These pretty much speak for themselves, and if you want to avoid handheld camerawork or stretches of Alberto El Patron karaoking, we’ve transcribed the relevant bits for you.
Of course, then you’d miss Paige’s somewhat awkward reactions to her man’s latest anti-WWE and Triple H tirades. But, she must not feel too awkward, since she’s sharing these videos on Twitter.
Here you go:
Look how amazing our place is https://t.co/8FH5FROKNZ
— PAIGE (@RealPaigeWWE) April 14, 2017
El Patron: No, I’m not drinking, but even like this - sober - I will say whatever I need to say about that guy with big nose and no balls. It doesn’t matter.
Paige: I can not trust you on Periscope
El Patron: Now we have to do some Spanish. I know some of you are so dumb that you don’t speak two languages like I do. I’m sorry. Not everybody’s perfect. Now I know all the marks are gonna come and say “Oh, Alberto said we’re not perfect. Why’s he so mean? He’s a bully. What happened to your days with the anti-bully campaign with WWE?” [mocks gagging himself] Well, whatever...
Paige: Baby!
El Patron: I promised not to talk sh*t about that place anymore, and I will keep my promise.
After introducing their table-mates in Spanish, the feed cuts to some time later.
El Patron: So, we’re back. As I promised, I’m gonna behave...
Paige: Please...
El Patron: I’m not gonna be saying stupid stuff on camera any more. And if you’re wondering if I’m drinking? Of course I’m drinking!
Paige: He’s actually not. He’s actually very sick, he’s very congested.
El Patron: I’m drinking. No. Yes. [looks at Paige] Am I? No? [laughs] No, I’m not drinking. But I don’t need alcohol to say what I think about whatever I want to say.
Paige: No he doesn’t. He wakes up and says what he thinks.
El Patron: This is the best part. They were giving me sh*t because that stuff that I said the other day about Triple H. I’ll say that every single day of the week. I will say that to him! To his face! Like this [hold hand to his nose]... nothing down there.
Paige: I said to keep it to his Periscope.
There’s some time spent promoting the restaurant before Alberto segues back to his favorite topic...
El Patron: I’m not cheap like the new stars in that company making $500 per show. Good luck with that.
Paige: I’m gonna take him away from Periscope [laughs]
She again tries to wrap up and hype La Cantinita, but...
El Patron: I hope you guys watch Impact Wrestling. What a great show, right baby?
Paige: Yes.
El Patron: What an amazing company, right baby?
Paige: ...
El Patron: No bullsh*t...
Paige: Yes.
El Patron: They don’t judge you depending on the color of your skin like in other places...
Paige: Baby I still work there!
El Patron: No, no, I’m not mentioning any names. Impact Wrestling. They don’t care if you’re brown, white, black - they treat you the same. They don’t care if you’re from Mexico, America, China, Russia or any other country. They treat you the same. They don’t do that bullsh*t anti-bullying campaign, “No Hate” campaign. They, you have to...
Paige: Can I just say they call it “Perro-scope”?
El Patron: [laughs] “Perro-scope”, I love it... you have to preach with examples, Stamford. If you’re going to run an anti-bullying campaign, you have to stop bullying people. If you’re going to be running a “No Hate” campaign, you need to stop doing what you’re doing and judging people by the color of their skin.
The pair jokes about how many drinks Alberto’s had and Paige signs off, but not before her man ducks back into frame to say:
El Patron: Of course I was kidding. [laughs] I was kidding. Not kidding. Kidding. Not kidding. [looks at Paige] Maybe?
A second Tweeted session is all singing before they finally close the evening with a shorter video which features some karoake, but also one last speech from Alberto - who, sick or not, definitely seems to have been drinking - about Trips:
— PAIGE (@RealPaigeWWE) April 14, 2017
El Patron: This is my restaurant. This is my Cantinita. And I still believe Triple H has a big nose and no balls.
If you’re in San Antonio, this is the place to come. La Cantinita. Mexican place, my place. We are happy people, my wife and I - Paige and I. For all of you out there trying to break us: go f*** yourselves. Some people was saying stupid stuff about us, and about me saying stuff about Triple H. Triple H you’re a f***ing p*ssy, and I don’t have to be drunk to say this. You’re a p*ssy. You just married well. That’s all you did. You married well and you’re a p*ssy.
Come to La Cantinita and I’ll say it again. I don’t have to be drunk or sober. You’ve got a big nose and no balls.