WWE RAW (April 3, 2017) - Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/#ThankYouTaker

VIDEO: member how Roman overcame Taker then Taker retired

SMARKIVERSE: oh we member, ROMAN SUCKS

DUM DUM, DUM DUM, DUM DUM, DUMB DUMB

SMARKIVERSE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND SUCH FOR TEN WHOLE MINUTES

ROMAN: but I overcame things

SMARKIVERSE: GO AWAY

ROMAN: k

VINCE: dammit

COLE, SAXTON, GRAVES: welcome to Smarkamania, Hardyz fight the Goodbros next

entire SMARKIVERSE is BROKEN

HARDYS: doubleteams and bucklespots

MATT: also side effect

HARDYS: get outta the ring

SMARKIVERSE: DELETE DELETE DELETE etc.

VINCE: dammit what is “delete,” is it an indy thing

GOODBROS: doubleteams as well

MATT: oh am I the face in peril, how DELIGHTFUL

GOODBROS beat up MATT

SMARKIVERSE: F____ THAT OWL, OBSOLETE

VINCE: dammit seriously what is with these chants

MATT: tag

JEFF: time to do Jeff Hardy things

JEFF uses the steps to delete ANDERSON

GOODBROS: boot of doom and Anderson pin

JEFF: nah, twist of fate, tag

MATT: also twist of fate

JEFF: swanton

MATT: pin

GOODBROS have been deleted

suddenly purple ropes

NEVILLE: I beat Aries at Mania, imma celebrate on 205 Live

suddenly MUSTAFA

NEVILLE: you dun goofed

MUSTAFA: see I don’t think so

MUSTAFA flippily beats up NEVILLE

NEVILLE: well if you like flipping then flip outta the ring, also chinlocks

MUSTAFA: dropkick and further offense and pin

NEVILLE: nah, my turn

SMARKIVERSE: ooh a beach ball

NEVILLE: seriously guys

MUSTAFA: time for crazy stuff, how bout a top rope spanish fly

NEVILLE: that works

MUSTAFA: now various flippy ddts and pin

NEVILLE: rope

MUSTAFA: awwww

NEVILLE: rings of saturn

MUSTAFA: tap

suddenly a limo and VINCE and there are no more chances

VINCE: hey Smarkiverse thanks for Mania, some wrestlers get traded between RAW and SDL next week, something horrible happened last night

VIDEO: member how Steph went through a table at Mania

SMARKIVERSE: yeah it was great

VINCE: since Steph’s out here’s the new GM

suddenly TEDDY

VINCE: dammit Teddy not you

TEDDY: k

VINCE: it’s Kurt

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: damn true

here’s NEW DAY and their pops and it’s raining cereal

NEW DAY: hosting Mania was great but we wanna fight so open challenge

suddenly REVIVAL, they kill NEW DAY’s pops cart cause they can

REVIVAL: gonna hurt you for a few

XAVIER: but we’re the longest reigning ch-

REVIVAL: adorable, please die

REVIVAL kill XAVIER

XAVIER: well E needs to do stuff so tag

E: TRICEP MEAT and tag

XAVIER: buncha punches

REVIVAL: shatter machine

XAVIER: oh

REVIVAL win, they kill KOFI cause they can

KURT: hi Zo and Cass

ENZO: HOW YOU DOIN

KURT: fine thanks

ENZO: we wanna be tag team champs

KURT: k, fight Cesaro & Sheamus for #1 contender

ZO&C: SAWWWWWFT

KURT: that spelling’s wrong

BAYLEY and SASHA are tagging and also DANA’s there

suddenly EMMA’s on the announce table, she’s with NIA and CHARLOTTE, GRAVES is dead

DANA: imma wrestle

EMMA: hilarious, get out

DANA: fiiiiiiiine tag

BAYLEY: hi

EMMA: facepunch

BAYLEY: welp guess I’ll be your face in peril this evening

she is

BAYLEY: tag

SASHA: pin

EMMA: nah

general chaos cause six-man tag

SASHA: hey Charlotte, bank statement

SASHA wins

CHARLOTTE: hey Emma, Nia, you suck

NIA: an idiot says what

CHARLOTTE: what

NIA kills CHARLOTTE

SAMI: hey Kurt you’re great

KURT: you have all of the three Is, you’re great

JINDER: I’m mad cause I lost the Andre

KURT: cool you fight Sami tonight

BORK’s here and hasn’t eaten his belt yet

HEYMAN: Bork beat Goldberg at Mania and is very hungry, who should be his next meal, how bout Roman

SMARKIVERSE: VERY NAH

suddenly BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

BRAUN: nah, imma fight Roman first

BORK: fight me now

BRAUN: nah

CHARLY: hey Jericho, you fight KO at Payback but also tonight, how bout that

JERICHO: the Smarkiverse are my friends, the tip of KO’s finger just made the List

suddenly KO kills JERICHO

JOE: ooh lemme get in on this

JERICHO: hey Bear could you warn me next time

BEAR: dude breaking the fourth wall down is your thing

SETH: well Jericho’s dead but I need a partner to fight Joe and KO later

KURT: hold my b – I mean milk

ZO&C fight C&S

CESARO: offense

ENZO: tag

CASS: I am very big, have an Enzo

insert standard ZO&C match, ENZO gets beat up, CASS gets a hot tag

ZO&C: finisher?

C&S: nah, finisher

C&S wins

JINDER and SAMI have a fight

JINDER: I am angry so have some stairs

JINDER kills SAMI, bell rings, JINDER kills SAMI more

SAMI: exploder and helluva and pin

SAMI wins

here’s KO, JOE, SETH and suddenly FINN

SETH: knee’s pretty ok so offense

KO: nah, tag

JOE: punches, tag

SETH: tag

FINN: well hi KO, have a dropkick, coup de g-

KO: run awayyyyy

FINN: chasedown dropkick, hey Seth wanna fly

SETH: k

KO: hey Joe Seth has a hurt leg right

JOE: I think

KO: wanna beat him up

JOE: k

they do that

SETH: oh no my leg, it really hurts I promise, and so forth

FINN: dude just tag me

SETH: k

FINN: crazykicks for everyone, coup de g-

KO: nah, have ropes

FINN: slingblade

a finisherpalooza occurs

FINN: hey KO, coup de grace

FINN winns

SETH: we cool?

FINN: eh sure