New Day (c) vs. The Club
Tag Team Championship match
If you were to describe this heated rivalry in one word, it’d be this one: Balls. Here are a handful more so you get the drift: Nuts, testicles, fruits, bollocks, rocks, jewels, cohones, nads.
OK, I think we’re good.
This feuds started on Aug. 1 when the New Day got a quick victory over Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows in a non-title match. The Club did not take this loss well and wreaked havoc on the New Day. Big E took the brunt of it when the pulled him groin first into the corner turnbuckle, splitting the uprights, possibly causing a significant testicular injury. Here this rivalry was born.
Now, obviously, this match isn’t just about Big E’s sperm factories.... It may be about his penis too.
After the injury, Big E tweeted this:
.@LukeGallowsWWE @KarlAndersonWWE I swear on everything if y'all damaged my deal...— ShinigamE (@WWEBigE) August 2, 2016
"Deal" being singular, it is reasonable to believe that he’s actually referring to his peen here and not his testes. Now, it’s entirely possible Big E uses the word "Deal" to refer to the entire package, similar to the term "junk." Our people have reached out to Big E for clarification on which parts of his genitals were affected in this attack but have yet to hear anything back.*
Whatever the specific injury, WWE.com reported that he suffered a contusion. They were not specific what specifically was contused but it’s not going to be good either way. It was bad enough that Big E has not been seen since on WWE TV.
The Club felt no remorse for their heinous actions to Big E’s beacon of positivity. In fact, the outright made jokes about it. The dressed as doctors, mocked Big E’s condition "Ringpostitis" and made testicle puns that would make Becky Lynch proud.
Then later that night, they tried to inflict the condition on to Kofi after Kingston faced Luke Gallows in a match but Xavier Woods made the save, saving Kofi from legitimate trouble in paradise.
The New Day, living by Hammurabi’s code which states "A ball for a ball," tried to take the pound of scrotal flesh owned to them from Karl Anderson the next week. After Anderson and Gallows defeated the Golden Truth, Kofi and Xavier made their way down to the ring, beat up Anderson and Gallows, and then isolated Karl Anderson. Kofi held his legs apart and Xavier Woods used his trombone in attempt to deliver what Sealia Bloom dubbed on CSL as the Rusty Francesca. (He was going to smash his bits with a brass instrument.)
Luckily for Anderson, relations between him and who he calls his "hot Asian wife" weren’t permanently ended as Gallows pulled his partner out of the ring prior to horn on horn contact.
This Sunday, these teams will finally go at each other. The New Day will be fighting for the honor of their fallen comrade’s fruits while two men who kind of look like phalluses continue their head hunting. Will Big E be cleared to wrestle or at least be at ringside? Will another member of the New Day get their balls busted? Will New Day get their revenge for Big E and maybe Natalya’s sister? Find out tomorrow night at WWE SummerSlam, airing at 7EST on the WWE Network, to find out!
Oh and the tag team championships, which the New Day have held for a year, are also on the line.
*This isn’t true at all