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Miz & Maryse’s evisceration of John Cena & Nikki Bella from Talking Smack, transcribed

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, Miz was up to his old tricks on Talking Smack again last night (March 7). The “interview” Renee Young & Daniel Bryan conducted with he and wife Maryse not only built off his response from this week’s SmackDown Live to his promo duel with John Cena on the previous episode, but also included the comments which have once again raised questions about just how retired Bryan really is.

WWE released a clip of the segment (which you can see above), where Miz runs down all the things Cena has “stolen” from others - including the charge he “stole” Nikki Bella from Dolph Ziggler.

But the whole thing is remarkable - the latest example of Talking Smack nailing the “reality” era in a way nothing’s done before, and of Miz & Bryan being the stars of its kayfabe (unless it’s all a shoot) universe. In case you don’t have the Network, or haven’t watched it yet, we’ve transcribed the entire eight minute segment.

Check it out, as the clip - while great - doesn’t do it justice... and hides the fact Maryse is the secret killer of Team Mizanin.

Let us know what you think - including, did they go too far?

Miz: I’ll start it. Daniel, who has the authority to make matches on SmackDown Live?

DB: Me and Shane McMahon.

Miz: That’s it? So how does John Cena create this mixed tag match with him and Nikki and Carmella and James Ellsworth?

DB: So he proposed it, and then we made it official.

Miz: No he said “oh we’re doing a match” and then that match happened and we promoted it all week. It’s amazing to me how John Cena can have this much effect to not only the higher-ups but also the WWE audience - it amazes me. And now you’re going to sit there and say “oh you know, John Cena, he proposed it”. He didn’t propose it! He said, “hey, we’re gonna have a match next week” and then he probably texted you and said “hey, Daniel, by the way, I just created a match, hope you don’t mind. See you at dinner later”.

DB: No, he challenged them for a match and they accepted it, and we signed the match.

Miz: James Ellsworth DID NOT accept it. He didn’t want that match.

DB: Yeah, Carmella pushed him into it!

Miz: He did not want the match at all. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. The fact is John Cena created the match, texted you after, said “hey guess what? I did this. Don’t worry about it, though, because, we’ll see you at dinner later on”. It just amazes me how John Cena can spin everyone and manipulate and deceive people, and people applaud him for it and he gets patted on the back.

Like last... let’s talk about last week on SmackDown Live. He claimed that I steal my personality from people, I steal moves, I steal this, I steal that - I don’t know who I am. But you can make that claim about anybody! Any Superstar! I can do it about John Cena right now. You know, when John Cena first came to WWE he stole his personality from every white kid with an identity crisis in the 90s. He was a cross between Marky Mark and Vanilla Ice. But wait, there’s more! The Attitude Adjustment? Used to be called the Death Valley Driver, but John Cena stole it from Tommy Dreamer. “[GASP]...John Cena would steal a move from someone?” But wait, there’s more! He stole his girlfriend from Dolph Ziggler. “[GASP]...What? No, not our hero John Cena, he wouldn’t do that.” But wait, there’s more! He stole his last t-shirt design from a beer company.

But you know what? We applaud Cena, we love Cena because John Cena’s that good old guy, but the fact is he takes shots at me. That match that he created, with that mixed tag match? He did it because of me. You know it and I know it. He is jealous of my relationship, he’s jealous of all the talent I possess. And you look at me and I know what you’re thinking, “oh, come on, Miz. It’s John Cena,” but that’s the problem. Everyone just looks at John Cena in the backstage and in the audience and just go “it’s John Cena, he can do what he wants”.

During the draft, John Cena probably called you up and said “uh, listen, Daniel Bryan, I’m probably not gonna be around for six months, but listen, I want you to draft me to SmackDown Live and I don’t want to be number one, make me like around number three. Because number one, I’d have to be there everyday, but I’m not gonna be there everyday cause I’m gonna be the part-timer that I am, so, don’t worry about me”. I’m sick of it. I’m so sick of it Daniel. And you know it.

DB: Wait, what do I know? Because I know for sure he did not tell me to draft him at number five.

Miz: Oh, he didn’t?

DB: No, he didn’t.

Miz: He probably just told you, “listen, this is what’s gonna happen now, because John Cena wants this and John Cena gets what he wants. Because I’m a controlling egomaniac and that’s what I do”.

DB: Just a second [to Renee Young]. You know what I know? When we put John Cena’s name on a headline, more people come to the show. When I put Miz...

Miz: Because everyone believes in his crap! It’s all crap! What John Cena says is crap! It’s easy to sit there and say “never give up” when you first come to WWE and the Undertaker shakes your hand, and you got Kurt Angle going up against him saying “this kid’s a good hand, this kid’s gonna be pretty good, he’s gonna be pretty solid”. But imagine coming to WWE and everyone telling you that you’re no good! That in three months, you’re gonna be gone! Yeah.

DB: Clearly, you don’t know...

Miz: Yeah, it’s easy to say “never give up”... when you have adversity, when people are telling you and people are pushing you down, it’s not easy to give up, but I didn’t give up, did I?

DB: Clearly you don’t know the whole John Cena story, do you?

Miz: No, of course you’re gonna enlighten us with the... John Cena, that he is the prototypical of what every WWE Superstar wants, he talks, he’s got the look, he’s got the moves, he’s got the kids, he’s got everything.

DB: Nope. I will tell you this - that John Cena was this close [holds fingers close together] to getting fired, within a couple months of him debuting on WWE.

Miz: How would you know that? You weren’t even here? Because he told you that? Because he manipulated your mind while you were at the dinner table...

DB: Everybody knows that...

Miz: ... going, “listen, you need to sign a contract to be my friend, Daniel, because, I need to be around you, because I need more people like you because if I’m around you, people like you and then people will like me. I need Nikki to sign this to be my girlfriend, because you are a woman and as a woman...”

Renee: ...

DB: Wait, wait, wait just a second. You say all that, but never once have you been this close [holds fingers close together] to getting fired, because you’re a patsy for this company.

Miz: What? What?

DB: Yep. You’re a patsy for this company. You just tote the WWE line. Everything you say bad about John Cena, about him toting the company line, or being this, or whatever that? You are nothing but a WWE shill. Everything that you go out there and do. All the media, everything else that you do, nothing but a WWE shill.

Miz: I was a huge star before I even came to WWE, and if I wasn’t in WWE, I could go do something else.

DB: Like what?

Miz: The fact is I love being here. I could be an actor if I wanted. I could be a host. I love being here in WWE...

DB: Made to DVD movies?

Miz: Absolutely I could go do movies.

Maryse: How many movies have you done?

DB: I don’t do movies because I don’t want to be an actor.

Miz: You want to be a wrestler but you can’t cause of your head, it’s okay. It’s alright. It’s fine.

Renee: Can we just...

DB: I can’t, or they won’t let me? We’ll see in a year and a half and see what happens.

[Miz and Bryan side snipe at each other]

Renee: Miz, you said earlier that you think John Cena is jealous of your relationship. Why do you think he’s jealous of your guys relationship?

Miz: Do you watch anything he does? Like the promos that they do for Total Bellas or Total Divas? [Robot voice] “Nikki, I love you. Wait, was that correct? Did that sound good? Wait, let’s take one more take. Nikki, I LOVE you. Wait, nope, let’s do the third take. Thank you. Nikki, I Love you,” and then “that’s the one, that’s the one, that’s the one we’re all gonna take because that’s what we want to do. We want to make John Cena look really good on Total Divas.” It’s so robotic. Then you look at us...

Maryse: I think they’re a fraud. I personally think that both of them are a fraud, they’re plastic, there’s nothing real about them - everything they do is to elevate their brand. It’s all about that. It’s all about “am I gonna look good?” I personally think that he’s with her because he needs to make himself look good.

Miz: And having a relationship does exactly that. And why is she with him? Let me ask you a question, Maryse. When you were Divas champion - the longest reigning Divas champion - what was Nikki Bella doing?

Maryse: Well, nothing. She was a celebrity wrangler, she used to walk down the ramp with celebrity guests. Make sure they feel comfortable backstage, if you know what I mean. Bring them a coffee. And then, and then...

Miz: And then she starts dating John Cena. And what happens?

Maryse: Then she becomes the longest reigning Divas champion in history...

Miz: Ahhh... Opportunity...

Maryse: And then she gets on Total Divas, she gets six seasons...

Miz: Their own YouTube show...

Maryse: You’re gonna tell me that people want to see her that bad? Then she gets her own show, she gets Total Bellas, which she’s executive producer - she’s never produced a thing in her life!

Miz: It provides purses, shoes, money, power... anything you want... opportunity...

Renee: Are you jealous of Nikki Bella?

Maryse: Nikki Bella is jealous of me because I have this... [holds up left hand]... which she’ll never have.

Miz: That’s a hell of a ring! That is a hell of a ring! Any other brainbusters for us? Renee? Daniel? Anything?

Renee: Nope, that’ll do it. Thank you guys both so much...

Miz: Thanks everyone! Tune in next week for Talking Smack. It won’t be as good as this because we won’t be on it. See ya!

Renee: Thank you for joining us tonight on Talking Smack. We will see you next week... um... hopefully on a better note. [aside to Bryan] What’s the deal?

DB: I wish I could say more.

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