WWE RAW (April 17, 2017) - Abridged

BEAR: hey Universe

UNIVERSE: hey

BEAR: don’t be mad but I have law school exams for the next two weeks, so no Abridged for the next two weeks of RAW, SDL, or Payback

UNIVERSE makes the noise they make when ROMAN overcomes things

BEAR: I’m so sorry, here’s RAW

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

VIDEO: member when Roman got murderdeathkilled by Braun

speak of the devil

BRAUN: member how I murderdeathkilled Roman

UNIVERSE: YES YES YES

VINCE: dammit

BRAUN: I am still very big

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

ANGLE: you broke all the things so Roman’s gonna fight you at Payback

BRAUN: k

ANGLE: now get out

BRAUN: nah I wanna fight

ANGLE: don’t care

BRAUN: k then imma break things tonight

suddenly SETH’s on commentary for JOE and JERICHO

JOE: chaaaaaaaarge

JERICHO: k but dropkick and pin

JOE: nah

JERICHO: but flippy Jerichoffense

JOE: kicks and rest holds and pin

JERICHO: nah but walls

JOE: hilarious, coquina clutch

JERICHO: tap

JOE: hey Seth I hurt your knee and I like HHH and Steph so imma beat you at Payback

SETH: nah imma beat you at Payback

GOLDUST: isn’t not dying wonderful Truth

TRUTH: sure is

suddenly BRAUN kills GOLDEN TRUTH, UNIVERSE rejoices

REF: hey Braun get out

BRAUN: nah

REF: k

GOODBROS: we wanna fight someone

ZO&C: HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWWFT, etc.

CASS: big offense, tag

ENZO: wacky offense, tag

CASS: moar big offense, have an Enzo outta the ring

GOODBROS: how convenient

GOODBROS beat up ENZO, ENZO tags CASS, CASS beats up GOODBROS, etc.

CASS: tag and kick Gallows and self outta the ring

ENZO: really

ANDERSON: yep

GOODBROS win

AWWWWW SAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: so we came to Raw last we-

suddenly DEAN

MIZ: wasn’t done talking

DEAN: O-H

UNIVERSE: I-O

DEAN: also Miz your red suit sucks

MIZ: but I’m awwwww saaaaaaam and you’re a disgrace but somehow you’re super popular but you were only on the Mania preshow

DEAN: see but I don’t care about that, I just care about wrasslin

UNIVERSE: this is the best promo on Raw in a year

MARYSE: hey Dean you suck

DEAN: k imma fold my jacket

MIZ: yeah Dean you suck

DEAN: an idiot says what

MIZ: what

DEAN beats up MIZ and some chairs

BRAUN: Roman is garbage so imma throw Kalisto into garbage

SHOW: hi, fight me later

BRAUN: k

suddenly purple ropes

TJ: imma fight Gallagher

GALLAGHER: k

NEVILLE: imma sit ringside so I can interfere

ARIES: same but imma eat a banana

GALLAGHER: rest holds and flippiness?

TJ: yup

GALLAGHER: dab

TJ: got your umbrella

GALLAGHER: this will not stand

TJ: um it will cause offense

GALLAGHER: k but headbutts and umbrellas and such

TJ: k but have an Aries

ARIES: hey don’t do that

NEVILLE: yoink

NEVILLE and ARIES distract REF

TJ: have a rope, pin

GALLAGHER: k

TJ wins

TOZAWA: hey Apollo you’re on Raw now

APOLLO: yep

TITUS: join the Titus brand

APOLLO: what’s that

TITUS: buncha lame puns

APOLLO: oh

ROME: hey Hardyz, you’re back with WWE, how bout that

HARDYZ: it’s pretty TREMENDOUS

C&S: yeah you’re great but gonna beat you at Payback cause no ladders

HARDYZ: nah

here’s SASHA, BLISS, MICKIE, and NIA for #1 contender

NIA: come at me

SASHA, MICKIE: k have a Bliss

NIA: y’all dun goofed

NIA kills everyone, BAYLEY watches on RANDOM TV

NIA: imma nap

BLISS: same

SASHA: hey Mickie wanna fight

MICKIE: k

NIA: suddenly awake, gettin Mickie outta the ring

SASHA: ropedive

NIA kills everyone some more

BLISS: gonna dive on Nia

NIA: reconsider

BLISS: k

MICKIE: offense to Bliss

SASHA: what she said, pin

NIA: nah

BAYLEY’s still watching

BLISS: hey Sasha wanna fight

SASHA: bank statement

MICKIE: nah let’s fight

SASHA: k

NIA: feeling neglected so Sasha dies

BLISS: kick

NIA: na – wait that actually worked, how

BLISS pins SASHA, is #1 contender

CHARLY: hey Show, you challenged Braun, how bout that

SHOW: imma fight him later

here’s RAW’s JOBBER

JOBBER: someone fight me

FINN: k

FINN kills JOBBER

ROME: hey Jericho, you lost to Joe, how bout that

JERICHO: well Tom imma beat KO at Payback and the Universe likes me so

ROME: I’m not Tom

JERICHO: you just m-

suddenly DRIFTER walks through

JERICHO: k Drifter just made the list, thanks Tom

BEAR: man Jericho imma miss you

JERICHO: aww thanks

heepajowapajooWAH

BRAY: here’s my umpteenth creepy promo, imma beat Randy at Payback

FOX: last week I got white stuff in my face

DANA: yeah that sucks

EMMA: Dana thought it was funny

FOX: Dana you suck

DANA: Emma you lied

EMMA: yup

here’s JEFF fighting CESARO, a HARDYZ match is owl-sponsored again

BEAR: someone’s trolling Impact

VINCE: hehehehehehe

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: see dammit what’s that tho

CESARO: how bout graps

JEFF: nah imma just throw myself around

CESARO: imma do that but with uppercuts, pin

JEFF: nah

CESARO: rest holds and more uppercuts

JEFF: rally time

CESARO: but muh flying uppercut

JEFF: top rope crazyness and pin

CESARO: nah

JEFF: twist of fate and swanton and pin

CESARO: k

ROME: hey Universe

SLATERHYNO: hey Rome, Rhyno has cookies, we’re on Raw now

suddenly BRAUN, SLATER panics, RHYNO drops cookies

welcome to Beefmatch 2: The Beefening

BRAUN: not even gonna wait cause I am very big

SHOW: I am also very big

COLE: THESE GUYS ARE VERY BIG

a large amount of beef ensues

BRAUN: wanna see somethin really beefy

UNIVERSE: YES PLEASE

BRAUN: top rope suplex

RING: very nah

RING dies

BRAUN: BEEEEEEEEEF