Total Divas Recap: Cats, Dogs and Pigs

The episode opens with Miz wondering “Why do I put myself through this?”

He is trying to untangle one of Maryse’s necklaces and deems that it is the hardest knot in the history of knots. IDK Miz I got a necklace with a knot from 2013 that I’m still working on.

Maryse and Miz have been married for three years and still haven’t taken a honeymoon but Maryse wants to take one now. Miz declares “My wife needs a honeymoon. The intercontinental championship can wait!”

Nikki and Brie are in NYC for Birdiebee meetings and pet agency meetings to find representation for their dogs Josie and Winston on social media. Yep. Brie tells Nikki that Nattie invited herself.

Nikk is annoyed because this is a business meeting that Nattie will be crashing. The agency tells the twins that if their pups Josie and Winston sign a yearlong deal, they can start doing anything from sponsored posts to book deals.

There it is. That’s how the world in 2017 is, or as Nikki says “our world is turning into social media world.”

Nattie shows up, whips out her phone and starts showing off pictures of her cat 2Pawz, including one where he’s wearing custom couture Versace. Apparently 2Pawz gimmick is that he’s super rich.

Nattie (talking head): My cat is iconic. He’s got his own T-shirt. Anybody that gets the opportunity to represent 2Pawz is tapping into some unlimited potential.

In a talking head, Nikki says Nattie is “beyond Dance Moms status. This is getting really intense and weird.”

Nattie I’ve really liked you these last few episodes but you are just 2damn much with 2Pawz.

Nattie to the agent: I’d love to get Pawz, like, a production company called, like The Lion’s Den or just something that kind of really can promote his ego.

Brie: HIS ego?

Nattie does a fake laugh then turns back to the agent and tells her she sees 2Pawz as being an entity or an icon.

Nikki and Brie stand up to leave for their next meeting while Nattie manically laughs at the table with the agent.

At a Smackdown Live in Birmingham, we see Dolph take on The Miz in an IC title match.

Maryse talking head: I love my husband Mike and I love The Miz. The Miz is this crazy character that’s larger than life, that says what he thinks, that does what he wants, it’s really over the top.

Maryse tells us they’re leaving soon for Exuma, Bahamas with Eva Marie and hubby Jonathan, who also have never had a honeymoon. She is looking forward to romance, sexy time, and walks on the beach.

Maryse, animal lover, has seen videos online of these big, cute, wild pigs that will swim in the water with you and that’s what she wants to do on her honeymoon. She admits in her talking head that most women wouldn’t think swimming with pigs is romantic but SHE does. She’s not like most girls. Eva tells the group she hopes they don’t see sharks in the water because she’s scared.

They pull up to their rental and Miz comments “I feel like I’m back on the Real World.” The house is beautiful with its own chef. I’d expect nothing less for the A-List couple, All Red Everything and, uh, Jonathan..

Since the grooms planned the trip, Maryse is hopeful that Miz has something romantic planned. Eva yelps “I want The Notebook!” and Maryse chimes in “I want romance, babe!”

Miz is planning on eating, drinking, and swimming. Maryse wonders when they’ll get to swim with the pigs. He takes the time to make a plug for his fantasy football league which is kicking off soon. I picture Zack Ryder and Dolph Ziggler in this league also.

Backstage, Nattie is showing Renee pictures of 2Pawz and sharing her dreams for a whole line of 2Pawz branded merch. Renee counters with pictures of her and Dean’s dog, Blue.

Renee talking head: Blue is the most marketable dog that ever strutted his fat little ass all over Instagram. He’s got the looks, he’s got the charm, he knows how to shake not one but two paws.

Two paws. 2Pawz.

A wandering Bryan refuses to answer if he prefers 2Pawz or Blue. Nattie states Bryan loves Pawz, but Renee points out that he loves Blue, too. Ladies, ladies.

Renee goes on about how Blue is the everyday man, he works 9-5 and does his taxes. Blue could so deliver 2017 version of Hard Times.

Maryse is ironing a shift dress and Miz says “no ironing, you don’t need to be perfect, you’re already perfect as is.” D’aw. A man who tells you no need to iron AND that you’re perfect? SwOoOoOoNnNnN.

Miz’s fantasy football league is about to kick off and he has his outfit picked out for that but doesn’t know yet what he will wear for dinner with Jonathan and Eva. Maryse tells us in her talking head she doesn’t understand the obsession with fantasy league. She also tells him she doesn’t understand why he has to do it tonight and he explains that with all the people in his league, this is only time they can do the draft. She calls it “meh-cho” and he asks her if she means to say “meh-cho” or “macho”.

He isn’t worried because “Babe I’m gonna make this the best week of your life.”

This is the week where Nikki will find out if she can meet her dream timeline of being cleared in time for Summerslam.

She is fervently hoping for good news and calls it a “make it or break it” moment. She comes back from the meeting with doctor and is ecstatic to tell Nattie and Brie that she’s c-l-e-a-r-e-d!

Nikki (talking head): I didn’t know if I really would ever hear those words that I’m good to go to get in the ring and get slammed. I’m on cloud 9! I’m cleared!

She’ll find out in a week if she’s “red or blue.” Brie and Nattie say that they think blue is a better fit but they’re not biased at all. They go celebrate Bella-style: with wine and champagne. Yassssss.

Nattie goes to visit Rosa Mendes, who is a retired WWE wrestler and ex-Total Divas cast member, Rosa’s fiancé Bobby and their baby girl Jordan who is THE CUTEST. Rosa is so clearly in her element with motherhood and it’s great to see. We learn that Bobby actually designed 2Pawz shirts! Nattie is excited that they sold 500 shirts in a week and earnestly tells Bobby that they can build an empire.

Rosa suggests getting marketing ideas from really rich rappers.

Bobby: If you get 2Pawz a gold tooth, it’s over, like, that’s it – he’s gonna be the biggest thing. That’s it.

Nattie: He has a little snaggle tooth.

Nikki visits the performance center. The trainer wonders ifs he needs a new finish and Nikki tells him the surgeon advised she retire the Rack Attack.

Nikki (talking head): The Rack Attack really defined who I was as Nikki Bella and I loved showing that strength as a woman with that finisher.

Bryan tells her she needs to talk to “Vince and Triple H and stuff” about it then makes plug that “there’s always gonna be footage on the network for, you know. So it’ll always be in history.” $9.99, Maggle!

IT’S BAYLEY!

She is squaring off against Nikki in the ring at the PC. Nikki tells Bayley and the trainer Brian Duncan that she will be working with some MMA girls because she thinks a submission will be safer. Bayley points out “there’s like two people that do submissions right now though” and names Nattie and Becky. Is she implying that’s enough? Or just noting 2 people who do submissions? What about Sasha? Charlotte? Did they cut you off? BAYLEY I NEED ANSWERS.

Nikki still isn’t sold on idea of submission because she was known for powerful moves, but remembers that her boy John Cena can win with either a finish or a submission so she’ll figure it out.

Back in the Bahamas, the couples are out to dinner. Miz and Jonathan are enthused about booking spearfishing trips. Maryse wonders about the pigs, Eva wonders what happens to the romantic honeymoon plans if Miz and Jonathan just want to hang out the whole time.

Maryse echoes many a better half when autumn rolls around: they want romance, not fantasy football!

Miz is hovered over a laptop in his jersey making his fantasy football picks while Maryse is strutting around in a robe. She sits behind him.

Miz (staring at laptop): It’s taking forever

Maryse: You don’t want to see what I’m wearing?

Miz: Yeah after this…

Maryse tells us in her talking head for her first night on her honeymoon she wants sexy time, but it just seems that football is more important.

Seven Cats

Dean, Renee and Nattie are out to dinner. What a crew. Nattie hails that White Wine Nattie is out in full force! I guess this is the new Brie Mode.

Dean: Oh no. Put the kids to bed. White Wine Nattie’s in the house!

Nattie asks the pair if they have seen her new cat. Renee is incredulous that she has a new cat and asks how many they have now.

The answer is seven.

Dean looks 12 here.

Nattie starts showing latest pictures of 2Pawz in outfits. She does however admit that Blue melts her heart. Renee thinks he should be in commercials. Nattie isn’t loving the idea so helpfully she tells Dean she will get him and Renee custom bedazzled 2Pawz shirts.

Dean: I’m not sure if I’m into bedazzling.

Renee then breaks the news that they’re getting their own shirts…OF BLUE. Designed by Bobby and produced by his company.

Who could have predicted this season of Total Divas would feature a betrayal by Rosa Mendes’ fiancée?

Nattie is pissed and Renee is confused. Nattie says Renee is jumping on her bandwagon.

Nattie talking head: I feel like Renee is not being upfront with me. I have been openly telling her everything that I’m gonna do with my cat, the direction that we want to go in moving his business and his entity forward.

LOL sorry I can’t.

Nattie gets up from the table, calling Renee “shady” and then “unstable.” Hey Nattie, DEAN is the unstable one. Get your cast of characters right.

Dean: That was harsh!

Miz Ain’t Gonna Get None, Ain’t Gonna Get None

In the Bahamas, Maryse comes down for breakfast and coffee, slaying in her swimsuit. Miz can’t get over how sexy she looks but she is Stone Cold Maryse, ignoring him, even when he tells her he got Odell Beckham Jr! Eva and Jonathan come downstairs and the ladies are in matching suits.

Maryse talking head: Last night he was just all over that fantasy football, so guess what? Today is a new day. And today you will get none, buddy. Bye-bye!

Jonathan and Miz are talking about catching fish and the women will cook them.

Maryse: Uh, I married Mike, not The Miz.

Miz: You married them both!

They’re on a boat for the spearfish trip putting sunscreen on. Maryse is annoyed they’re taking up a whole day with this trip when their time is already so limited. She wonders why they haven’t swam with the pigs and why she, an animal lover who doesn’t eat meat, would be forced to go on a spearfishing trip.

On Miz’s first few spearfishing attempts, he keeps missing. The A-Lister has a flaw after all someone tell @TMZ. Maryse finally decides that if they’re going to spend time doing it, then she might as well don a cap, flippers and try it herself.

Maryse (talking head): I dive one time, and guess what, I get a lobster. In your face, Miz!

She throws the lobster back in.

Back in Orlando, Nikki, Nattie and Shayna Baszler arrive at a MMA gym. Nattie calls Shayna one of the top submission experts in the world and “Ronda Rousey before Ronda Rousey ever existed.”

Nikki: I feel like a badass coming in here

Shayna: Welcome to how I feel everyday.

This scene is interesting. Shayna cites the “figure four hurts but the figure eight’s the finish” – never looked at it that way. Learning something right here on Total Divas!

Nikki says she wishes she could move like Shayna.

Nikki wonders if the submission moves are “Nikki Bella” because she was always the girl doing the powerhouse finishers and it made her stand out.

She is back at the PC locking up with Bayley again. She feels sad because she hasn’t found a move that feels right. She calls Brie – who is in her phone as Brizee – and Brie tells her that yeah she has to be safe, but don’t give up her identity, don’t settle because she’s Fearless [Expletive] Nikki. This clicks with Nikki and she determines once and for all that she is meant to be a powerhouse.

“I need to be who I really am. I need to come back and just be the powerhouse that I’ve always been. God did not give me these thighs for nothing.”

Brie and Nattie are in NYC. Brie tells Nattie she will be in Tampa next week and like a good friend, adds on that she would love to see 2Pawz. Nattie immediately assures her that she’ll have 2Pawz shirts ready for Brie and Bryan.

Nattie tells Brie about Renee potentially designing shirts with Bobby but then follows it up with “it’s not a big deal.” That’s believable! Brie tells Nattie it reminds her of Nattie inviting herself to the pet agency. A light bulb goes off in Nattie’s head that she’s mad at Renee for doing the same thing she did to the Bellas. Nattie concludes she and Renee both blow it out of proportion and Brie suggests putting Dean in a 2Pawz shirt as revenge.

^^^Blue’s response to the above picture. Caitlyn on the Case here folks.

Nattie knows she needs to make up with Renee because everyone is just excited about their pets and that’s just swell. She begins this process by telling her how much she hates dogs.

Renee: What kind of person doesn’t like dogs?

(a question for the ages, Renee)

Nattie: They piss everywhere.

R. Truth wanders by and Renee – aghast – repeats to him what Nattie just told her. Truth knows this ain’t truth and he ain’t having it.

Nattie: Dogs are disgusting!

Truth (whispers to Renee): CATS are disgusting.

Truth accurately points out that any scary movie has a cat in it. Renee questions if someone breaks into their home, what good will a cat be?

Nattie: Renee I’m about ready to rip you out of that chair and pile drive you!

Is there an apology here? Oh Wacky Nattie.

One last time in the Bahamas.

The private cook Shariqua: You girls look beautiful. How do you wake up this early and look like this?

Miz: Wait a second- you saw me first and you didn’t compliment how beautiful I am.

Shariqua: Today is not about you.

Miz: It’s not?

Shariqua: Not today.

What a queen.

It’s PIG DAY. Omg the pigs. The pigs are wading into the water and Maryse is flipping out. The pigs are all super friendly and adorable.

I love how much Maryse genuinely loves animals. She is pretty much melting over these pigs.

The show ends with Miz jumping off a cliff and the landing hurts his butthole. She calls him “romantical” then upon learning its not a word, declares it is in French. Atta girl.

Next week...the finale!

Is Renee Young my BFF yet: Losin hope.

Who was Mark Carrano's best interaction with: N/A for No Appearance.

Best Cameo: There’s a few. It was fun to see Bayley and every Dean cameo is GOLD AF, but I loved R-Truth so he gets the nod this week.

Grade: C