WWE RAW (May 15, 2017) - Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: Braun got hurt cause Roman overcame him, new match at Extreme Rules for #1 contender with Seth and Joe and Finn and Bray and Roman

suddenly ROMAN

ROMAN: nah to the match cause I overcame things

suddenly FINN

FINN: nah to the match cause I never lost the belt

ROMAN: but Bork’s better than you

FINN: but I’m better than you

suddenly JOE

JOE: nah to the match cause ACTION

suddenly BRAY

BRAY: nah to the match cause I can teleport and creepytalk

suddenly SETH

SETH: hey Joe let’s fight

JOE: k

everyone kills everyone else

FINN: imma dive

RANDY: stop it

KURT: Seth vs. Bray and Roman vs. Finn tonight

JOE: um

JEFF: hey Sheamus, facepunches

SHEAMUS: hey Jeff, barricade

JEFF: imma face in peril for a bit

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: dammit people can’t be deleted, what do you want from me

JEFF: imma jump from high places

CESARO: imma distract you

MATT: nah

JEFF: swanton and pin

SHEAMUS: k

SASHA: guess I gotta fight Foxy again

FOXY: guess so

NOAM: also I’m here

insert standard womens’ match

FOXY: pin

SASHA: k

UNIVERSE: why

DEAN fights MIZ for the IC belt

DEAN: imma do my offense

MIZ: imma do my offense, member DBry

UNIVERSE: YES

DEAN: dirty d-

MIZ: nah

DEAN: then get outta the ring and imma dive

RANDY: STOP IT

MIZ: rope jump

DEAN: dirty d-

MIZ: still nah

DEAN: face elbow and pin

MIZ: stiiiiiiill nah

DEAN: how bout a rebound clothesl-

MIZ: skull crushing finale and pin

DEAN: nah, imma jump on you

MIZ: Maryse says nah

DEAN: jumping anyway

MARYSE: Maryse says nah

MIZ: oh then low blow

DEAN: nah, imma low blow

REF: dq

DEAN: fiiiiiiiiine

CHARLY: hey Finn, you’re fighting Roman tonight, how bout that

FINN: Roman’s a big dog but I own the Universe so there

suddenly BLISS

BLISS: Newark’s sweaty but I’m awesome

UNIVERSE: WHAT

BLISS: if you’re a failure say what

UNIVERSE: WHAT

BLISS: perfect just like me

BEAR: you said it

suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: yeah you’re awesome but I want your belt

BLISS: nah cause you’re not extreme

BAYLEY: what if I dropkick you tho

BLISS: I raise you a kendo

BAYLEY: ow

MIZ: Dean got himself dq’d

KURT: you fight him at Extreme Rules, Dean can lose the belt on a dq

MARYSE: imma say French stuff

KURT: the joke is I don’t get it

DRIFTER: hi

KURT: um

suddenly purple ropes, ARIES and JACK tag against NEVILLE and TJP

ARIES: offense to TJP

JACK: me too

ARIES: imma dive

RANDY: FREAKING STOP IT

AUSTIN: imma beat up Neville

NEVILLE: somethin with my stache

REF: I see that

TJP: imma beat up Austin

REF: I don’t see that

TJP: now imma beat up Austin legally

AUSTIN: but tag

JACK: throws and slams and dropkicks

TJP: detonation kick and pin

JACK: k

UNIVERSE: our chants say we don’t care

BEAR: well we all make choices

BAYLEY: imma ice my shoulder

KURT: hi

BAYLEY: no ice for me, also I wanna do extreme stuff to Bliss

KURT: kendo on a pole match at Extreme Rules

BAYLEY: k

TRUTH: i’m sad cause we didn’t win last week

GOLDUST: nah be happy cause we’re gonna fight the Goodbros

TRUTH: k

ROMAN: imma throw Finn around so I look strong

FINN: k but punches

ROMAN: samoan drop

FINN: can I just do things for a minute

ROMAN: nah I gotta look strong

FINN: have a post you jerk, here’s some offen-

ROMAN: have a barricade and a post

FINN: dude really

ROMAN: shoulder’s not strong

FINN: then stomp

ROMAN: superman punch and pin

FINN: nah, coup de gra-

ROMAN: nah, time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

BRAY: imma creepybeat Seth then Bork

CHARLY: hey Seth, you fight Bray tonight, how bout that

SETH: imma beat Bray then Bork

suddenly GOLDENTRUTH

TRUTH: WHAT’S UP

GOLDUST: this

GOLDUST beats up TRUTH

UNIVERSE: k

ZO&C: HOW YOU DOIN

ZO: i’m from Jersey

suddenly TITUS BRAND

TITUS: HOW YOU DOIN, Apollo’s gonna beat Zo

CASS: um actually you fight me

TITUS: but muh suit

CASS: SAWWWWWWFT

CASS kills TITUS

ENZO: time to selfie

APOLLO: an idiot says what

ENZO: what

APOLLO facekicks ENZO

BRAY: hey Seth have creepybeef

SETH: here’s jumpy offense and a barricade

BRAY: cool, you can have a barricade too

SETH: neat, anything else

BRAY: yeah, top rope suplex and pin

SETH: nah but more jumpy offense tho and a turnbuckle and imma dive

RANDY: STOP IT

SETH: let’s get back in the ring

BRAY: k time for more creepybeef, sister abi-

SETH: nah, facekick and slam and pin

BRAY: and nah

JOE: and hi

JOE kills SETH

BRAY: I’m helping

JOE: cool

BRAY: jk lol

BRAY sister abigails JOE and SETH

BEAR: oh hey Universe btw not abridging PPVs anymore

JERICHO: dude Bear why

BEAR: wait aren’t you touring with Fozzy

JERICHO: I can break the fourth wall down from anywhere

BEAR: k well the PPVs are almost all matches and no story so that’s why

JERICHO: fine but if I return on a PPV you better say something

BEAR: yeah imma abridge PPV wins/returns/story on the fallout RAW or SDL Abridged

JERICHO: neat, imma go play “Judas” for a bit

BEAR: it’s a good song