My fellow Americans and/or Cageside Seats readers,
After painstaking review of all the available candidates this election season, it has become painfully obvious that none of the individuals running represent the best interests of the great professional wrestling fanbase. Since we can all agree that professional wrestling is the most important thing in the world, this seems an oversight too great to go unanswered. Thus, it is with great pride that I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
I realize that many of you may not be familiar with me, or with my plans to make wrestling great again. First and foremost, let me assure you that my track record is beyond compare. From making Stephanie McMahon laugh by reminding her that Halftime Heat existed, to asking Roman Reigns who the wettest wrestler is, I have always gotten to the heart of what wrestling fans care about.
If you need further proof, let me lay out in detail my plan for wrestling, if elected this November:
- I promise to reinstate the WWE brand split and annual draft
- I pledge to reduce the run time of RAW by 33.3%
- The Divas Championship will be renamed the WWE Women's Championship
- The title layout for the WWE product will be as follows: The Intercontinental Championship and Tag Team Championship will remain on RAW, while the United States Championship will move to SmackDown. There will be a tournament on SmackDown to crown Women's Tag Team Champions, after which time those titles will become SD-brand exclusive. The Women's Championship and WWE World Heavyweight Championship will be defended on both brands
- The United States Championship Open Challenge will become a mandatory, weekly event
- I will impose a tariff on distraction finishes and will impose strict term limits on feud lengths (with an exception for blood feuds)
- The Elimination Chamber will return as an annual February tradition
- There WILL be an offseason in the WWE. This will be accomplished by staggering the RAW and SmackDown seasons. SmackDown will run from August to May, while RAW will run from January to September. Thus, WrestleMania season and SummerSlam season will always have both brands active. SmackDown's offseason will happen shortly after WrestleMania (and the draft), while RAW's offseason will begin shortly after SummerSlam
- Injuries will be illegal under my watch [note to campaign manager: check to see whether this is possible before publishing this letter]
- Ring of Honor, New Japan, Lucha Underground and the WWN Live network will participate in an open talent exchange program with WWE and NXT
- I will work with Super Dragon to make PWG events available on live iPPV in case people are unable to make it to Reseda
- The only wrestlers allowed on Twitter will be the Young Bucks and Kevin Owens. EDIT: Rusev, Bayley, Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks can also remain on Twitter. My sincere apologies for these unforgiveable oversights
- Ethan Carter and Rockstar Spud will receive full control of TNA in perpetuity
- Total Divas will never be canceled. Ever.
I remain open to suggestions from fans and I am willing to work across party lines to make as many people happy as possible. I look forward to your support this election season. God bless you, and god bless the professional wrestling.