WWE RAW (May 29, 2017) - Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

AWWWWW SAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: it’s Miz TV, Dean’s a cheater, here’s the Kiltbros

KILTBROS: hi

MIZ: you guys are great, but the Hardyz suck

KILTBROS: yeah but the Universe likes the Hardyz so we’ll break em

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: oh dammit this again

MIZ: shut up, imma win at Extreme Rules

suddenly DEAN

DEAN: nah cause you all suck

MIZ: but numbers game

suddenly HARDYZ

HARDYZ: you were saying

they fight, DEAN and HARDYZ clear the ring

CESARO: welp guess we have to tag now

HARDYZ: here’s team extreme offense

CESARO: but can Matt face in peril now

MATT: sure

CESARO: great let me just -

MATT: tag

DEAN: imma kill everyone

CESARO: got your leg

JEFF: facekick

MIZ: distraction

DEAN: oh am I face in peril

MIZ: seems that way, member Daniel Bryan

UNIVERSE: YES

DEAN’s in peril til

SHEAMUS: top rope white noise?

DEAN: nah top rope elbow, tag

JEFF: here’s team extreme offense

finisherpalooza til

JEFF: swanton, pin

CESARO: k

COLE: hey Corey, Extreme Rules is Sunday, how bout that

COREY’s on his phone

COREY: bye

COREY leaves

COLE, BOOKER: um

COREY: hey Kurt look at my phone

KURT: yeah this is bad for me

BEAR: UM

DRIFTER: imma sing stuff

UNIVERSE: meh

JOBBER: hi

DRIFTER: yeah you’re dead

DRIFTER kills JOBBER

JOE’s just watching FINN’s entrance on the Random Locker Room TV

CARLY: hey Joe, you’re gonna fight Finn and Bray, how bout that

JOE: imma hurt Finn cause I know him

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: imma creepybeat Joe and Finn cause I gotta creepybeat Bork

FINN

makes

his

really

long

entrance

also here’s JOE and BRAY

FINN: so can we fight

BRAY: well you guys can

JOE: cool, have chops

FINN: ow, get BRAY plz

JOE: k

BRAY: here’s beef then

BRAY: beef

JOE: here’s beefier beef

BRAY: here’s beefiest beef cause top rope superplex to everyone

JOE: coquina cl-

FINN: nah, imma dive

RANDY: grrrrrrrr

FINN: do I face in peril now

JOE, BRAY: sure

FINN: jk imma beat you both up

COREY: Finn’s overcoming things

BEAR: oh no

FINN: coup de grace to Bray

JOE: sweet imma pin him

JOE wins, FINN does not overcome things

MIKE: hey Seth, you fight Roman tonight, how bout that

SETH: imma beat Roman cause I know him

suddenly purple ropes

SASHA: do we have to do this again

FOXY: I guess

NOAM: um actually imma fight Rich

RICH: k

NOAM and RICH fight

FOXY: distraction

SASHA: nah

RICH: pin

NOAM: k

RICH: hey Sasha let’s dance

SASHA: member how I had a MOTY one time

VINCE: no

CHARLY: hey Revival, Dash has jaw wires, how bout that

DAWSON: yep, we’ll be back soon

CHARLY: did you hurt Zo last week

DAWSON: SURELY nah

CHARLY: video says y’all were at RAW

DAWSON: Zo’s a tilapia

CHARLY: k

COREY: Cass saw that video

BOOKER: how do you know that

COREY: I know things

CASS: what things

COREY: um I meant Kurt knows things

CASS: k

KALISTO: time to do lucha things to Titus

TITUS: nah cause Titus Brand, right Apollo

APOLLO: someone kill me

TITUS: imma tightgrab and pin

KALISTO: k

APOLLO: but you tightgrabbed

TITUS: but Titus Brand

BLISS: here’s a table full of Bayley’s kid stuff, Bayley was a kid once

UNIVERSE: neat

BLISS: hey Bayley’s teacher, you taught Bayley, how bout that

TEACHER: Bayley’s dad came to school with her

BLISS: hey Bayley’s ex-BFF, you were BFFs with Bayley, how bout that

BFF: Bayley watched wrasslin and was a bad BFF

BLISS: hey Bayley’s actual ex, you dated Bayley, how bout that

EX: Bayley’s dad came to dates so we couldn’t kiss but I like BFF

BFF: yay let’s kiss

BEAR: all of this is bad

suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: k you die now

BAYLEY kills BLISS

BAYLEY: ooh a kendo

BLISS: nah I got one

BAYLEY: ow

apparently ZO got KOd again

CASS: gotta be Revival, where are they

KURT: they left but imma investigate

CASS: you do that

suddenly purple ropes

TJP: imma dab and tag with Neville

JACK: imma handstand and tag with Austin

insert standard flippy tag match til

AUSTIN: hey Jack and TJP, have a Neville, imma dive

RANDY: STOP

AUSTIN: last chancery

NEVILLE: tap

MIKE: hey Roman, Seth said some st-

ROMAN: imma beat Seth

CHARLY: hey Neville, you tapped, how bout that

NEVILLE: GUUUUHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHH

GOLDUST: still a heel

TRUTH: cool I’m a bad mothashutyomouth so let’s fight

SETH: maybe later, imma rollup Roman

ROMAN: really

SETH: well how bout a moonsault

ROMAN: hilarious, nah

SETH: but I’m quick and stuff

ROMAN: but have a driveby into the ringpost

SETH: ow, have a knee

ROMAN: neat, imma just throw you over the top rope

SETH: oh

ROMAN: time to overcome thi-

SETH: nah, have my offense, imma do a top rope jump

ROMAN: superman punch and pin

SETH: nah

ROMAN: then spear-

SETH: nah, superkick and pin

ROMAN: nah

then ROMAN and SETH do a bunch of spots, too much to abridge, it’s great til

ROMAN: time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things