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'American Grit' recap: Navigate my heart

Team Noah is unstoppable. It's time to just accept that reality.

After last week, Team Tee is down to just one person: the bad-at-distance-and-endurance Tony. This should go great.

This episode opens with everyone returning to the barracks and Tony being understandably sad. Cam and Haze start goofing around and playing grab-ass because they're all the way in love, probably. I love these dorks.

The teams receive land nav compasses and almost everyone is completely at a loss on how they work. Jim says he hopes Team Noah doesn't know anything about land nav. Cut to Team Noah, where the lumberjack is an expert at land nav and is explaining the whole thing to the other members of his team.

lol Team Noah has such ringers. I love it.

Everyone knows there's something up. Sure enough, John Cena wakes everyone up with an air horn at 3:30 a.m. and tells them they have less than five minutes to get ready. Cena sees Cam's bed head and tells him he looks like a modern art masterpiece.

cam hair

Cam then says the creepiest thing to date about his BFF. "This must be a dream, because I'm waking up to John Cena." Nice. NEW FANFIC.

Team RORKE DENVER knew this was going to happen, so they all slept in their gear. Cena says the evolution begins now. They get hustled out and load into the back of a truck. They then put on blindfolds. Cena says that when they reach their destination, they will receive instructions.

They take off their blindfolds and start marching down a trail. They find an equipment stockpile with a large case, a weighted backpack and instructions. Using only a compass, they have to carry all their gear and find their team leaders, which are stationed 5K away.

Team Noah is well on their way, but Clare keeps getting distracted by wild mushrooms growing everywhere. Meanwhile, on Team Nick, Kjoy sounds like she's dying, but she explains that she's a "deep breather."

Team Noah is the first team to Checkpoint Bravo, which is the least surprising thing ever. Then they have to solve a navigation problem to open their case, which they have no problem with. Inside the case is a map to the circus obstacle course, so they have to carry all their gear over to that to finish.

Tony apparently only has to carry the weighted backpack, which seems fair. He works with Team Nick, but passes them to reach the checkpoint second. Tee helps him figure out the navigation problem.

Meanwhile, Team RORKE DENVER is lost as hell, just wandering through the woods. RORKE DENVER is pretty upset, as you can imagine.

Somehow, Team Nick manages to nearly catch Team Noah and they start running after them, which makes Team Noah start to run. Tony is on Team Nick's heels and he's running, too. NOW IT'S A RACE TO THE FINISH and Kjoy is really struggling. Team Noah manages to get there first and win YET AGAIN. Teams Noah and Nick are exhausted.

Team Noah's reward is massages! Massages totally rule. The best part is their massages happen in a side room in full view of the rest of the house.

Cam is feeling down, so Haze takes him into her room for HOT MAKEOUTS. woooooooo!

The next day, RORKE DENVER gives his team gifts of custom artillery shells with their names on them. RORKE DENVER is a stern taskmaster, but he gives out presents, so he's cool.

Then there's a lot of talking between the teams. Just the normal stuff before we get down to the circus. Team Nick is wondering whether they should send Kjoy and are all pretty sure that Tony will be ringing out this week. Kjoy thinks Cam is scared of the circus and is pushing for her to go.

Now it's decision time! Tony will be going to the circus for Team Tee, obviously. Team RORKE DENVER is sending Mario, because he's the total package. Jim is ineligible to go, so Team Nick is sending Kjoy. She doesn't seem happy about it. Cam seems shocked.

This week's endurance challenge in the circus will be bringing sandbags uphill and over stairs. They must move at a constant pace. If they slow down or stop, they'll be eliminated. "Slow down" seems like it could be subjective, but I'm sure it will be definitive when someone drops out.

As expected, Mario takes an early lead in the obstacle course. Kjoy is bringing up the rear. Mario reaches the platform way in advance and will get to rest for two minutes when the others start the sandbag challenge. Tony is second to arrive and will have a one minute rest. Kjoy finally arrives and the sandbag challenge begins.

People sure seem to be slowing and stopping during the challenge, but I think they're waiting for someone to collapse. Mario is still smoking everyone. Suddenly we're 30 minutes into the challenge and everyone is still going. Then we're ONE HOUR into the challenge and everyone is keeping their pace. Holy Jesus.

Kjoy is complaining that her legs are shot and then she just says, "That's it. I quit." And it's over. Man, I don't even know if I could do 30 minutes of that. That's crazy. So Tony survives and now Team Nick is down to two people. Even though they keep losing every challenge, Team RORKE DENVER is now neck and neck with Team Noah, at three people apiece.

Next week: Maybe Haze is just playing Cam and this relationship has been mind games all along? NOOOOOOOO MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THAT.

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