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Total Divas Recap: Lana Will Not Go Into The River

In which I write about a Total Divas wedding for the second day in a row! Blessings abound for you and me.

Lana and Rusev arrive in Sofia, Bulgaria for their second wedding. The pair were married in Malibu a month prior, but will be having a traditional Bulgarian wedding. Lana was in charge of the Malibu wedding and Rusev's mother Slavka is in charge of the Bulgarian wedding. RuRu is sporting a black eye but he remains handsome.

Lana tells Rusev that she's excited for her sister Hadassah to be maid of honor like she was at their Malibu wedding. Rusev responds that there is no such thing as maid of honor in Bulgarian wedding tradition. There is only a best man and he must be married so he can help lead the groom as an example, this means the best man's wife stands with the bride. Rusev's BFF Svilen will be his best man, so Svilen's wife Valentina will stand with Lana. Lana's like "I don't know her..." and Rusev is like, but this is how it works.

Rusev: You can't mess with stuff that's been here for 6,000 years, it's our traditions. We have a best man and his wife, Valentina, who is also going to be your godmother, so you should show respect.

Lana: This is not even funny. I just really want my sister to.....

Rusev: Okay no seriously though, I'm really done with this conversation.

Lana: I'm done with this conversation

Mature Rusev: No, I said I'm done first.

Lana: I don't like your tradition. I don't like this one.

Rusev: Well go marry a Greek guy then, maybe they'll change the rules for you.

All Health Everything

Eva Marie visits her family "from Concord, California!"  Her dad Barry has colon cancer and, on top of that, he just had knee replacement surgery so she wants to see how he's doing. As she walks in, he asks her to get him a "goddamn hamburger and fries from McDonald's". Hell to the yes! Eva tells him she can't be eating that, he has to start eating healthy, oh and when is her dad retiring because he's been working for 50 something years. She is dismayed at the unhealthy meal her mom serves and plots with Jonathan to start ensuring her dad starts eating healthier.

Eva: A new sheriff's in town

Mother of  the most stylish, elegant, bewitching, eternally beguiling, contentiously charismatic, and fantastically fascinating: A new sheriff's in town?! Uh oh! Where is he?

Eva: You're looking at her.

The next day dawns and she whips up green juice for everyone while her dad is craving some bacon and eggs. That's what I'm sayin.

Eva's husband Jonathan,  marketing the green juice to the fam exclaims "It's like drinking a salad!"

Barry: I don't want no salad in the morning!

(or ever, amirite people)

He tries it and is not a fan, exclaiming "You got enough broccoli in here to kill a rabbit!"

Eva's brother arrives and wonders why there is green juice on the table? He isn't a fan either and declares "Anything that smells like lawn cannot possibly be good for you." Barry bellows "Come on, man! Give me some sugar or something!!"

Nikki and Brie are on set for a photo shoot and Nikki gets word that they want her on the new season of Dancing with the Stars (DWTS). Nikki, who is always thinking of "how to make her career bigger", is super stoked about the opportunity and immediately starts dreaming of DWTS one night and Smackdown the next. Brie isn't really sure about this but Nikki points out it might make her comeback bigger and it's TWO platforms to talk about her broken neck. Well, yeah.

At a lunch with her family, Nikki is upset that WWE hasn't called her even though she's cleared by the doctor and is still really excited about the DWTS opportunity. She doesn't know what to do. Nikki talk about how good she's feeling and Brie wonders if feeling so good might mean it's time for a new chapter outside of wrestling. She also lends the theory that WWE hasn't called her and clearly doesn't need her might be a sign. My arch nemesis Brother Bella advocates for DWTS and Nikki's mom diplomatically says what most moms would say -€ they'll support her whatever she decides to do.

Lana, wearing a smart white suit, is going to get baptized in the Greek Orthodox Church with Valentina by her side as fairy godmother. Rusev warned her ahead of time she'd get a little water on her head. Valentina, and Rusev from way in the back, coach her through it. She winds up getting splashed with (and like, massaged) water all over face, head and neck at least three times. These are, like, medium splashes on Caitlyn's Accredited Global Splash Scale, but Lana was clearly taken aback by the amount of times and the amount of water.

Lana (talking head): Are you kidding me right now? It's not about that my face is getting wet or that my hair is getting wet. It's about that like Rusev did not mention this at all. Like, did he really not know?

Valentina then tells Lana that they are now at the part where the priest will cut her hair. Lana says "Absolutely not" and is furious with Rusev that he didn't tell her about this part. After people in the congregation plead with her as she is on the verge of a meltdown, mouthing to her mom how mad she is. Lana agrees after throwing out there that she respects the tradition but she just didn't know about it. They cut a very small piece of her locks.

Lana is pissed as hell and is a mix of anger and tears after the ceremony. Her mom tries to calm her down as she rants about how she kept asking Rusev to tell her everything that his beloved traditions entailed so she could feel prepared. She fumes "if his traditions are so much better than everything else, then maybe he should know his stupid traditions!"

Rusev does not see the big deal as she tells him she is leaving.

Lana: "They dumped me in water"


Lana: "They cut my hair!"

(a very small piece)

Rusev is upset that she threw a tantrum and she disrespected "this whole thing." Lana has a sidebar with her mom and weeps that she wants to go home and her mom says, and I quote, "Yeah but you can't."  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, girl. Or heels. Same thing.

Rusev walks up: Come on, we got to dip you in the river.

Lana tearfully tells him: I'm not going into the river!

Rusev and Lana's mom laugh but Lana missed that it was a joke. Homegirl is not amused.

Back at Eva's parents house in "Concord, California!" Eva tells us that her dad is infamous for sneaking around and smoking cigarettes and she's determined to find out if he's still doing it.  She declares she's going to do some "Nancy Drew shit" and goes into her parents room where she rifles around his drawer looking for his jeans to check the pockets, I presume.

Jonathan: What if you find his porn stash?

Eva: Ew!

Jonathan: Got to keep that marriage spiced up. You never know what you're gonna find in there..

Eva: Ew you're disgusting

Jonathan: You're the one that's rifling around in your dads underwear drawer...

Point: Jonathan.

Unsuccessful in their pursuit, they head outside where they find a cigarette butt in the backyard and Eva is upset.

Nattie, Naomi and Jimmy Uso land in Sofia, Bulgaria. They're in awe that they flew almost 20 hours over three flights. Nattie and Naomi are both bridesmaids but didn't know the other was one too and neither has dresses sooo they hope Lana has them.

Driver (speaks Bulgarian)

Jimmy Uso (nodding blankly while side-eyeing): You from here?

Lana goes to Nattie's hotel room and tells her about not having her sister as maid of honor then the baptism, which she calls "traumatizing." She recalls the baptism as being "pushed in the water." Nattie jokes that for all Rusev's surprises next his mom may want her to grow a beard.

(I'll give you a second to picture Lana with a beard).

Nattie talking head: Lana doesn't feel like she's in control. We all want to feel like we have a grip on our life, but sometimes I want to just grab Lana and shake her and be like 'Just surrender!'


Jonathan tells Eva even though her intentions to get her dad to slow down and eat healthier are noble, her approach comes off as bullish. Jonathan is wearing a baby blue tank that his wife's face on it.

Eva finds her dad Barry out in the backyard. In a nice scene, he tells her he is excited that she had a break in their schedule so she and Jonathan could come hang out with him. Eva tells him she's worried about him, she wants him to retire and enjoy life. Eva's dad tells her "you've got to give me time! I'll let you guys know. It's got to be on my terms."

Eva says in her talking head that it's tough to see her parents getting older.

John Cena is his natural habitat -€ in a suit, at his Tampa Bay compound, sitting outside with Nikki (presumably so they don't make a mess in the house, paging The Miz). He either says "what's all the hucklebuck" or "what's all the hullabaloo" you decide based on your preferences. Nikki tells him about DWTS and he's excited. She tells him about how she wants to do DWTS one night then wrestle the next. He throws out the idea that it's a lot physically, she may get injured on one of the nights and it'll jeopardize the other show.

Nikki is like 'But you do everything!' and he counters with 'No I don't..'

He asks her if he thinks she can come back and she vigorously replies with a yes. He then informs her that she then has to pick what is more important to her, because there's no possible way she can do both. She recognizes he's John Cena and he is correct.

Moonshine And Moves

Back in Bulgaria, the group is out to dinner. Nattie tells Lana and Rusev they're excited to celebrate "your lives together and this very unique and wacky world of Bulgaria."

Rusev asks incredulously: Wacky?

Nattie: Wacky in a good way

They are served drinks and Rusev tells them "It's not too alcoholic so you can drink it." They all take a sip, and wouldn't ya know. Moonshine. Rusev is very amused by his joke while Uso pays him props.

Rusev then stands up to address everyone, thanking them for coming and letting them know that next up there will be traditional Bulgarian dances and he has arranged for traditional dresses.

When Naomi emerges in her traditional garb, her husband happily exclaims to Rusev "Look at Trin! I love your culture!"

Nattie talking head: I'm wearing this crazy traditional Bulgarian costume, letting some Bulgarian man have his way with me on the dance floor, and going 'Okay, what am I doing?'

Lana is still upset about how the day went down so she and Rusev head outside to talk. Rusev tells her he's proud of how much Bulgaria she experienced except "she ruined half of it." Lana counters that he ruined it.  Rusev still thinks she's upset that her make-up got ruined. Oh Ruru. Run, boo.

Lana informs him that she just wanted to know all the details of what was going to happen so she could be prepared and he did  not provide those.

Rusev: It's not like I took you to a sacrifice, they just put some water on your face.

They do what all the Instagram and Pinterest people say NOT to do...they go to bed angry.

It's wedding day....again! Nattie goes into Lana's room where Lana is getting ready.  Lana tells Nattie she hasn't talked to Rusev since last night's argument.

Nattie: I know that feeling of not being control. I don't want to see you upset and I don't want to see you put your marriage with Rusev at at risk by not just letting go sometimes. I don't want to see you single because you can't let go and can't let it be what it is. I just wanted to tell you that because I care so much about you.

Lana starts to weep that she felt really bad after the fight with Rusev.

Nattie: You're doing yourself more harm then good sometimes by not surrendering. I think you need to be kinder to yourself.

Nattie takes her on the balcony where they're going to start letting it go and living in the moment. They hold hands, yell out loud I SURRENDERRRRRRR!!!!!!!! They hug. Lana calls it "liberating."

Lana (talking head): My wedding in Malibu was my dream wedding and now this is his dream wedding and I have to respect that.

Gosh. Nattie is so, so, wonderful. What a good person and friend. Be a Nattie.

Ballroom or Brawling?

In Phoenix, Nikki and Brie are out for a meal and Nikki is pointing out spots she wants to take pictures in front of.

Nikki wonders if DWTS is the next step for building the Bella brand especially since WWE still doesn't have plan for her.

The moment of truth arrives as she calls her agent. The verdict? She passes on DWTS. "I really want my comeback to be in that ring and nowhere else" she tells the agent, adding that she doesn't see herself any other place right now. Agent Man is a little confused.

Nikki (talking head): This opportunity was probably a one chance type thing, but WWE is my passion. I'm in that ring because I love it. Now I need to get cleared by WWE...

Nikki tells Brie she feels she has a lot to offer the women's division.

Good call as WWE was really missing that Bellahammer that only Nikki can deliver and we definitely needed to see that Fearless Lock on television.

Nikki: I'm a WWE superstar! *pauses* I have a headache.

Find The Shoe, Say I Do

Lana arrives at what looks like a new hotel to begin her wedding day with more Bulgarian traditions. A woman explains to her that Lana has to hide a shoe, and Rusev must first pay for her "because here we sell the brides". If Lana isn't happy with the price Rusev offers then she doesn't open the door so he can come in and find the shoe. Lana picks her sister and Nattie to be the negotiators.

Rusev and his groomsmen drive down street honking (with a huge bouquet on the hood?) as the show plays Rusev's entrance music omg omg omg. The street is filled with cheering people, RUSEV HOLDS A BABY, then makes his way into the building.

He arrives and pounds on the door screaming I WANT MY WIFE!

The women start chanting MORE MONEY in Bulgarian. "This is awesome" and I mean it.

There are tons of people in the streets as they get in a car and drive off. Then they arrive at the church and it is beautiful. Rusev and Lana each tell each other that they're pretty. I bet they do that a lot.

After the service, they head outside where they hold real doves and let them go (symbolic!)

Then there's a reception with a ton more dancing in the street. It's wild and wonderful and I'm into it.

Lana is thankful for everyone and everything and I am left wondering if any of my friends will ever get married in Bulgaria.

Is Renee Young my BFF yet: Bah humbug. Nope.

Who was Mark Carrano's best interaction with: N/A for No Appearance.

Best Cameo: Not many WWE supahstars in this one, so I'll say indirectly, it's Cesaro since he gave Rusev the black eye. But Rusev remained handsome despite it.

Grade: B+ for Bulgaria

Tell meee - would you have been interested in a Nikki Bella run on Dancing with the Stars?

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