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Here are 30 things from Fastlane that lasted longer than Goldberg’s match

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WWE.com

Goldberg squashed Kevin Owens in just 23 seconds (0m 23s) to win the Universal Championship at Fastlane last night (Sun., Mar. 5, 2017) at the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

With that absurdly quick squash in mind, here’s a list of 30 things that also happened during Fastlane that actually lasted longer than the marquee match of the evening:

  • 8m 11s: A Jinder Mahal wrestling match
  • 4m 58s: New Day’s bizarre ice cream segment
  • 2m 45s: Entrance promo from Enzo & Big Cass
  • 1m 53s: The opening hype video for the Fastlane event
  • 1m 31s: Raw recap video of the Rollins/HHH talking segment
  • 1m 29s: Total time Big Show’s nipples were exposed during his match
  • 1m 02s: Stephanie McMahon berating Mick Foley on speaker phone
  • 1m 00s: Ad for WWE Champions mobile game
  • 1m 00s: Ad for WWE Network
  • 0m 55s: Introduction of the international commentary teams (Funaki, etc.)
  • 0m 54s: The time Goldberg’s security spent walking with him backstage
  • 0m 48s: Speaking time for Paul Heyman
  • 0m 47s: Austin Aries’ beautiful massive package
  • 0m 46s: Ad for WWE Shop
  • 0m 45s: WrestleMania is 28 days away
  • 0m 41s: Time Roman Reigns spent on the ground after being slammed through a table
  • 0m 40s: Replay of the Rusev/Mahal/Foley segment from the Kickoff show
  • 0m 37s: Jojo’s ring introductions for Charlotte and Bayley
  • 0m 35s: Big Show dragging Rusev to the corner before finally delivering the KO punch
  • 0m 35s: Time Sami Zayn spent wearing his hat
  • 0m 34s: A chin lock that Braun Strowman applied to Roman Reigns
  • 0m 32s: Commercial for Ride Along Season 2
  • 0m 30s: The replay of Goldberg’s victory
  • 0m 30s: Ad for KFC starring Enzo & Big Cass
  • 0m 30s: Camera time for Sheamus during Cesaro’s entrance
  • 0m 30s: Ad for Tapout
  • 0m 30s: Ad for The Jetsons & WWE: Robo-WrestleMania!
  • 0m 27s: Dana Brooke’s camera time at the start of Charlotte’s entrance
  • 0m 27s: The time it took for New Day’s segment to end after Big E started the “New Day Rocks” chant
  • 0m 25s: The time it took for Braun to walk from the apron to climb the buckle and pause before finally jumping

And here are some close calls that just missed the cut:

  • 0m 23s: Tweet ticker at bottom of screen during Enzo’s match
  • 0m 21s: Goldberg’s pyro and kicks
  • 0m 20s: Is that a banana in Austin Aries’ pocket?
  • 0m 17s: “Then, Now, Forever” graphic

There you have it, Cagesiders. Which of these lengthy segments actually entertained you more than the main event?

(Big thanks to Cagesider phlash74 for coming up with this idea!)