The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, aka the world’s biggest movie star, wants to become the President of the United States someday. That sounded more ridiculous a year ago than it does now, but Rock would be far from the first former wrestler to enter the political realm, and not even the first movie star to make it to the Oval Office, either.
However, having Rocky run just doesn’t seem fair, given he’s loved by the millions (and millions) who come out to see him wrestle or star in whatever movie it is he’s promoting this week. However, it would give the Republicans — yes, Dwayne Johnson is a Republican — an advantage that it just doesn’t feel like they deserve given the approval ratings of the current WWE Hall of Famer in the White House. And we’re all about fairness here in the wrestling world, lest we have to label anyone a heel for being anything but.
Plus, the Democrats can’t even dress themselves in the morning without screwing up and enraging their constituents, so Rock vs. the hapless dems would only be as entertaining as the former WWE champion facing off against some jobber in a squash. That’s just not good television. They wouldn’t even show that in any SmackDown Hotel in the country.
There is one way we can make this a fair fight, though, one with ratings and intrigue and backstory and the drama we crave from a political system that has learned more from wrestling than we might have ever known. We need to bring in the man who last put his shoulders down on the mat for a count of 1-2-3. That man is none other than John Cena.
Cena doesn’t talk about his politics much, in the same way Dwayne Johnson tends to be quiet about them. Cena, though, seems to lean more democrat than anything, especially given that (content removed)(content removed)(content removed) up, it’s been in favor of equality and diversity. (Okay, there was the time he supported Linda McMahon politically, but she is the boss’ wife.) Rock is no monster or anything, either, so this would be a battle of left-center vs. right-center, which could be boring and uneventful, sure, but that’s unlikely given the two personalities we’re looking at.
Rock is the sports entertainer of this or any other time. Cena inherited that mantle from him, and while his Hollywood footprint is much smaller to this point, it’s only growing, and he has the looks, charisma, and brain to succeed outside of the world of WWE. Also, while he lacks real military experience, Cena starred in The Marine and its first sequel and just starred in another military film, so, you know, there’s that. He’s like a Mark Wahlberg you don’t have to hate.
Cena isn’t without his own unique credentials, either: he’s the all-time leader in granting Make-A-Wish wishes, and it takes a strong individual to be able to handle such a difficult situation even once, never mind over 500 times. He’s famously pro the troops, which would certainly win him some love all around, and his relationship with Nikki Bella shows off a man who isn’t afraid of sharing the spotlight with a powerful woman.
These two also famously fought each other twice in the past — Once in a Lifetime at WrestleMania 28 and then Once in a Lifetime, Again at WrestleMania 29. While the matches themselves had some problems, the builds were entertaining, especially as we saw the two get personal and mean. And good lord does that play in a political race.
What’s the downside here, anyway? The great experiment is already a mess — both sides agree that things are getting worse, even if they don’t agree on what’s making the country that way. Rock is the kind of emotionally mature man that every other one should want to grow up to be like — he’s kind, he’s thoughtful, and he wears his emotions openly without worrying about looking vulnerable or anything but strong. Cena, well, we already ran through his creds. Neither could possibly be a worse choice than any of what we were just given to pick from.
And if Cena won? Well, the worst thing President Cena would do is bury an up-and-coming rival in some thankless, overseas job, or maybe he’d make childish, WWE-style photoshops of rival world leaders.
Cena cares about the WWE Universe and what they want, so we know he’d be open to our needs and desires for America. Sure, he’s a Catholic and only John F. Kennedy managed to make that work in a Presidential race before, but hey: JFK was from Massachusetts, too, so maybe there’s something in the water there.
Plus, you know Cena would challenge world leaders America is feuding with to one-on-one matches while talking about respect and doing things the right way. It might not be an era of peace, but it’s probably the closest we’re going to get. And his finisher’s name would never be more appropriate after an Attitude Adjustment puts the leader of ISIS down for the count or singlehandedly puts a stop to the ongoing war in Afghanistan.
And to think, we were once all upset that Cena took down the Nexus by himself.
Rock would probably give us some new-era fireside chats, except it would be over Facebook Live and involve an acoustic guitar while he lyrically roasts his enemies. We probably have to hope he’s being a little more Dwayne Johnson instead of classic Rock, of course, given the Attitude Era sure hasn’t aged well for a lot of really homophobic reasons*, but he’s a smart dude. He knows what the job entails and will adjust as needed. That, or he’s going to goad everyone else in the world into hating America, but they probably don’t need much of a push for that, anyway.
*Vince Russo has no idea what I’m talking about
It’s all fitting, really, to just have US politics go 100 percent wrestling when they were already borrowing from that world — hell, John Cena himself said as much last year. And hey, we’d even get to see an old wrestling standby in action when it happens. Donald Trump could be the last of the baby boomer presidents. He’d be passing the torch to a new, younger generation, whether it’s led by Cena or Rock. Hell, Cena becoming the face of WWE wasn’t even “official” until he took down Rocky, so this symbolism matters.
We just have to hope that, on the way out, Trump is better at taking a Rock Bottom or an Attitude Adjustment than he is a Stone Cold Stunner. We wouldn’t want anything embarrassing to happen while the world was watching.