clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Vince McMahon writes his Christmas letter to Santa...

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is satire. BigPale doesn't have access to Vince McMahon's private correspondence and SPOILER ALERT... there is some debate as to the existence of Saint Nicholas. With that out of the way, please enjoy!

It's that time of year again, and just like children all over the world will be putting crayon to construction paper and writing their wish-list for Kris Kringle, over in Connecticut (just above Stamford; just a little below zero) a child-like individual is up in his room drafting his own letter to Santa.

Fortunately for you, loyal Cagesiders, we have the inside scoop. Presenting...


Vince Santa

It's joyful and triumphant.

Let's dig in...

Dear Santa,

As you know WWE has experienced a year of tremendous growth. Our brand has expanded to new territories and markets and our flagship program, WWE Monday Night Raw, continues to be among the highest rated programs on television.

I hear Smackdown is doing well too.

Rest assured that everyone here in Stamford is working extremely hard to ensure that the WWE Network is made available to all North Pole residents. Our goal is for it to be available by quarter three, 2017. You'll soon be able to enjoy all your favorite match-ups as well as our acclaimed original programming.

Based on the survey you filled out last year, you indicated some of your favorite moments in sports entertainment history included "Diamond Dallas Paige's victory over Randy Savage at Spring Stampede 1997." You also indicated a fondness for "Sting vs Vader at Starrcade 1992." I have good news! As soon as the WWE Network is out you'll be able to enjoy all the great moments that featured those, and many other WWE superstars.

So you like Randy Savage? You'll love his great commentary during WrestleMania IX. Fan of Sting? Who isn't! His match with Triple H at WrestleMania 31 has fans still taking.

I could go on and on and I'd be remiss not to mention our great original programming. Holy Foley is a show you'll really love since Mick Foley (who stars in the show as well as appears on multiple segments each Monday Night) often dresses up as a Santa Impersonator. It's a show that would dominate the Emmy's were it not for their grudge against us. We've been fighting those kinds of battles for years, going back to the World Bodybuilding Federation and the XFL. Great ideas that weren't given a chance to succeed.

But I digress. The real reason I'm writing to you is because, as you know, it's almost Christmas. And since I can guarantee that the WWE Network will soon be in your living room next year, I thought maybe you could guarantee a few things would be in my living room this year.

In my business we call that  "mutually-assured profit."

With that said I won't take any more of your time. I'll just leave you with a very simple list of demands things I'd like to have this year.

Thanking you in advance,

Vincent Kennedy McMahon,

Chairman and CEO, WWE

I want Roman Reigns to be more dominating.

I know what you're thinking but don't worry: Big Show will be back on TV very soon to kick off his WrestleMania feud with Shaq. In the meantime Raw is severely lacking on big, muscular men who flex and say corny things. Reigns is really the only reliable guy we've got out there. He needs more screentime! Make it happen big guy!

I want Jericho to trim those sideburns.

Seriously, what kind of an organization are we running here? He looks like a danged hippy. I've told him before but he doesn't seem to get the picture. A little help here would be great.

I want to know who all these tiny people are on that 205Live show.

Hunter says they’re from NXT…which I really need to watch sometime. I don't understand anything about it. They're all jobbers, and if everyone's a jobber then no one is. They just jump and flip and flop around and the poor crowd just sits there and politely cheers and screams in anticipation for the dark match featuring Kane and Titus O'Neil. Help me understand this.

I want a cabinet job for Linda in the President Trump WWE HALL OF FAMER DONALD J. TRUMP Administration.

We didn't drop six million dollars on his campaign for nothing. I think Commerce Secretary is fair, but if nothing else, the something-something Small Business Whatever is a fine-enough stepping stone. I'm not asking for the White House...I'll save that for Christmas 2024.

A pony.

I just really want a pony.

I want a subscription to the Steak Wrap of the Month Club.

Mine ran out a couple years ago and I've been eating my steaks without the round-floppy-flat-bread thing. I have plenty of Ketchup though, don't worry about that.

I want Stephanie to finally come around on that incest angle I've been itching to do.

You let me worry about the FCC. We're in Trump's America now.

New quads.

I'm on my third pair I think and it's about time for a rotation.

I want one of those nifty gadgets the youths are going on about…i…pod?

The one that lets me play all my Kid Rock tunes. That thing.

I want to know what this TNA thing is?

Everyone wants me to buy it for the Network. Is it an ECW thing I forgot about? I've been in touch with one of the divas over there, Dixie Stampede was her name I think. Not very bright but hopefully she can put me in touch with the people in charge.

Hunter says he would like new quads too.

I want ten more years of John Cena.

I also would like ten more years of Undertaker but I'm not going to be greedy.

You know what, just forget all of that. Just give me the 80’s.

Guilt-free steroids. Giant men who were men. Petite women who knew their place. No mixed-martial arts. Kids who still believed in Santa kayfabe.

I want the 1980's back.

There's a lot to sort through and I know I can't get everything I want, but I don't think you'll find any unreasonable demands here. Remember that the WWE Network will only be $9.99 but you can get your first month free to enjoy all our great specials like "The Best of Bobby Lashley" and "How Triple H single-handedly won the Monday Night Wars."

I look forward to seeing your presentation on Christmas morning.

PS: Sorry about that one time.

Sincerely yours,


Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Cageside Seats Daily Roundup newsletter!

A daily roundup of all your pro wrestling news from Cageside Seats