Rob Van Dam: "We are being told that Rob Van Dam, despite the fact that he's not even on the active roster, has once again been blown away by tropical storm Trips. It's kind of surprising the storm even got him considering he's usually high above the clouds."
Dolph Ziggler: "He's been buried in a sudden rock slide in the moutains of Stamford, Connecticut. According to reports, he was just about to reach the top when he got passed by a bigger guy who doesn't even mountain climb full time."
Lana: "Satellites are indicating massive amounts of heat surrounding the Ravishing Russian Lana keeping her out of the hot lights of actually being on television. Mark websites everywhere have no specifics but can 100-percent confirm the heat. If it's on the Internet, it has to be true. The Internet does not lie."