

NEVILLE: nah imma slump in this office chair

AKIRA and TJP keep fighting til

TJP: imma go outside

AKIRA: imma...

RANDY: don’t you dare

AKIRA: ...dive then pin

TJP: nah

AKIRA: facekick and senton bomb pin

TJP: k

TITUS: yay Akira won, plus Apollo and I are gonna fight The Bar later

NEVILLE: shut up, imma beat up Akira if he keeps saying things

TITUS: Akira’s gonna beat you, LOUD NOISES

AKIRA: loud noises?

TRUTH: imma smack Goldust next week

AXEL: hey Bo you ok

BO: nah

MIZ: hey y’all are losers, join my entourage

AXEL, BO: eh

CHARLY: hey Joe, you’re fighting Roman tonight, how bout that

JOE: I beat Roman 4 months ago so imma beat him tonight

ROMAN: cool let’s fight, have a shoulder

JOE: nah, have mine

ROMAN: nah

JOE: facepush

ROMAN: you dun goofed, have a shoulder

JOE: ow, imma roll outside

ROMAN: then have more offense

JOE: coquina cl-

ROMAN: nah, imma samoan drop this samoan, drop

JOE: imma roll outside, have samoabeef

ROMAN: k can I overcome things again

JOE: you’re funny

ROMAN: you’re funnier, time to overco-

JOE: nah, imma roll outside, have samoabeef

ROMAN: but nah, time to overco-

JOE: nah

ROMAN: BUT I WANNA

JOE: still nah, have a coquina cl-

ROMAN: nah, pin

JOE: footrope

ROMAN: CAN YOU NOT

suddenly ambulance, guess who

BRAUN: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

ROMAN: um

JOE: coquina clutch

ROMAN does not overcome things

JOE: k bye

BRAUN: hi

ROMAN: welp

BRAUN kills ROMAN

BRAUN: you, me, GBOF, ambulance match

UNIVERSE: YES PLEASE

AWWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: it’s Miz TV

and there’s two FAKEBEARS in the ring

BEAR: gorramit why

MIZ: here’s Maryse, I have a bear for each of us, here’s bubbly, sorry for everything, got you a gift, it’s the clock, we cool

MARYSE: yep

suddenly DEAN, MIZ spills bubbly on MARYSE, MARYSE isn’t cool

MIZ: k Dean dies

MIZ kills CLOCK

MARYSE: bye

MIZ: now Dean REEEEEEEALLY dies

DEAN: dirty d-

MIZ: run awayyyyyyy

FAKEBEARS: yup Dean dies

BEAR: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FAKEBEARS are BO and AXEL, MIZ and FAKEBEARS kill DEAN

BEAR: now can the bear thing die plz

CESARO: time to beat up Apollo

APOLLO face in perils for a bit til

APOLLO: tag

TITUS: uuurah uuurah uuurah

SHEAMUS: very nah

TITUS: tag

APOLLO: various pins

SHEAMUS: various nah

CESARO: cheap shot

SHEAMUS: pin

APOLLO: fiiiiiiiine

SASHA: so I’m fighting Nia now

NIA: yep

BLISS: also imma watch

NIA: imma throw you around

suddenly EMMA

EMMA: hi Bliss

BLISS: run awayyyyyyy

straight to NIA

BLISS: hey Nia you’re really awesome and please don’t kill me

NIA: oh I won’t

BLISS: thank you

EMMA: I will

BLISS: oh

they all fight, suddenly DANA and MICKIE

DANA, MICKIE: we were feeling left out

suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: me too

everyone kills everyone else, BEAR is really confused

KURT: hey Zo&C come out

ZO&C: yep

KURT: also Revival

REVIVAL: yep

KURT: also Show

SHOW: I am very big

KURT: hey Show did you do it

SHOW: nah, also bye Raw

CASS: Show totally did it

KURT: hey Revival did you do it

REVIVAL: nah

KURT: so who did it

COREY: Cass was never attacked

CASS: but I was attacked

COREY: but footage says Cass staged it

CASS: ALRIGHT I TOTALLY DID IT PLUS I HATE ENZO

ENZO’s crying

CASS: I REALLY HATE ENZO

BEAR’s crying

CASS: I REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY HATE ENZO

UNIVERSE’s crying

CASS: HAVE A FACEKICK

ENZO dies

FRIENDS OF BEAR: the feels man, you didn’t warn us bout the feels

BEAR: wow yeah um