Cageside Countdown: Wrestlers for President

This Tuesday in Texas and forty-nine other states, millions of Americans will head to their polls to vote on who will be the next President of the United States, and as favorability polls have shown, it’s a real-life version of that one episode of South Park about an election to pick a school mascot. You know the one. Regardless of your leanings, it’s an important civic duty and you might as well exercise it.

After all, there are no rules stipulating you have to choose from the available candidates. Tens of thousands (maybe more with this election) will write in anyone from relatives to fictional characters for President. Maybe someone will write in a wrestler.

But what wrestler would make the best President?

Earlier this week, we asked the constituents of Cageside Seats to nominate their favorite wrestler for President. So consider this your guide to alternative choices for President, maybe. With that, here are…

The top ten wrestlers that would make a good President.

Remember, this was voted on by you, so if this list doesn’t meet your requirements, you can disqualify them in your mind, I guess.

10. Becky Lynch.

While many politicians are convincingly charming and have no trouble faking it, Becky Lynch is convincingly charming and does not fake it.

The Irish “Lass Kicker” has brought smiles to wrestling fans the world over for over a decade, and her life story is quite inspiring: forced to give up on wrestling after suffering a career injury, she took up a number of gigs including flight attending and acting before deciding wrestling is what she’s meant to do. And it was her time as an actor (probably) that blossomed her sense of humor.

Becky is a walking “pun alert”; she’s always got one in the holster, and she’s got a naturally sunny disposition on life. Something the folks in Washington could use. And if she can’t disarm Washington with her kindness, she can disarm Washington by force. Literally.

9. Asuka.

Equal parts beautiful and deadly, Asuka has cut through the NXT women’s division like a hot knife through butter. In fact, she’s so far ahead of the competition that they’ve had to go outside their borders to get someone suitable.

So imagine this five-foot-three human weapon of mass destruction in the White House. Can you imagine the glare that she would give to anyone that even remotely thinks of dissenting? Then it’s probably followed by lots of yelling, lots of kicks, lots of people going to sleep via the Asuka lock, and maybe eating them afterwords. Probably.

8. Rhyno.

As it turns out, the former ECW and NWA world heavyweight champion is actually running for office, as he is looking to win the vacated 15th District seat on the Michigan House of Representatives.

Rhyno has been on quite the roll lately. His unlikely pairing with Heath Slater has become one of WWE’s feel good stories in recent memory as the cheez whiz-and-crackers aficionado and the one man band have created quite the comedic pairing. Between Slater doing it for his kids—however many he has—and Rhyno, you know, being Rhyno, who wouldn’t get behind a campaign slogan of “Make America GORE! GORE! GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! Again!”

7. William Regal.

Ok, so being a Brit disqualifies him from running for President, but William Regal knows how to run a wrestling company, which is sort of like running a country. Regal’s had multiple stints in authority figure roles, but it was when he took over the role of NXT general manager from John “Bradshaw” Layfield in August 2014 is when he broke away from the pack in regards to authority on wrestling programming.

A throwback to the days of Jack Tunney, Regal only gets involved in matters when it’s absolutely necessary. This has caused an issue for some (i.e. Joe, Samoa), but when Regal makes a decision, it won’t be questioned. And if it does, as a few NXTers have found out, he’s got a very deep Rolodex.

Charming and caring like your favorite grandpa, but stern as hell when he needs to be, William Regal would make a super smashing great President.

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6. Apollo Crews.

Though you may not know it, the artist formerly known as Uhaa Nation is pretty awesome. The 6’4”, 240 Crews is as agile as he is powerful. If you’ve followed him since his days on the independent circuit, you’d know that. However, if you’re not familiar with his work, you’d wonder what’s the deal with this guy. He’s just another generic big dude that Vince McMahon probably likes a lot.

So why would you want to vote for the guy that could be confused for the guy that once played T-Money? As one Cagesider put it, so he could finally get a gimmick.

Ouch.

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5. Bayley.

Let’s be honest: at the end of will be the longest and most vicious election cycle in modern American history, we could all use a hug. We could all use a smile. We could use someone that will tell us everything will be okay.

Quite honestly, we need Bayley.

In a time when political leaders are being less and less authentic, the Hugger would represent a welcome change. After all, if the grind of being a professional wrestler hasn’t beaten her down (and it’s beaten down even the best and most well-intentioned of people), then surely running a country of 300 million plus won’t beat her down either. If her “hug it out” philosophy doesn’t work, then she can tighten up her ponytail and get down to business.

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4. Mark Henry

Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked. Somebody’s gonna get their wig split. Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked. Somebody’s gonna get their wig split. Eat em up, beat em up, break his neck, break his neck. Eat em up, beat em up, break his neck, break his neck.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world’s strongest President.

While he’s had an up-and-down (mostly down) twenty years in the WWE, his Sexual Chocolate and Hall of Pain runs are the stuff of legends. While his days as “the world’s sexiest strongman” will not pass in the White House, his all-too-brief ruthless reign of terror as “Hall of Pain” inductor would make America’s enemies cower in fear.

Best of all, as one Cagesider puts it, when his term (or terms, probably) is/are done, right when the transition of power is set to take place, BAM! Mark Henry, in his salmon jacket. World’s strongest slam to the new guy. You think it’s that easy? I got one more term left in the tank.

Now that I think about it, would anyone really mind President Obama doing this next January?

3. James Ellsworth.

In July 2016, the journeyman landed a gig on the first RAW post-second brand split. He had the unfortunate duty of being Braun Strowman’s opponent. James knew probably he wasn’t going to last long, but Ellsworth believed in himself; after all, any man with two hands has a fighting chance.

Of course, he was crushed by Strowman, but he gained a massive fan following with his words of motivation. And in a world where a WWE Hall of Famer and former reality show star with no formal political experience can be on the brink of being the leader of the free world, why not Jimmy Two Hands? He has a fighting chance. Sometimes, that’s all you need.

With all due respect to the people running for President, none of them have a win over AJ Styles.

2. John Cena.

Hustle, loyalty, respect, you can’t see me, you can’t stop me, never give up.

Seriously, if anyone would make the perfect President, it’s the former Doctor of Thuganomics. If you don’t believe it, I give you this promo right here.

Patriotism. There’s a word thrown around a lot.

It inspires passionate debate. It’s worn like a badge of honor, and with good reason. Cause it means love and devotion for one’s country.

Love? For a word to designed to unite, it can also be pretty divisive.

See, there’s more to patriotism than flag-sequined onsies and rodeos and quadruple cheeseburgers. Patriotism is love for a country. Not just pride in it.

But what really makes up this country of ours? What is it we love? It’s more than just a huge rock full of animals like cougars and eagles, right?

It’s the people.

Do me a favor. Close your eyes for a second. I want to try something out.

Picture the average U.S. citizen. Think about it. How old are they? What’s their hair like? How much can they bench? You got one? Okay.

So chances are, the person you’re picturing right now looks a little different than the real average American.

There are 319 million U.S. citizens. 51% are female. So first off, the average American is a woman. Cool, huh? Is that what you pictured?

54 million are Latino. 40 million senior citizens. 27 million are disabled. 18 million are Asian. That’s more people in the U.S. than play football and baseball combined.

9 million are lesbian, gay, bi, transgender - more than the entire amount of people that live in the state of Virginia.

Around 10 million are redhead, 5.1 million play Ultimate frisbee and 3.5 million are Muslim... triple the number of people currently serving in the United States military.

Almost half the country belongs to minority groups. People who are lesbian, African-American and bi and transgender and Native American and proud of it.

We know that labels don’t devalue us, they help define us. Keeping us dialed into our cultures and our beliefs in who we are - as Americans.

After all, what’s more American than freedom to celebrate the things that make us, us.

I mean, it’s stitched into the stars and stripes of this country. From the Constitution to Gettysburg, to our motto, "E Pluribus Unum" - "From Many, One".

It’s even in our country’s name: the UNITED States.

This year, patriotism shouldn’t just be about pride in country. It should be about love. Love beyond age, disability, sexuality, race, religion and any other labels.

Because the second any of us judge people based on those labels? We’re not really being patriotic, are we?

So let’s try this one more time. Close your eyes. Picture the average Joe or Joan or Juan or Jean-Luc. The real people who make America, America.

And this year, maybe you feel the urge to don those star-spangled shorts and set off fireworks the size of my biceps and show love for our country?

Remember that to love America is to love all Americans.

Because love has no labels.

A promo for a RAW or Smackdown or upcoming PPV? Nope, it was a three-and-a-half minute ad he did on America on the fourth of July (and you should all go watch that ad like right now). Seriously, if he gave that speech on a convention floor, we’re plotting his path to the White House the next morning.

Sure the once-a-week formal dinners may be a deal breaker for some (but that’s why you have first lady/secretary of style Nikki Bella), but no matter what opposition he faces, he’ll always kick out at two. I mean, a decade of WWE programming has taught us that. Hell, even sports blog Deadspin thinks he should run for President. After all, if “one professional wrestler [can] run an entire state, and that was with virtually no political training of any sort”, how much trouble can running a country be?

His time is now, damnit!

YouTube

1. Broken Matt Hardy.

"In the darkest hour of our country, I must illuminate our nation with my broken brilliance. Broken Matt Hardy for President 2016."

Matt Hardy said these very words on the Halloween edition of Impact. Ever since being broken earlier this year, the former sensei of Mattitude has resurrected his career, and by proxy, TNA Wrestling. It’s been the brightest of lights in the never-ending drama of the promotion’s ownership.

What can Broken Brilliance do for you, you ask? Well, if anyone is plotting action against the country, Matt will be all over it with his premonitions (or premenishens, as he calls it). No surprises on Broken Matt’s watch. Not delightful enough for you? How about green beans for everyone? No? Well, in the event of the worst, Vanguard 1 has our back (who knows, Matt may have a whole army of them). Senor Benjamin will prepare many battlefields for massacre of our enemies. And anyone that dissents against the Broken One or comes at his beloved King Maxel will face the ultimate punishment: DELETION.

Maybe, just maybe, it takes a broken man to repair a broken country. That’s why Broken Matt Hardy is your pick for best wrestler for President.

Don’t forget to vote, kids.

Any wrestler who you’d prefer in the White House? Sound off in the comments.