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Alexa Bliss versus the world: A ‘Disney’ story

A spin on the SmackDown Women’s Champion’s Road to WrestleMania.

SmackDown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss

Once upon a time there was a girl named Alexa. She was a girl from Cowtown, but had big dreams and wanted to see her name written in glitter among the stars. She journeyed at a young age to Swampland to follow her heart and earn her rightful place in the history books.

But her fairy tale wasn’t forthcoming down in Swampland, as she was overlooked for the more popular Equine Quartet. They made sure that Alexa never got the opportunities they were gift-wrapped. One of them, some Middle Management type, was particularly virulent—whenever Alexa even sniffed success, this loudmouth made sure to shut her nose.

But things changed in the 16th year of the 21st century. No one knew on that fateful July day just what was to come. Unbeknownst to all, the future of the Blue Land had arrived in a small package marked “Five Feet of Fury.” Finally she was away from the Equine Quartet—well, at least from Middle Management, Knockoff, and Personal Space Invader. She wasn’t lucky enough to escape Orange Troll.

Her path to the Blue Land’s hallowed Diadem was far from clear, though. A group of wicked stepsisters—including, sadly, Orange Troll—all had their own ambitions and would stop at nothing to keep her down. They were:

  • Orangey (Orange Troll—just, roll with it)
  • Glowy
  • Gaudy
  • Catty
  • Lonely

And then there was the buffoonish stepfather, Gnomey. His bumbling ways would be amusing were he not so eager to wrong Alexa, over and over. He had no idea how hard she had it—her trials and tribulations were surely far greater than whatever faced him, with his cushy desk job and fashion-lacking sweaters. What did he know of sacrifice?

Alexa Bliss and Daniel Bryan on Talking Smack @totaldivaseps

He colluded with her stepsisters at every turn to deny Alexa her dreams. She was, as they say, up against it. But quickly Alexa proved her mettle, and her superiority to Orangey, when she gave herself a sweet day of birth victory treat over her old nemesis. Things were looking up—for a time.

The Blue Land was to crown its inaugural Belle of the Ball at the Blue Gala in Richmond. I will carry the day and take what is mine, Alexa thought. Sadly, the stepsisters ganged up against her right from the start. She had no chance. She was humiliated, but most of all she was angry. She vowed that she would give all her stepsisters their deserved comeuppance. To make matters worse, it was Orange Troll who emerged from Richmond with the Diadem.

I can use this anger, she said. Alexa was determined to turn it into fuel, as motivation to put all her stepsisters in their proper place. She began to rally the people to her side with a series of inspirational speeches espousing her virtues and exposing her enemies. Her cause gained momentum when she used the stepsisters’ internal strife against them—thoroughly outsmarting Gaudy in the process—and recorded an important victory that placed her first in line for Orangey’s Diadem.

The hardest task remained, however. Orangey avoided the contest for weeks on end, clearly afraid that her day was due. But the troll had clearly paid off all and sundry from her pot of gold, and Alexa was swindled in Glasgow. Only righteous indignation would earn Alexa another chance—her cause so just that even Gnomey could not deny her a fair opportunity.

Alexa achieved her dream at the Blue Furniture Gala in Dallas, vanquishing the Orange Troll and winning the Diadem. Whereas Orangey attempted to resort to sheer thuggery—learned no doubt in some Dublin back alley—Alexa used her wits to trick the oaf and bomb her through a table with power. She was now the Belle of the Ball.

Alexa Bliss @totaldivaseps

Even after Alexa won the Diadem, Orange Troll would not go away. Her rival, in alliance with Gnomey, was given chance after chance to take away what was now rightfully Alexa’s. To make matters worse, Alexa was clearly injured in Dallas, but neither the trainers nor Gnomey believed this obvious truth. Seeing a chance to quickly take the Diadem away from her, they tried to force her to perform injured—but again she proved too smart for her array of enemies.

Alexa recruited an ally of her own, Crazy, who made things right—sometimes injustice must be handled in unsavory ways. Surely bringing a heroine out of mothballs was the cleanest way to go about it. It was downright saintly compared to Gnomey and Orangey’s ways. With Crazy’s help, Alexa put her archival down for good in a cage of steel.

She barely had a moment of respite before the next pretender to the throne emerged. Glowy, who had been absent for months, reappeared to challenge anyone in the locker room. Alexa, being the generous Belle of the Ball that she is, warmly welcomed her back to the Blue Land. But all Glowy wanted was the Diadem. Alexa’s kindness was used against her, and after a serious of unfortunate events, Glowy was named the top contender to Alexa’s Diadem.

Tragedy struck in The City That Should Not Exist Because It Wastes Too Much Water (that’s actually its official name). Alexa, who had not been sleeping well—which surely was the result of some devious plot—was off her game. Glowy fluked her way into an undeserved victory.

Determined not to let this setback keep her down, Alexa demanded her contractually-protected do-over. But just like Orangey had before her, Glowy suddenly developed an ailment.

Cowards, the lot of them.

But karma quickly struck Glowy, because her “injury” gambit forced her to relinquish the title. Alexa, forever good-hearted, offered her sincerest condolences to Glowy in person. It is rightfully my title, she then reminded Gnomey—so I will graciously accept it back. But, as always, he gave Orangey yet another undeserved opportunity. Just as before, though, Alexa easily dispatched of the Irish who Ires.

But Alexa had not a moment to rest before Gnomey would rear his head once more. At long last, there were no worthy challengers to the Diadem. But despite this truth, he used his mass manipulation tactics to convince the people of Blue Land that what they wanted was to see Alexa face the stepsisters (sans Lonely, but including Crazy, who had of course betrayed Alexa) at the upcoming Greatest of Galas in Swampland. He was so eager to see her stripped of her honors that he allowed any willing participant to challenge for the Diadem.

SmackDown Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss @totaldivaseps

Unfortunately, only five days before Swampland, Glowy returned in “convenient” circumstances. Alexa’s task got that much harder.

The location of this Greatest of Galas seems apropos, given it is the site of her initial struggles and—worse—the home of Glowy. But Alexa was no longer the naive little girl she once was. She had no doubt she would win and prove to everyone in Swampland—all the stepsisters, Gnomey, even the rest of the Equine Quartet—and all other Magical Kingdoms that she was the star she always dreamed of being.

I’m Alexa, she thought—which means I’m better than you.

To Be Continued... (maybe)

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