Vince McMahon’s letter to Santa (2017 edition)

Editor’s note: Obviously, this is fictional and satirical. We don’t have access to Vince McMahon’s personal correspondence. We don’t even know if the Chairman still believes in Santa Claus...

It's that time of year again, and just like children all over the world will be putting crayon to construction paper and writing their wish-list for Kris Kringle, over in Connecticut (just above Stamford; just a little below zero) a child-like individual is up in his room with his weird dinosaur fossil drafting his own letter to Santa.

Fortunately for you, loyal Cagesiders, we have the inside scoop. Presenting...

VINCE McMAHON'S LETTER TO SANTA

It's joyful and triumphant.

Let's dig in...

*****

Dear Santa,

As you know WWE has experienced a year of tremendous growth in 2017. Our brand has expanded to new territories and markets and our flagship program, WWE Monday Night Raw, continues to be among the highest rated programs on television.

I hear Smackdown is doing well too, and something called “Inextee” is apparently chugging along from their territory in central Missouri I think. It may be Ohio, I really can’t recall.

Rest assured that everyone here in Stamford is working extremely hard to ensure that the WWE Network is made available to all North Pole residents. Our goal is for it to be available by quarter three, 2018. You'll soon be able to enjoy all your favorite match-ups as well as our acclaimed original programming.

Also please send us any North Pole resident that we can push to the top of the card in advance of our Network reaching your area. He doesn’t have to be popular, or even talented. We’ll take care of it.

Based on the survey you filled out last year, you indicated some of your favorite moments in sports entertainment history included Dusty Rhodes’ “hard times” promo, Mick Foley vs Vader from something called a “WCW Saturday Night” and AJ Styles vs Kurt Angle at...what the heck is TNA Genesis? Is that an Old Testament porn thing?

You do you Santa.

If you like Dusty Rhodes, you’ll love him at WrestleMania VI. He’ll make you believe a man can wear polkadots! If it’s Vader you love, well he had a whizbang run with the WWE back in 1996. Highlights of both can be found on the WWE Network (coming soon to your region!). Kurt Angle is also a regular feature on Monday Night Raw and AJ Styles shows up on dual-branded PPVs from time to time too!

I could go on and on but I'd be remiss not to mention our great original programming. Reruns of Total Bellas and WWE Tough Enough are just a click away, as is Camp WWE, a show that should have been up for an Emmy were it not for their long-standing grudge against us. We've been fighting those kinds of battles for years, going back to the World Bodybuilding Federation and the XFL; great ideas that weren't given a chance to succeed.

But I digress.

The real reason I'm writing to you is because, as you know, it's almost Christmas. And since I can guarantee that the WWE Network will soon be in your living room next year, I thought maybe you could guarantee a few things would be in my living room this year.

In my business we call that "a deal."

With that said I won't take any more of your time. I'll just leave you with a very simple list of demands things I'd like to have this year.

Thanking you in advance,

Vincent Kennedy McMahon,

Chairman and CEO, WWE

I want a gift certificate to men’s monthly pyrotechnics.

Have you seen the price for indoor fireworks these days? It’s highway robbery! Do you realize how silly Brock Lesnar looks doing that weird thrusting motion/screaming thing he does without an arena-shattering kaboom happening concurrently?

I want Neville to come around to my Captain Hook and Mr. Smee idea.

As of right now I’ve got Paul Burchill lined up for a big Royal Rumble return, I’ve got Hornswoggle down to play Pan, and I’ve almost convinced Trish Stratus to put on a ballerina outfit and some paper machete wings. All I need is a Smee. Tell me Neville’s not a Smee!

I want Shelton Benjamin to stop saying “Turner? I don’t even know her!” whenever I walk into a room.

I feel like it’s an inside joke that no one has filled me in on and I’m this close to pairing him up with Goldust again and making him say “what’s up” a hundred times before each match.

I want to know what an “ogmented realty” is

and if there’s a substandard knock-off I can invest in and pimp on our family of programs for six months before I lose interest. Is it a real estate thing? I’m afraid to ask Paul because he laughed at me last month when I asked who this “Alexa” was and why, if she was so great, we didn’t have her doing backstage interviews.

I want that pony I didn’t get last year.

What’s up with my pony? How hard is it to get a pony?

I want Chris Jericho to come back.

Don’t tell him I miss him but he was always my favorite in the Attitude Era, I just never knew how to say it. He’s off in some foreign country now and I worry I may never see him again. I didn’t even know there was a “New” Japan. Do you think they have the interwebs and $9.99 a month to spend?

I want Brock Lesnar to remember he knows more than two moves.

Wasn’t he an NCAA champion? Is it Heyman? He’s probably telling him to tone it down as a negotiating tactic. Well he can forget it! I pay him six million dollars and all the raw caribou he can eat. It’s bad enough I wasted five million dollars breeding those genetically-engineered dinosaurs for him to hunt, I’m not paying him another dime till he remembers how to snapmare.

Also I want Paul Heyman to be gentle on Roman Reigns when WrestleMania season comes up.

He’s fragile.

Also Also I want WrestleMania season to be a real “season,”

enjoyed with Wrestling carols, wrestling-themed movies (starring The Miz), Bray Wyatt in a red suit breaking into peoples houses at night, gifts left for children inside little rings under a bronze statue of Hulk Hogan (or just a statue of Hulk Hogan, same thing); why should you get the most wonderful time of the year!?

Really more than anything I just want my kids to be happy and healthy,

and to finally agree to that incest angle I’ve been spit-balling for two decades now.

That's a lot to sort through and I know I can't get everything I want, but I don't think you'll find any unreasonable demands here. Remember that the WWE Network will only be $9.99 but you can get your first month free to enjoy all our great specials like "The Best of Bobby Lashley" and "WWE 24: Why Jeff Jarrett will never work in this business again."

I look forward to seeing your presentation on Christmas morning.

PS: Sorry about that one time.

Sincerely yours,

VKM