WrestleMania 33 - Abridged

BEAR: k let’s watch a preshow but I’m only abridging the matches

UNIVERSE: aww really

BEAR: fiiiiiine imma abridge the rest of the preshow right now

RENEE: hey guys, some people are gonna fight tonight, how bout that

BOOKER, LAWLER/LITA, SHAWN: one person’s gonna beat the other one and it’ll be epic cause Mania

RENEE: k

RENEE, BOOKER, LAWLER/LITA, SHAWN: the WWE Network tho

repeat ad infinitum

BEAR: there ya go, this’ll be long enough as is

suddenly purple ropes

TOM: imma announce this with Corey

entire UNIVERSE swoons

some completely unabridgable flippiness happens, then commercials even though this is Mania

NEVILLE: second rope offense

ARIES: rather not, have flair chops, get outta the ring, have a moonsault, now pin

NEVILLE: nah

ARIES: k then more offense

NEVILLE: nah, imma suplex you directly on your head twice

ARIES: dude I just got back from injury

NEVILLE: k then headkicks

ARIES: did I stutter

NEVILLE: rings of sa-

ARIES: nah, discus five-arm

NEVILLE: outta the ring

ARIES: welp gotta pin you so get in the ring

NEVILLE: k but first my top rope stuff

ARIES: k now mine, and submission

NEVILLE: nah, eye rake, red arrow, pin

ARIES: k

BEAR: well that was fun

time for the Andre, everyone but SHOW and BRAUN gets jobber entrances, also GRONK’s here

BRAUN: I am very big, bye everyone

SHOW: what he said

BRAUN: hi Show, bye Show

EVERYONE: bye Braun

chaos ensues, a bunch of people are out

BING: I’m from China and also NXT

DOLPH: bye Bing, your turn Luke

LUKE: nah

MOJO: I am very hype

DOLPH: hi Mojo

MOJO: bye Dolph

EVERYONE: bye Luke

SAMI: bye Titus who is somehow still here

DAIN: I am a piece of beef from NXT, bye Sami

MOJO, JINDER, and DAIN are left

JINDER: imma beat up Mojo in front of Gronk

GRONK: you dun goofed

GRONK kills JINDER

MOJO: bye Dain, bye Jinder

MOJO wins

here’s the IC title match, sadly not a forklift match

BARON: I am very angry, have a ring post directly on your spine

DEAN: somehow not dead

BARON: have beefy offense and a barricade

DEAN: dirty d-

BARON: nah, rest hold

DEAN: k you have a ring post too

BARON: k maybe a top rope suplex

DEAN: nah, is there a reason for any of this

BARON: nah we’re both crazy sooooooo imma spear you into steps

DEAN: nah but you should meet them they’re nice, now have dirty d-

BARON: nah, more offense and deep six and pin

DEAN: nah

COLE: the WWE Network tho

BARON: pin

DEAN: nah

BARON: but THREEEEEEEEEEEEE

REF: nah

BARON: fine imma do that thing that always works, end of d-

DEAN: flip counter and dirty deeds

BARON: oh

DEAN wins

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/TINASHE/flyover/MANIAAAAAAAAAAA

here’s NEW DAY with an ice cream cart and swords

NEW DAY: we’re hosting Mania

E: yep gonna pull our levers all night long

NEW DAY: anyway it’s gonna be great we promise

OTUNGA: imma help announce Styles/Shane

UNIVERSE: not a great start, also SHUT UP OTUNGA

AJ: I’m better at wrestling

SHANE: but can you armdrag

AJ: um yes

SHANE: how bout sloppy offense

AJ: man that was so bad imma let you do those punches you like

SHANE: k

AJ: now imma dropkick you over a table so you can crazybump then beat you up and pin

SHANE: nah, have punches and basic wrasslin, pin

AJ: nah but here’s some offense

SHANE: nah but have like five MMA submissions

AJ: one arm styles clash, pin

SHANE: it was one arm so nah

AJ: k here’s a trashcan so you can do coast-to-coast

SHANE: thanks, pin

AJ: nah

SHANE: weeeeeeell insane table elbowjump

AJ: I’d rather not, phenomenal f-

SHANE: nah but shooting star press

AJ: k just so you don’t die, phenomenal forearm

SHANE: k

AJ wins

COLE: there’s some celebrities here cause Mania

KO gets his normal entrance, JERICHO gets a giant blow-up LIST cause Mania

JERICHO: hey Bear don’t forget my pyro and light-up scarf cause Mania

BEAR: well I don’t wanna make your giant List so what you said

JERICHO: thanks, hey KO wanna put on a wrestling clinic

KO: sure

they do that and it’s just the best

JERICHO: lionsault and pin

KO: nah but walls

JERICHO: why would you think that would work

KO: true, have a cannonb-

JERICHO: walls

KO: but I thought you s – ah forget it there’s a rope, now pop up powerbomb

JERICHO: nah

KO: LOUD INSULTS and pop up p-

JERICHO: codebreaker and pin

KO: ooh a rope, imma touch it, now apron powerbomb and pin

KO wins, time for RAW women

BAYLEY: I have all the wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men and pyro

NIA: I have a skirt thing but no pyro

SASHA: I have a fancy golf cart and pyro

CHARLOTTE: I have a peacock robe and pyro

BAYLEY, SASHA, CHARLOTTE: let’s all kill Nia

NIA: I am very big

NIA kills everyone

B, S, C: k let’s try this again

NIA: k

B, S, C: we did it

NIA: jk not dead lol

B, S, C: fiiiiiine shield triple powerbomb and let’s just ALL pin you

NIA: k

NIA’s out

CHARLOTTE: imma do that moonsault spot from last Mania except with a twist

SASHA: k let’s trade pins

CHARLOTTE: k

BAYLEY: imma just sleep over here

SASHA: have all the offense

CHARLOTTE: have an exposed turnbuckle and pin

SASHA: k

SASHA’s out

BAYLEY: yay I’m awake

CHARLOTTE: top rope moonsault, figure four and heel offense

BAYLEY: MACHO MAN ELBOW, OOOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH

CHARLOTTE: that’ll do it

BAYLEY wins

VIDEO: member the HOF induction

here’s the HOF class

COLE: Seth’s taping up his knee for later, here’s a ladder match

ZO&C: HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWWWWFT, etc.

CESARO and SHEAMUS have kilts and pyro, GOODBROS get an entrance

suddenly NEW DAY

NEW DAY: this is a fatal four way now, guess who’s here

suddenly HARDYS, entire UNIVERSE is BROKEN

MATT: DELETE

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: dammit what’s this delete thing

HARDYS delete everyone

GOODBROS: oh look a ladder

GOODBROS kill HARDYS, ladder-based chaos ensues

CESARO & SHEAMUS: swing and ropepunches and such

ZO&C: boots and air enzo

JEFF:

SHEAMUS: ladder?

GALLOWS: me too?

ENZO: nah, ladder?

CASS: imma help

SHEAMUS, GALLOWS: nah, have a ladder

ENZO: still ladder?

ANDERSON: also ladder?

CESARO: nah

MATT: ladder twist of fate

JEFF: swanton bomb from really high ladder

MATT: ladder, got the belts

HARDYS win, everything is DEEEEELIGHTFUL, YAAAAAAAS

AL: here’s Miz and Maryse and Nikki and Cena

CENA: BRRRRR APPLet’s run all the way to the ring

CENA

eventually

gets

to

the

ring

MARYSE: imma fight

NIKKI: k

MARYSE: jk lol here’s Miz

CENA: fine by me

MIZ: imma beat you up so you can supercena later

MARYSE: also here’s a slap

CENA: oh no whatever shall I do

MIZ beats up CENA

MIZ: ddt and pin

CENA: nah

MIZ: member DBry

UNIVERSE: YES

CENA: tag

MIZ: tag

NIKKI: offense to Maryse, rope dive to Miz

CENA: wanna doublepin

NIKKI: sure

CENA/NIKKI win

CENA: marry me?

NIKKI: k

UNIVERSE: dawwwwwwww

HHH gets a police escort to the ring while riding a giant motorcycle with STEPH

BEAR: well that doesn’t scream midlife crisis

here’s SETH with a torch, he makes the ramp screen turn into fire

BEAR: eh

COLE: Seth had a 103 degree fever today

BEAR: what a guy

SETH: pedigree on the table?

HHH: nah, ddt on the table

SETH: somehow it hurts more

HHH

targets

the

knee,

this

match

slows

way

down

SETH: my knee hurts but buckle bomb and flippiness anyway

SETH throws HHH around the ring

SETH: oh right I can use chairs and tables

HHH: nah imma hurt your knee some more

SETH: well here’s your sledgehammer

HHH: thanks

SETH: wanna kill each other and not use it

HHH: k

SETH: k NOW imma use the sledgehammer

STEPH: nah

HHH: pedigree

SETH: nah, pedigree?

HHH: nah

repeat a bunch, then HHH nearly runs into STEPH on the apron

SETH: let me help you with that

SETH superkicks HHH into STEPH who goes through a table

SETH: pedigree

SETH wins

PITBULL happens, no one cares

OTUNGA: I’m back

UNIVERSE: SHUT UP OTUNGA

BRAY’s here and so are all the phone flashlights, ORTON gets pyro and a ramp snake

ORTON: here’s all my offense and RK-

BRAY: no

suddenly the ring is maggots

ORTON: um

BRAY: my turn

suddenly the ring is worms

BRAY: I AM A GOD

UNIVERSE: oh

BRAY kills ORTON for a bit

ORTON: ring seems iffy, imma get outta there

BRAY: I WILL NOW GIVE CHASE

ORTON: RKOOUTTANOWHERE and pin

BRAY: nah

ORTON: finisherpalooza?

BRAY: sure

suddenly the ring is roaches

BRAY: now surely sister ab-

ORTON: RKOOUTTANOWHERE

ORTON wins but BRAY’s a god now so who really won

BORK eats his really elaborate entrance and costume and just gets pyro

GOOOOLDBERG, GOOOOOOLDBERG etc.

BORK: have suplexes

GOLDBERG: spear and spear and barricade spear, now jackh-

BORK: nah, F-

GOLDBERG: nah, spear and jackhammer

BORK: nah

GOLDBERG: oh, well surely a spear-

BORK: I can jump very high, have more suplexes and F5

GOLDBERG: k

BORK wins, moving right along to BLISS and the SDL women’s match

everyone beats up everyone else, BECKY kills everyone including JOBBER, BLISS breaks up some pins, NATTIE does a double sharpshooter, NAOMI dives on everyone

BEAR: well this is completely unabridgeable chaos

NAOMI: hey Bliss, submission

BLISS: k

NAOMI wins in her hometown, the UNIVERSE goes mild

NEW DAY are in suits

NEW DAY: hey Universe, you broke the Citrus Bowl attendance record, how bout that

UNIVERSE: well the pyro thinks it’s a big deal

suddenly JR because TAKER’s gonna fight ROMAN

ROMAN punches the stage and pyro happens

JR: mah gawd, Roman’s an athlete

GONG

then

TAKER

rises

out

of

the

stage

and

walks

to

the

ring

TAKER: this is my yard

ROMAN: yeah but imma overcome things later, get outta the ring

TAKER: k then have some stairs and punches and snake eyes and boot and pin

ROMAN: very nah

TAKER: k fine let’s do a table thing

ROMAN: oooh table thing?

TAKER: yep

ROMAN: k spear through table

TAKER: not what I meant

ROMAN: my yard now

TAKER: NOT DEAD YET

ROMAN: welp time to overcome th-

TAKER: nah, have a last ride and some chairshots

ROMAN: but muh superman punch, NOW time to overcome th-

TAKER: not even close, chokeslam on a chair and tombstone piledriver

ROMAN: nah

UNIVERSE: BULL

ROMAN: superman punch, time for me to overcome th-

TAKER: PSYCH hell’s gate

ROMAN: you’re just giving me more things to overcome, have chairshots and a spear

TAKER: nah

ROMAN: another spear then

TAKER: nah

ROMAN: dammit why can’t I overcome this thing

TAKER: because I am the freaking Taker

ROMAN: but I overcome things

VINCE: yeah Taker he overcomes things

TAKER: but Vince, you know me, you know who I am, I am the freaking Taker

VINCE: yeah but he’s freaking Roman

TAKER pauses, sighs

TAKER: fine

ROMAN: YAAAAAY imma do a bouncy spear, time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

UNIVERSE feels dead inside

after

a

while

TAKER

finally

sits

up

TAKER: There is nothing left for me here. I am taking off my gloves and coat and hat and leaving them in the middle of the ring, which means that I am retiring.

UNIVERSE: There is nothing funny about this.

GONG

GONG

GONG

BEAR: guys I – I need a minute