WWE Payback (Apr. 30, 2017) - Abridged

BEAR: time for exams

EXAMS kill BEAR

BEAR: welp got one exam next week but my brain’s dead because I just took an exam so imma abridge things

UNIVERSE: what about RAW and SDL next week

BEAR: still nah, sorry

there’s a preshow where ZO&C beat the GOODBROS and MIZ talks to FINN, who cares

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

JERICHO: have some offense

MERICA: have a ringpost and a barricade and chokeholds

JERICHO: watch the throat, gotta sing with Fozzy

MERICA: fiiiiiine normal heel offense then

JERICHO: cool

MERICA: PSYCH more chokeholds then a turnbuckle

JERICHO: chop based offense, time to rally

MERICA: facekick

JERICHO: lionsault

MERICA: but knees and cannonball and pin

JERICHO: nah

MERICA: popup powerb-

JERICHO: nah, walls

MERICA: fingerbreak

JERICHO: imma break your finger

GRAVES: JERICHO JUST CRIPPLED THE NEW FINGER OF AMERICA

JERICHO: fantastic, walls again

MERICA: tap

KO is no longer MERICA

BEAR: welp Jericho, KO’s gonna kill you on Tuesday

JERICHO: probably, gotta sing with Fozzy

suddenly purple ropes

ARIES: normal zoomy flippiness

NEVILLE: heelish zoomy flippiness and also restholds

this continues until

ARIES: pendulum elbow and jumpy elbow and pin

NEVILLE: nah

ARIES: then rope dive and pin

NEVILLE: nah

ARIES: then SURELY coast to coast and sunset flip and last chancery

NEVILLE: ooh a ref imma grab it

REF: very nah, dq

NEVILLE: YAY I KEEP THE BELT

HARDYZ: our turn to fight

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: dammit I really need to look into this delete thing

HARDYZ: normal Hardyz offense

CESARO: uppercut

SHEAMUS: roll and pin

MATT: nah

KILTBROS: gonna do some quick tag offense

MATT: I can tag too, lemme do that

SHEAMUS: cool imma throw Jeff outta the ring and tag

JEFF’s in peril for a bit

SHEAMUS: imma kick out your tooth, tag

JEFF: adorable, have a rope flip and tag

MATT: have a turnbuckle, DELETE, side effect and pin to Cesaro

SHEAMUS: nah

MATT: rope jump

CESARO: not home, have a swing and sharpshooter

MATT: ooh a rope, faceboot

SHEAMUS: more offense and pin

MATT: shh but I quick tagged

SHEAMUS: oh

JEFF: swanton, we win

KILTBROS: well y’all are super over so gotta turn heel, post-match beatdown

KILTBROS kill HARDYZ

BRAUN: I am very big so imma kill Roman later

BLISS: k but first imma fight Bayley

BAYLEY: cool, big slam and pin

BLISS: nah

BAYLEY: yeah too quick, have you met the turnbuckle like 20 times

BLISS: I do not like the turnbuckle, have angry punches

BLISS does heel things for a bit

BAYLEY: time to do the rally thing, jumpy elbow and bayley to b-

BLISS: say have YOU met the turnbuckle

BAYLEY: I do not like the turnbuckle

BLISS: yup, pin

BAYLEY: nah

BLISS: ANGER

BAYLEY: macho elbow and pin

BLISS: still nah, you should meet the ringpost too

BAYLEY: I do not like the ringpost

BLISS: ddt and pin

BAYLEY: k

COLE: FIRST TO HOLD WOMENS RAW AND SDL TITLES SO HISTORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

heepajowapajooWAH

RANDY: hey limo driver, let’s go to this weird blacklight house near San Jose somewhere

suddenly a dilapidated tractor, BRAY’s in the house window

RANDY: imma kick down the door

it’s a pretty normal living room with a flickering light, suddenly BRAY

BRAY: imma beat you up in here

RANDY: cool, gonna go under the stairs to another room

it’s got dolls hanging from the ceiling

BRAY: imma beat you up in here too

RANDY: cool, gonna flip your table and go over here

it’s like a wood statue with some horns or something, idk

RANDY: how bout the kitchen

it’s a pretty normal kitchen

BRAY: imma beat you up in here too

RANDY: nah imma beat you up

BRAY: have an entire fridge

RANDY: oh

BRAY: imma take your limo, headed to the arena

SETH: well meanwhile imma fight Joe, have some facepunches

JOE: my facepunches are better

SETH: but can you jump and dive

JOE: actually yes, now imma kill your knee

SETH: alas my bad knee whatever shall I do

JOE targets the knee for like ten minutes

JOE: this is totally working, imma win

SETH: facekick

JOE: how

SETH: falcon arrow

JOE: wait

SETH: top rope frog splash, pin

JOE: k this is ridiculous, nah and have faceslaps

SETH: enziguri

JOE: this is dumb, coquina clutch

SETH: escape

JOE: k imma try that again

SETH: roll over and pin

JOE: clearly nah

REF: yep

JOE: WHAT

here’s the limo

BRAY: what a lovely evening, Randy’s under a fridge, imma go to the ring

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: in the ring, start counting

RANDY: hi

BRAY: HOW

RANDY: have a chair and announce table

BRAY: no seriously did you run here or

RANDY: vintage orton off the table

BRAY: did Taker give you his power to apparate, that’s gotta be it

RANDY: more chair shots, RK-

SINGHS: no

BRAY: sister ab-

RANDY: RKO

suddenly JINDER

BRAY: k NOW sister abigail and pin

RANDY: k

BRAY: but really how are you here

BRAAAAAAAAUN

ROMAN: shoulder’s all bandaged so I can overcome more things, have pre-bell offense

BRAUN: have some beef

ROMAN: imma dodge the beef, can I overcome things now

BRAUN: nah, here’s more beef

ROMAN: driveby and oohahh and ringpost and spear

BRAUN: nah

ROMAN: all the superman punches

BRAUN: triangle choke

ROMAN: could you not

BRAUN: k but running powerslam and pin

ROMAN: nah

BRAUN: k another powerslam and pin

ROMAN does not overcome things

BRAUN: also have some ring steps

ROMAN: imma puke blood

UNIVERSE: THANK YOU STROWMAN

VINCE: just you wait

all the REFS and DOCS get ROMAN backstage

BRAUN: more beat em up?

ROMAN: nah, gotta kinda overcome things so have an ambulance door

UNIVERSE: sighhhhhhhhhhh