WWE Royal Rumble 1994 results, retro live blog

It's undoubtedly going to be a slow Saturday night, so instead of sitting around and twiddling our thumbs how about we make use of that certain over-the-top service so many of us pay $9.99 a month for and go retro with a live blog?

Our latest retro live blog will cover Royal Rumble, which took place on Sat., Jan. 22, 1994, at the Providence Civic Center in Providence, Rhode Island and featured the annual Royal Rumble match, one with the only finish of its kind.

We'll treat this live blog like we would any show airing live. It will kick off at 8 p.m. ET Saturday night, so if you want to follow along and chat with your fellow fans and friends here on the site, make sure you click "play" on the WWE Network at 8 p.m. ET and come back here for all the fun.

Coverage will roll below.

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ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE BLOG

Vince McMahon opened the show alone before he was joined by Ted DiBiase for commentary through the evening. Vince was shocked by this.

As usual, quick results for every non-Royal Rumble match.

Tatanka def. Bam Bam Bigelow: Not a whole lot to this one. There was greatness late in the match when Tatanka was hopping around no selling Bam Bam's punches so Bigelow kicked him in the back of the head and Tatanka sold death. Bigelow missed a moonsault right after, though, and Tatanka hit a crossbody off the top to score the pin.

The Quebecers def. Bret Hart & Owen Hart: Really good, technically, although Bret got a hot tag at one point with both Quebecers in the ring and had NO IDEA what to do with it. It was strange. This match was about setting up Owen to turn on his brother. Bret hurt his knee late when Johnny Polo pulled the middle rope down and Bret went flying through it. Owen threw Bret back in the ring and he tried to continue but when he applied a Sharpshooter he collapsed. At that point, the referee called it off and awarded the Quebecers a decision win to retain the tag team titles. Owen was PISSED. Kicked his leg out of his leg!

Razor Ramon def. Irwin R. Schyster: Man, I.R.S. was lame as hell. This was what it was. At the end they went with a ref bump and a run in from Shawn Michaels, who was claiming himself to be "real Intercontinental champion" at the time. He hit Ramon with his title and then left it in the ring. I.R.S. got the pin off this with the bumped ref coming to. Suddenly, another ref ran out and made clear what happened. While he was making this clear, Ramon got up and hit Razor's Edge while I.R.S. was celebrating on the turnbuckles and got the pin to retain the title.

Yokozuna def. Undertaker: This was a casket match. Right when Undertaker was about to win, Crush showed up. Then, a bunch of other dudes showed up and started beating on 'Taker. With the power of the urn, he was able to fend off five men. Suddenly, Jeff Jarrett's goofy ass showed up for some reason. Undertaker had a gimmick he was using to head shot dudes with until The Headshrinkers came out and superkicked him to the mat. Paul Bearer had the urn still, however, and Undertaker again fought through this. We're talking like nine dudes. They overwhelmed him and put him in the casket. Diesel ran out to help. They still couldn't put him away. Finally, Yokozuna smartened up and grabbed the urn from Bearer. He dropped it and smoke started coming out. There were literally 10 dudes in the ring, all taking turns hitting moves off the top rope. 'Taker, without the urn, was unable to defend himself. They all came together to roll him into the casket and close it, meaning Yokozuna retained the WWF championship. They tried to roll the casket to the back but smoke started coming out of it as Undertaker's entrance theme played. Then, a video of him, apparently in the casket, came on the titantron. He said the spirit of Undertaker cannot be extinguished. We'll all witness the rise of him and he will not rest in peace. Then, they showed him ascending to the rafters. If Triple H never donned a Kane mask and had sex with a mannequin in a casket on Raw this would be the dumbest thing WWE has ever done.

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Royal Rumble

Entrant 1: Scott Steiner
Entrant 2: Samu

This is a great opening two, just a couple of hard nosed powerhouse dudes. Sure enough, they beat on each other and it was very good.

Entrant 3: Rick Steiner

Right away we get to the "tag partners with a decision to make" angle in the Rumble. Rick gets in and immediately stops Samu from tossing Scott, so he's got the Dumbest Ass hat to start this Rumble. The Steiner brothers team up to try to toss Samu but that proves difficult. He ends up hanging himself in the ropes before untangling and getting tossed.

Eliminated: Samu

Entrant 4: Kwang

Rick got green mist sprayed in his face immediately upon Kwang's entry.

Entrant 5: Owen Hart

Freshly turned, the crowd booed Owen as he entered. He went after Rick while Kwang was working over Scott. This was the smarter play, as DiBiase points out, because Rick is working blind, more or less. Owen goes to work and it isn't long before he sends Rick out.

Eliminated: Rick Steiner

Scott was trying to toss Kwang but Owen went after Scott, so he gets the Dumbest Ass hat that Rick left behind.

Entrant 6: Bart Gunn

Now it's Bart who gets the hat, as he attacks Owen as Owen and Kwang are on the verge of tossing Steiner. Vince tells us on commentary that "something has broken out back in the dressing area and we'll try to get cameras on it."

Entrant 7: Diesel

The match's resident big man enters. "That's one big man, McMahon," DiBiase says. "Almost as big as me ... when I'm sitting on my wallet." DiBiase was the best. Diesel, meanwhile, wrecked shopped and tossed everybody before the next guy even came in.

Eliminated: Bart Gunn, Scott Steiner, Owen Hart, Kwang

Entrant 8: Bob Backlund

Old ass Bob came in like a dog running after Diesel's legs and it proved an effective strategy. Diesel was downright befuddled. Backlund almost tossed him too, but Diesel used an eye poke to gain the edge and it wasn't long before the old man was sent out.

Eliminated: Bob Backlund

Entrant 9: Billy Gunn

Billy ran out, hit three punches, an Irish Whip into the corner, ran into a big boot, and was thrown out.

Eliminated: Billy Gunn

Thanks for playing, Billy.

They cut to footage of earlier in the night with Lex Luger getting jumped near some lockers. They cut back to the ring and Diesel was still standing there, waiting for the next victim.

Entrant 10: Virgil

Oh, this is definitely not going to end well. Vince told us this should have been Kamala and Virgil is an alternate. He actually got a few punches in before Diesel lit him up with elbows and dumped him.

Eliminated: Virgil

"I told you, he didn't know how good he had it when he was with me," DiBiase remarked.

Entrant 11: Randy Savage

Finally, a top guy. Savage was relentless on the attack, using punches and kicks and lariats and even choking Diesel in the corner. In fact, Diesel got no offense in on him before the next entrant.

Entrant 12: Jeff Jarrett

Guess what this idiot did while Savage was about to eliminate Diesel? Yep! Went right after Randy and totally ignored Diesel. The Dumbest Ass imaginable. He went to work on Savage, strutting around the ring, while Diesel just hung back in the corner recovering. Jarrett tried to toss Randy but Savage saved himself and then tossed Double J. GOOD.

Eliminated: Jeff Jarrett

Entrant 13: Crush

Savage, picking up Diesel's slack, went to town on Crush too. He was going up to the top rope and hitting double axe handles while Nash was sucking air. Eventually, the big men overcame Randy and took control.

Entrant 14: Doink the Clown

With his good friend, Dink. As he was coming out, in the picture-in-picture, we see Crush toss Savage.

Eliminated: Randy Savage

Doink got in and laughed at Diesel and Crush as they beat on each other. They saw this and went after him, so he sprayed the two and worked the gimmick. His downfall was when he attempted a slam.

Entrant 15: Bam Bam Bigelow

Diesel and Crush held the ropes open for Bigelow, who went right to Doink and took him out in a hurry.

Eliminated: Doink the Clown

Using their brains, Crush and Diesel teamed up to try to surprise Bam Bam and throw him out. As they were working for it, Crush stopped to punch Diesel. You idiot.

Entrant 16: Mabel

Seeing Mabel's big ass sauntering down to the ring, Diesel took the straps down. They locked him and Diesel got the early edge but Mabel reversed an Irish whip into the corner and after two splashes, moved on to beating on everyone else in the ring.

Entrant 17: Sparky Plugg

For younger fans, this is Bob Holly. Vince McMahon once thought it a good idea to give a guy the name "Sparky Plugg" and then put him in the Royal Rumble where the winner goes on to main event WrestleMania in a WWE title match. This is the man who makes all the decisions in the top pro wrestling promotion in the world.

That said, shout out to Sparky for not being the Dumbest Ass and actually assisting three other guys trying to toss Crush. They all failed, but at least no one was stupid about it.

Entrant 18: Shawn Michaels

They immediately addressed the Shawn-Diesel connection by having Shawn cower away and offer his hand. Diesel, after acting like he wanted to attack, elected to shake his hand. Immediately after, everyone gagned up on Diesel and tossed him.

Eliminated: Diesel

Vince pushed the fact that Shawn helped the group eliminate Diesel, although you couldn't tell from the camera angle.

Entrant 19: Mo

Mo helped his partner right away. Then he tried to toss Michaels but Crush put a stop to that, although I could not tell you why. Shawn skinned the cat in an early look at a spot he would make famous a year later.

Entrant 20: Greg Valentine

Vince is quick to point out that this man once lasted 50 minutes in a Royal Rumble, so he's a true Iron Man and one to look out for. He was just looking for guys to brawl with. The action had slowed down considerably, which makes sense considering the only great workers in the ring were Shawn and Bam Bam, and Bigelow was blown up.

Entrant 21: Tatanka

He went right for Michaels and they had it out.

Entrant 22: Great Kabuki

The reaction to this was great if only because it sounded like the "ooohhhh" you heard was so half hearted, like the crowd felt obligated to act upset he was coming in.

Everyone got together to gang up on Mabel. Michaels took Mo out so they could all focus on the bigger half of the tag team, and it worked.

Eliminated: Mabel

Entrant 23: Lex Luger

Despite the beatdown in the locker room they showed earlier, Luger came out like he was fresh off a nap.

Eliminated: Great Kabuki

He literally didn't spend even a single second selling that beating. What was the point of showing it? To set up for the Kabuki elimination?

Entrant 24: Genichiro Tenryu

He went right for Luger as Vince told us we shouldn't be surprised to see Crush and Tenryu team together to take Lex out. Instead, Tenryu went to work on Luger while Crush did his own thing. Sparky Plugg, for the second time in the match, tried to help an elimination along instead of stopping it. Good on Sparky.

Entrant 25: Bastion Booger

No one came out here and Vince thought it was Bret Hart's spot. We would later learn that it was Booger's spot and he was just unable to make the match after getting sick.

Entrant 26: Rick Martel

The Model went for Mo while Vince listed his Iron Man credentials like he did for Valentine. In trying to figure out who was in longest in this match, they came up with Crush at just over 22 minutes.

Entrant 27: Bret Hart

The Hitman got a huge ovation as he limped his way to the ring on the bum knee from the earlier match with The Quebecers. Crush immediately targeted said knee.

Entrant 28: Fatu

Crush had Hart up over his head and started walking to the ropes like he was going to toss him out when Luger knocked him down. Hope being the Dumbest Ass doesn't come back to bite Lex or anything.

Eliminated: Crush

Multiple people took him out.

Entrant 29: Marty Jannetty

As soon as he got in, he started dirty boxing with his old Rockers tag partner. They had a superkick spot planned but Tenryu screwed it up by getting involved for no good reason at all. They went through with it when he moved out of the way, but it was awkward and didn't connect.

Entrant 30: Adam Bomb

"Adam Bomb's gonna win the Royal Rumble. Adam Bomb is a monster. He's so strong, he's so big, and he's fresh; Adam Bomb is gonna win this thing." Vince McMahon was certain Adam Bomb was the guy. This put like 12 guys in the ring.

Eliminated: Sparky Plugg

Hart helped a couple other guys get rid of Plugg, which I can't type out without laughing because they actually named a dude "Sparky Plugg."

Michaels was getting close to eliminating Hart in the corner when Luger showed up and blasted Michaels to stop him. Man, I really hope Lex being the Dumbest Ass doesn't come back to bite him or anything!

This became a really weird Rumble because the ring was full with no more entrants to come and no one was getting tossed or even coming close to it in a number of minutes. Bam Bam was literally just standing around in the middle of the ring like he was drunk. Jannetty punched him because why not.

Eliminated: Greg Valentine

I think Rick Martel tossed him.

Eliminated: Rick Martel

For his trouble, Tatanka took him out.

Eliminated: Adam Bomb

Vince was so sure he would win but Luger didn't have much trouble sending him over the top rope.

Eliminated: Tatanka

Bam Bam used a lariat to send him out. DiBiase made clear the reason so many guys were getting tossed like this is because they're getting tired. Bam Bam tried a splash on Luger in the corner but ended up going over the top to the apron and Lex used an elbow to finish the job.

Eliminated: Bam Bam Bigelow

Cameras barely caught it, but Michaels sent his former partner over.

Eliminated: Marty Jannetty

That left just five guys. Hart was trying to toss Tenryu and, surprisingly enough, Luger actually helped him toss him out.

Eliminated: Genichiro Tenryu

Fatu and Luger got after it while Hart and Michaels did the same as we got down to four. Fatu no sold a facebuster from Luger and hit a superkick to lay him out. Shawn moved over to help Fatu take Lex out but he miraculously found his strength and battled back to take both down. They did a spot where Luger and Hart sent Fatu and Michaels running towards each other but Michaels jumped to avoid it while Fatu ducked under. When they came down and up, respectively, Luger and Hart used their momentum to send them flying over the top.

Eliminated: Shawn Michaels, Fatu

That left, of course, Luger and Hart. That's the same Hart, mind you, that Luger could have helped eliminated multiple times in this match but chose to help stay in.

They wasted no time getting to the good stuff and started exchanging punches. Luger picked Hart up for a slam but Bret kicked his legs to get him down, then pushed Lex over the top but went barreling out with him. They both hit the floor at the same time, and everyone was confused.

Two referees came together to talk about it. They went to Howard Finkel, who said "the winner of the Royal Rumble..." and then Luger's music played. Everyone cheered but a ref screamed at Finkel and the music stopped. Finkel got back on the mic and said "the winner of the Royal Rumble..." and then Hart's music played. Everyone cheered again. The referees argued over who the real winner was, both raising their guy's arm. Finally, Jack Tunney showed up. A replay aired that didn't have an angle that showed who hit first and still Vince said he thought it was Luger but that angle made it unclear. Then they showed another angle that didn't show who hit first and Vince said he thought it was Bret.

This man changes his mind at the smallest thing.

Finally, Finkel got on the mic to tell us the winner but before he would say, he went to Tunney to ask if he was sure. They let the tension build again and went to another replay, yet another that didn't show who hit first, this time with Vince saying it would be the angle that determines who won. Amazing.

Finkel, again: "Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 1994 Royal Rumble... the winners are Lex Luger and Bret Hitman Hart."

Welp.

Vince then said Tunney made the only call he could because the replays were inconclusive. Man, Vince wasn't very good on commentary, was he?

Luger and Hart were still arguing about who won. I think we all know who the real winner was. The two came together at the end and shook hands.

End.